Shirtless Bible Salesmen


Shirtless Bible Salesmen

Leif Barrett…..Will Ferrell
Kent State…..Tim Meadows
Homemaker…..Julianne Moore

[ open on a suburban porch, inside angle as Homemaker answers the door ]

Leif Barrett: Hey there, pretty lady. My name’s Leif Barrett. This is my partner Kent State. We’re shirtless, and we sell bibles.

Kent State: And you, you look like the kind of pretty lady who could use a bible, or twelve [ laughs ]. But seriously, how many bibles would you like to buy?

Homemaker: Sorry, guys, I’m not interested in buying any bibles today.

Leif Barrett: Well, that’s bad news, ’cause I’m planning on busting my ass to get you into a brand new bible.

Homemaker: Thanks anyway, I don’t need any bibles.

Leif Barrett: Maybe I can put it to you a little more clearly. This bible reeks of class [ Kent sniffs a bible ], okay? A sophisticated little number. And, dudes are going to go nuts when you buy this and put it on your shelf.

Homemake: Yeah? I’m married. I don’t want dudes going nuts in my home.

Kent State: Uh, but, lady, this bible has pictures in it.

Leif Barrett: Yeah, there’s pictures of that guy Jesus, and other bible guys, from the olden days.

Homemaker: Why aren’t you wearing any shirts?

Leif Barrett: Bibles don’t wear shirts. Why should we?

Homemaker: Because you’re gross?

Kent State: Yeah? You know what’s not gross?

Homemaker: The bible?

Kent State: Oh, dammit. You anticipate my every move, you know that? you must be really good at checkers.

Leif Barrett: How ’bout this? What if every bible came.. with a brick of gold? Would you buy one?

Homemaker: Of course.

Leif Barrett: Okay. Now, take away the bar of gold. Do you still want one?

Homemaker: No.

Leif Barett: Okay, the gold’s back. You want one now?
Homemaker: Of course.

Kent State: Okay, what if I told you that I would remove my pants if you buy a bible?

Homemaker: Then I would definitely not buy a bible.

Kent State: Okay, what if told you that I would remove my underpants? Would that sweeten the deal?

Homemaker: No.

Kent State: What if I also.. okay.. lady, how ’bout this: you see this watch? This is how much the Lord loves you.

Homemaker: That doesn’t make any sense!

Leif Barrett: You know who does make sense?

Homemaker: Who?

Leif Barett: Jesus.

Kent State: Mmm-hmm. Jesus Martinez. He’s our supervisor. And he says if we don’t sell 1,500 bibles a week for a year, we owe him 700 grand.

Leif Barrett: We signed four contracts saying we’d do this.

Kent State: And they all hold up in court.

Homemaker: Why would you agree to that?

Leif Barrett: Well, it all started when we picked up a ringing payphone in a laundromat. This guy wanted to know if we’d want to buy a condo in Vegas.

Kent State: Yeah. Of course, we’re not crazy, we said yes! And so we gave him all our credit card numbers, and that’s how we met our best friend in the world, Jesus..

Leif & Kent: Martinez.

Homemaker: Wait, wait. Jesus Martinez is your friend? I thought he was the guy that swindled you?

Kent State: He is, but he’s a good listener.

Leif Barrett: Every Friday night we meet him at Taco Bell, and wait for him to tell us if they’re going to build the condo or not.

Homemaker: The condo’s not even built yet?

Kent State: No. No, they might not even build it, and they’re definitely not building it in Vegas [ laughing ], we know that much for a fact.

Leif Barrett: Yeah, we know that. In fact, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t do it.

Kent State: You know what? I would do it over again, but instead of buying a condo, I think I’d buy spinal cord medicine.

Homemaker: What’s wrong with your spine?

Kent State: Oh, nothing that a little spinal cord medicine won’t fix.

Leif Barrett: Okay.. I’ll tell you what. You let us stay in your house for a week..

Kent State: Good deal!

Leif Barrett: ..all you have to do is buy 3,000 bibles, Even-Steven.

Homemaker: [ angry, pushing them out the door ] Get out, get out. Come on, that’s enough..

Kent State: Aw, lady, would you kick the Lord out of your house?

Homemaker: Well, you’re not the Lord?

Kent State: Yes, but if I was the Lord, would you pray to me?

Leif Barrett: Hey, Kent, what if I also was the Lord, and then we’d have to have a Lord-Off?

Kent State: [ amused ] Aw, dude! I would destroy you with my Jesus fingers, and then I could have all the burritos I could eat!

Leif Barrett: [ laughing too ] I’d have a super-deep voice and good clothes. And I’d look in showers of women’s dorms with my Lord-vision.

Kent State: Aw, dude, I would use my Lordness to get out of three of the four contracts with Jesus Martinez.

Homemaker: Now, wait, if you’re the Lord, why wouldn’t you get out of all four?

Kent State: Well, you have to see that fourth contract, lady, it’s a doozy.

Homemaker: [ pushing them completely out the door ] Good day, gentlemen, good day.

[ cut to the outside porch area ]

Kent State: I told you we should have worn shirts.

Leif Barrett: You’re right. [ pause ] Come on, let’s go untie that kid.

Kent State: Yeah. Hey, kid..

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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