Shirtless Bible Salesmen
Leif Barrett…..Will Ferrell
Kent State…..Tim Meadows
[ open on a suburban porch, inside angle as Homemaker answers the door ]
Leif Barrett: Hey there, pretty lady. My name’s Leif Barrett. This is my partner Kent State. We’re shirtless, and we sell bibles.
Kent State: And you, you look like the kind of pretty lady who could use a bible, or twelve [ laughs ]. But seriously, how many bibles would you like to buy?
Homemaker: Sorry, guys, I’m not interested in buying any bibles today.
Leif Barrett: Well, that’s bad news, ’cause I’m planning on busting my ass to get you into a brand new bible.
Homemaker: Thanks anyway, I don’t need any bibles.
Leif Barrett: Maybe I can put it to you a little more clearly. This bible reeks of class [ Kent sniffs a bible ], okay? A sophisticated little number. And, dudes are going to go nuts when you buy this and put it on your shelf.
Homemake: Yeah? I’m married. I don’t want dudes going nuts in my home.
Kent State: Uh, but, lady, this bible has pictures in it.
Leif Barrett: Yeah, there’s pictures of that guy Jesus, and other bible guys, from the olden days.
Homemaker: Why aren’t you wearing any shirts?
Leif Barrett: Bibles don’t wear shirts. Why should we?
Homemaker: Because you’re gross?
Kent State: Yeah? You know what’s not gross?
Homemaker: The bible?
Kent State: Oh, dammit. You anticipate my every move, you know that? you must be really good at checkers.
Leif Barrett: How ’bout this? What if every bible came.. with a brick of gold? Would you buy one?
Homemaker: Of course.
Leif Barrett: Okay. Now, take away the bar of gold. Do you still want one?
Leif Barett: Okay, the gold’s back. You want one now?
Homemaker: Of course.
Kent State: Okay, what if I told you that I would remove my pants if you buy a bible?
Homemaker: Then I would definitely not buy a bible.
Kent State: Okay, what if told you that I would remove my underpants? Would that sweeten the deal?
Kent State: What if I also.. okay.. lady, how ’bout this: you see this watch? This is how much the Lord loves you.
Homemaker: That doesn’t make any sense!
Leif Barrett: You know who does make sense?
Leif Barett: Jesus.
Kent State: Mmm-hmm. Jesus Martinez. He’s our supervisor. And he says if we don’t sell 1,500 bibles a week for a year, we owe him 700 grand.
Leif Barrett: We signed four contracts saying we’d do this.
Kent State: And they all hold up in court.
Homemaker: Why would you agree to that?
Leif Barrett: Well, it all started when we picked up a ringing payphone in a laundromat. This guy wanted to know if we’d want to buy a condo in Vegas.
Kent State: Yeah. Of course, we’re not crazy, we said yes! And so we gave him all our credit card numbers, and that’s how we met our best friend in the world, Jesus..
Leif & Kent: Martinez.
Homemaker: Wait, wait. Jesus Martinez is your friend? I thought he was the guy that swindled you?
Kent State: He is, but he’s a good listener.
Leif Barrett: Every Friday night we meet him at Taco Bell, and wait for him to tell us if they’re going to build the condo or not.
Homemaker: The condo’s not even built yet?
Kent State: No. No, they might not even build it, and they’re definitely not building it in Vegas [ laughing ], we know that much for a fact.
Leif Barrett: Yeah, we know that. In fact, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t do it.
Kent State: You know what? I would do it over again, but instead of buying a condo, I think I’d buy spinal cord medicine.
Homemaker: What’s wrong with your spine?
Kent State: Oh, nothing that a little spinal cord medicine won’t fix.
Leif Barrett: Okay.. I’ll tell you what. You let us stay in your house for a week..
Kent State: Good deal!
Leif Barrett: ..all you have to do is buy 3,000 bibles, Even-Steven.
Homemaker: [ angry, pushing them out the door ] Get out, get out. Come on, that’s enough..
Kent State: Aw, lady, would you kick the Lord out of your house?
Homemaker: Well, you’re not the Lord?
Kent State: Yes, but if I was the Lord, would you pray to me?
Leif Barrett: Hey, Kent, what if I also was the Lord, and then we’d have to have a Lord-Off?
Kent State: [ amused ] Aw, dude! I would destroy you with my Jesus fingers, and then I could have all the burritos I could eat!
Leif Barrett: [ laughing too ] I’d have a super-deep voice and good clothes. And I’d look in showers of women’s dorms with my Lord-vision.
Kent State: Aw, dude, I would use my Lordness to get out of three of the four contracts with Jesus Martinez.
Homemaker: Now, wait, if you’re the Lord, why wouldn’t you get out of all four?
Kent State: Well, you have to see that fourth contract, lady, it’s a doozy.
Homemaker: [ pushing them completely out the door ] Good day, gentlemen, good day.
[ cut to the outside porch area ]
Kent State: I told you we should have worn shirts.
Leif Barrett: You’re right. [ pause ] Come on, let’s go untie that kid.
Kent State: Yeah. Hey, kid..