Old French Whore!
Don Barbrell…..Will Ferrell
Kevin Rheaume…..Chris Kattan
Jason Rhaims…..Tim Meadows
Denise Kirk…..Ana Gasteyer
[ Title Card showing Frances blue, white and red colors ] [ V/O : Hey everybody its time to play ( simultaneously with V/O crowd): Old.. French.. Whore! ] [ SUPER : Old French Whore! ] [ Shot : Set of Old French Whore game show ] [ V/O : And now, heres the host of “Old French Whore” Dooooon Barbrell! ]
Don Barbrell : Thank you! Hi everybody and welcome to “Old French Whore”. The game show that lets old French whores team up with high school honor students to win fabulous prizes! Lets meet our contestants! On the blue team we have Kevin Rheaume of Lansing Michigan! Kevin is a senior at East Lansing High School where hes a proud member of the marching band!
Kevin: Hey Don!
Don Barbrell : Kevin your partner today is a 48 year old prostitute from Marseilles named Babette! Babette I heard you had a funny thing happened to you, uh, on the way to the studios.
Babette : [ With French accent ] Yes, a sailor broke my arm!
Don Barbrell : Ouch! Okay. Well! Good luck today! On the white team we have Jason Rhaims, a high school junior from Richmond Virginia, who loves computers! Hey Jason!
Jason : Hi!
Don Barbrell : Jason your partner is Simone Heques, a 59 year old syphilitic from Québec. Hi Simone!
Simone: Jai besoin dun fix! (I need a fix!)
Don Barbrell : Great! Okay! And finally on the red team we have Denise Kirk from Crystal Lake High. She was part of Ohios all-state swim team and shes active in recycling! Good for you!
Denise : Thanks Don!
Don Barbrell : Denise you must be excited because youre paired with our returning champion, shes 67, and was once the personal concubine of Rommel, say hello to Coco!
Coco : [ With French accent ] Hello Don.
Don Barbrell : Allo! Allo! Lets take a look at our categories, todays categories are U.S Presidents Science Fun . and Les Maladies Vénériales! (Venereal Diseases) Coco and Denise choose a category!
Denise : “U.S Presidents” for 200 Don!
Don Barbrell : Okay, “Who was Thomas Jeffersons Vice-president?” [ Jason hits his buzzer ] Jason and Simone!
Jason : John Adams? [ “wrong answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : No [ Babette hits her buzzer ] Kevin and Babette!
Babette : You are sexy! You come with me we have sexy good time! [ “wrong answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : Incorrect! [ Denise hits her buzzer ] Denise and Coco! [Coco murmurs at Denise ear ]
Denise : Aaron Burr? [ “good answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : Correct! [ Denise and Coco kiss each other ] Choose again! Very nice!
Coco : “Maladies Vénériales” for 200 please.
Don Barbrell : Okay, “When dealing with itchy red bumps– [ Babette hits her buzzer ] Babette!
Babette : Crabs! Kiss crabs! [ “wrong answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : No, sorry. Listen to the entire question. “When dealing with itchy red bumps, what kind of ointment — [ Coco hits her buzzer ] Coco!
Coco : Calamine lotion and penicillin? [ “good answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : That is correct! Choose again!
Coco : Hem, Lets go for “Science Fun” for 300 please.
Don Barbrell : Okay, “What is the atomic symbol for Chromium?” [ Jason hits his buzzer ] Jason and Simone!
Jason : [ Simone is all over him ] Shes making me really uncomfortable.
Simone : Ohhhh Tu es un beau garcon. Donnez-moi largent. [ Simone puts her hands in Jasons pockets ]
Jason : Hey!
Simone : Donnez-moi largent
Jason : Come on!
Simone : Donnez-moi!
Jason : No!
Simone : Tu es très beau Je taime! (Youre good-looking boy, give me the money, give me, give me, youre handsome, I love you.)
Jason : Listen I want a new partner sir. She smells like whisky and feet!
Don Barbrell : Is that your answer?
Jason : Get off me Maam! [ “wrong answer” sound. Kevin hits his buzzer ]
Don Barbrell : Kevin and Babette!
Kevin : I think my whore is dead.
Don Barbrell : Okay well have to check with the judges at the end of the round on that! Denise and Coco its up to you! Once again “What is the atomic symbol for Chromium?”
Denise : I, I, I dont know!
Coco : Dont be silly. The symbol for Chromium is CR. It was discovered by Vauquelin in 1797. Its atomic weight is fifty-one, nine, nine, six. [ “good answer” sound ]
Don Barbrell : That is correct! Well played Coco!
Denise : That is awesome! How did you know that?
Coco : Little girl, I was not always like this. No [ drama music, lights dim, Denise get a few feet away from Coco who speaks to the crowd ] Once I was beautiful and young like you! I wanted to be a great chemist but in those days, it was not proper for a young lady. So I ran away far from home and thought I would run to a new country, where girls could be whatever they whish to be. But I never found that place, and before I knew it I was leaning in the public parks, pleasing factory workers for money [ wipes her lips, music ends ]
Don Barbrell : [ nods at Coco ] All right! Well, Coco youre our big winner again today with 700 dollars cash and the chance to come back tomorrow and win a Chevy Cavalier! [ Kevin hits his buzzer, while Simone sings a French love song ]
Kevin : My whore is definitely dead.
Don Barbrell : Well see you tomorrow everybody on?[ SUPER : Old French Whore! ]
V/O Crowd : Old!.. French!.. Whore![ Fade out ]
Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!