Delicious Dish


Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Audrey Kay…..Julianne Moore

[ open on exterior, NPR van parked in front of a cornfield ] [ dissolve to Margret Jo and Teri performing a live remote in the cornfield ]

Margaret McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret McCullen: And you’re listening to..

Together: “The Delicious Dish”. On National Public Radio.

Margaret McCullen: Now, Terry, we’ve decided to shake things up this week. We’re coming to you live, from a field, outside of..

Together: Kirby, Nebraska!

Margaret McCullen: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this! I feel like an Acapulco cliffdiver!

Teri Rialto: I know. It’s exciting and dangerous. And, thanks to the magic of radio, we can share this thrilling experience with our listeners.

Margaret McCullen: That’s right, So, lash yourself to the mast, everybody, and prepare yourselves for what Teri and I like to call the soundgasm that is rural Nebraska!

[ sound of truck passing ]

Margaret McCullen: I think I hear a truck.

Teri Rialto: Trucks are.. useful.

Margaret McCullen: They really are. Truck are neat, I like them.

Teri Rialto: I like trucks, too.

Margaret McCullen: This is really fun!

Teri Rialto: It’s nice to take risks.

Margaret McCullen: It sure is. Yes. We’re gonna have fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Anyway, Terry, the reason we’re here – besides the auditory thrill ride – is to visit Red Bliss Farm. It’s the only working organic farm that produces one of our favorite heartland staple crops..

Together: Sorghum!

Teri Rialto: That’s right. And here to talk with us about the organic production of this multi-purpose grain, is Harvesting Director Audrey Kay.

Margaret McCullen: Hi, Audrey. It’s so fun to be here, in your environment.

Audrey Kay: Thank you. And I’d like to welcome you to Red Bliss Farms, our little oasis of organic purity.

Teri Rialto: So, Audrey, we have a lot of ground to cover!

Audrey Kay: I’ll say. Our compound covers over 1,500 acres of ground.

Margaret McCullen: Wow! What a clever play on words!

Teri Rialto: That was really funny!

Margaret McCullen: This is fun.

Teri Rialto: This is neat!

Margaret McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun.

Margaret McCullen: It’s neat for you to be here.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Good times. Now, Audrey, so many of us take sorghum for granted. Will you give our listeners a glimpse into the kaleidoscope that is sorghum production?

Audrey Kay: It truly is an intoxicating prism. Now, pay attention, because this can get tricky. Sorghum can be used for syrup.. grain.. and broom fiber.

Teri Rialto: Broom fiber? You just blew my mind!

Margaret McCullen: So, if you spilled some sorghum, you could sweep it up with soem sorghum! [ light, muffled laugh ]

Audrey Kay: [ serious ] That’s very funny.. but we keep the compound extremely clean.

Teri Rialto: Speaking of which, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about Red Bliss Farms.

Audrey Kay: Certainly. Our compound is a fully self-sufficient farm. We purify our own water, we preserve and can our own food, and we provide a safe and spiritually-nurturing haven for all 333 cadets of the Intergalactic Apocalypse that live and work here on the compound.

Margaret McCullen: [ stunned ] Oh. I.. I guess there’s a lot I didn’t know about organic farming..

Audrey Kay: We all have a lot to learn. That is why we follow the teachings of Allias.

Teri Rialto: Allias? Is that your boss?

Audrey Kay: Allias is a divine leader. He was born 4,000 years ago, on the planet Cortex. His true name cannot be pronounced by the human tongue.

Margaret McCullen: [ for lack of something to say ] Our.. our boss’ name is Chet.

Teri Rialto: So.. uh.. your farm is called Red Bliss Farms. Do you also grow red bliss potatoes here?

Audrey Kay: Potatoes? Oh, no. It’s named that because we are all awaiting the Red Bliss. It is coming! It will descend upon our planet with a deluge of plasma and ecstasy! Few will be spared. Which is why all cadets sleep in lead-lined coffins.

Margaret McCullen: [ nervous ] Wow, Terry.. I think I heard another truck go by..

Audrey Kay: Have the two of you given any thought to where your souls will reside after the sky is torn to shreds by silver saucers?

Margaret McCullen: No.. I haven’t..

Teri Rialto: [ firm ] I have.

Margaret McCullen: Wh-Where’s the van?

Audrey Kay: Terry. You and I have much to talk about.

Margaret McCullen: [ quickly ] That’s all the time we have on the Delicious Dish..

Audrey Kay: Do you want to see my implant scars?

Margaret McCullen: No.

Teri Rialto: I want to see them.

Margaret McCullen: Join us next week, when we’ll be safely back in the studio.

Audrey Kay: Are you ready to meet Allias?

Margaret McCullen: No! And our topic will be.. fennel.

Teri Rialto: I want to meet Allias.

Margaret McCullen: Terry, I’m getting you out of here. Terry. Terry.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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