Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 15
Larry King Live
Larry King…..Norm MacDonald
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Paula Jones…..Cheri Oteri
Susan McDougal……Ana Gasteyer
John Huang…..Chris Kattan
Jim Guy Tucker…..Jim Breuer
William Ginsburg…..Will Ferrell
Leon Panetta…..Colin Quinn
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Marcia Lewis….Molly Shannon
Charlie Trie…..Jim Breuer
Kathleen Willey…..Tina Fey
Bruce Lindsey…..Will Ferrell
Larry King: ..from Washinton for a special interview, here is President Bill Clinton. Welcome, Mr. President.[ cut to President Bill Clinton, with tag: “Craig T. Nelson, Former Star of “Coach” ]
President Bill Clinton: It’s a pleasure to be here, Larry.[ cut to two-box shot of Larry King and President Clinton ]
Larry King: Now, Mr. President, you’ve been involved in many, many scandals during your presidency, and yet, you always seem to come away unscathed. Would you call this justice, or clever spin-doctoring?
President Bill Clinton: I would hardly call the brave stance I took in Iraq “spin-doctoring”, Larry.
Larry King: [ a beat ] Ah, you got me there. Damn, you’re good.
President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah – I’m the best! [ laughs out loud, stops to bite his lip and give a thumbs-up ] Thanks for noticing, Lar.
Larry King: Well, you’re welcome, Billy. Now, tonight, you have agreed to attempt to put your many scandals behind you, to face your accusers in an open forum.
President Bill Clinton: Yes, that is correct. I want to end all these pointless allegations once and for all, and get on with the business of running this country.
Larry King: Fair enough. With that in mind, joining us live from her Watergate apartment – Ms. Monica Lewinsky.[ cut to Monica Lewinsky, with tag: “Monica Lewinsky” ]
Monica Lewinsky: Hi, Larry! [ giggles ] That was so funny, that time when you made out with that old guy!
Larry King: Marlon Brando, a fine actor.
Monica Lewinsky: Yeah! Marlon Brando. So, am I doing good so far, Bill?[ cut to two-box shot of Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton ]
President Bill Clinton: You’re doing great, baby!
Monica Lewinsky: Hey, thanks a lot for not inviting me to that Time Magazine party. I mean, it’s not like I want to meet Tom Cruise, or anything.
President Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, sugar – you know I was with the big three-fifth.
Monica Lewinsky: You mean, Thunder Thighs? Hey, you must have had a blast.[ Clinton chuckles out loud, loving every moment of this conversation ]
Larry King: At any rate – also joining us from Little Rock, Arkansas – Miss Paula Jones.[ cut to Paula Jones, with tag: “Paula Jones” ]
Paula Jones: Hello, Larry. Hello, Monica. [ a beat, then waves ] Hello, Lefty
Larry King: Also, joining us, from the federal penitentiary in Forth Worth, Texas, where she’s serving time for refusing to testify against Bill Clinton – is Susan McDougal.[ cut to Susan McDougal in prison wearing orange prison jumpsuit, with tag: “Susan McDougal” ]
Susan McDougal: Hi, Larry. And, Bill? [ raises handcuffed hands ] You’re welcome [ bleep ]!
Larry King: And also live, from Washington, D.C., one of the main culprits in the campaign financing scandal – John Huang.[ cut to Chinaman John Huang, with tag: “John Huang” ]
John Huang: Hello, Larry.
President Bill Clinton: Finally, we can put all this nonsense to rest, Larry. I believe —
Larry King: Hang on, Mr. President! Also joining us, from Arkansas – Jim Guy Tucker —[ cut to Jim Guy Tucker standing behind prison bars, with tag: “Jim Guy Tucker” ]
Larry King: — the former governor of Arkansas, who is in prison for his involvement in Whitewater.[ cut to William Ginsburg sitting behind desk, with tag: “William Ginsburg” ]
Larry King: Here is – William Ginsburg, joining us. The attorney representing Ms. Lewinsky.[ cut to Leon Panetta, with tag: “Leon Panetta” ]
Larry King: Leon Panetta, an insider in the Travelgate scandal, is with us.[ cut to Vernon Jordan, with tag: “Vernon Jordan” ]
Larry King: Also – Vernon Jordan. An advisor to the President, who is laso embroiled in the Lewinsky case. Welcome, everyone.[ cut to fourplex shot of all four men from their respective locations ]
All: It’s great to be here, Larry!![ cut to Clinton ]
President Bill Clinton: [ makes a face ] Larry, I am so glad to have this opportunity to discuss —
Larry King: Also joining us —[ cut to Marcia Lewis, with tag: “Marcia Lewis” ]
Larry King: — is Marcia Lewis, the mother of Monica Lewisnky.[ cut to Charlie Trie, with tag: “Charlie Trie” ]
Larry King: And, Charlie Trie is with us, who is also accused in the illegal fundraising scandal.[ cut to Brent Perry, with tag: “Brent Perry” ]
Larry King: In addition, joining us from Washington, as always – Brent Perry, the attorney for Paula Jones’ defense fund.[ cut to Maria Hsai, with tag: “Maria Hsai” ]
Larry King: And – Maria Hsai, a Democratic fundraiser accused of taking illegal contributions.[ cut to Donovan Campbell, with tag: “Donovan Campbell” ]
Larry King: Donovan Campbell, the attorney for Paula Jones.[ cut to Kathleen Willie, with tag: “Kathleen Willie” ]
Larry King: Katherine Willie is with us. She has testified that the President fondled her.[ cut to trooper Danny Ferguson, with tag: “Danny Ferguson” ]
Larry King: Danny Ferguson, the state trooper who is co-dependent in the Paula Jones suit.[ cut to Bruce Lindsey, with tag: “Bruce Lindsey” ]
Larry King: And, finally – Bruce Lindsey, a good friend and advisor to the President, joins us from his home in Maryland.[ cut back to Larry King ]
Larry King: Everyone, thank you for joining us.[ cut to multiplex shot of all sixteen guests from their respective locations ]
All: It’s good to be here, Larry!![ cut to two-box shot of President Clinton in one square, and his sixteen accusers boxed multiplex-style in the other square. Clinton is at first stunned and surprised, but then smiles. ]
President Bill Clinton: All this talk about scandals is nonsense.
Larry King: Alright now, Mr. President. Let’s give our guests a chance to tell their stories. In your own words, people – what exactly happened?[ cut to the multiplex shot, as all sixteen accusers begin talking at once, unintelligible at best ]
Larry King: Well, they make a good point, Mr. President. Any response to these allegations?
President Bill Clinton: [ smugly ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni –“
Larry King: [ interrupting ] Alright, alright, Mr. President! That’s gotten you out of many jams before. But, please, just answer the question!
President Bill Clinton: Uh.. I have to check with Betty Currie. She.. really keeps track of my schedule..
Larry King: Okay, that was lame! Scandal participants, how do you respond to this statement?[ cut to the multiplex shot of all sixteen accusers ]
All: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“