Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Audrey Kay…..Julianne Moore
[ open on exterior, NPR van parked in front of a cornfield ] [ dissolve to Margret Jo and Teri performing a live remote in the cornfield ]
Margaret McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret McCullen: And you’re listening to..
Together: “The Delicious Dish”. On National Public Radio.
Margaret McCullen: Now, Terry, we’ve decided to shake things up this week. We’re coming to you live, from a field, outside of..
Together: Kirby, Nebraska!
Margaret McCullen: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this! I feel like an Acapulco cliffdiver!
Teri Rialto: I know. It’s exciting and dangerous. And, thanks to the magic of radio, we can share this thrilling experience with our listeners.
Margaret McCullen: That’s right, So, lash yourself to the mast, everybody, and prepare yourselves for what Teri and I like to call the soundgasm that is rural Nebraska![ sound of truck passing ]
Margaret McCullen: I think I hear a truck.
Teri Rialto: Trucks are.. useful.
Margaret McCullen: They really are. Truck are neat, I like them.
Teri Rialto: I like trucks, too.
Margaret McCullen: This is really fun!
Teri Rialto: It’s nice to take risks.
Margaret McCullen: It sure is. Yes. We’re gonna have fun.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margaret McCullen: Anyway, Terry, the reason we’re here – besides the auditory thrill ride – is to visit Red Bliss Farm. It’s the only working organic farm that produces one of our favorite heartland staple crops..
Teri Rialto: That’s right. And here to talk with us about the organic production of this multi-purpose grain, is Harvesting Director Audrey Kay.
Margaret McCullen: Hi, Audrey. It’s so fun to be here, in your environment.
Audrey Kay: Thank you. And I’d like to welcome you to Red Bliss Farms, our little oasis of organic purity.
Teri Rialto: So, Audrey, we have a lot of ground to cover!
Audrey Kay: I’ll say. Our compound covers over 1,500 acres of ground.
Margaret McCullen: Wow! What a clever play on words!
Teri Rialto: That was really funny!
Margaret McCullen: This is fun.
Teri Rialto: This is neat!
Margaret McCullen: Neat.
Teri Rialto: It’s fun.
Margaret McCullen: It’s neat for you to be here.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margaret McCullen: Good times. Now, Audrey, so many of us take sorghum for granted. Will you give our listeners a glimpse into the kaleidoscope that is sorghum production?
Audrey Kay: It truly is an intoxicating prism. Now, pay attention, because this can get tricky. Sorghum can be used for syrup.. grain.. and broom fiber.
Teri Rialto: Broom fiber? You just blew my mind!
Margaret McCullen: So, if you spilled some sorghum, you could sweep it up with soem sorghum! [ light, muffled laugh ]
Audrey Kay: [ serious ] That’s very funny.. but we keep the compound extremely clean.
Teri Rialto: Speaking of which, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about Red Bliss Farms.
Audrey Kay: Certainly. Our compound is a fully self-sufficient farm. We purify our own water, we preserve and can our own food, and we provide a safe and spiritually-nurturing haven for all 333 cadets of the Intergalactic Apocalypse that live and work here on the compound.
Margaret McCullen: [ stunned ] Oh. I.. I guess there’s a lot I didn’t know about organic farming..
Audrey Kay: We all have a lot to learn. That is why we follow the teachings of Allias.
Teri Rialto: Allias? Is that your boss?
Audrey Kay: Allias is a divine leader. He was born 4,000 years ago, on the planet Cortex. His true name cannot be pronounced by the human tongue.
Margaret McCullen: [ for lack of something to say ] Our.. our boss’ name is Chet.
Teri Rialto: So.. uh.. your farm is called Red Bliss Farms. Do you also grow red bliss potatoes here?
Audrey Kay: Potatoes? Oh, no. It’s named that because we are all awaiting the Red Bliss. It is coming! It will descend upon our planet with a deluge of plasma and ecstasy! Few will be spared. Which is why all cadets sleep in lead-lined coffins.
Margaret McCullen: [ nervous ] Wow, Terry.. I think I heard another truck go by..
Audrey Kay: Have the two of you given any thought to where your souls will reside after the sky is torn to shreds by silver saucers?
Margaret McCullen: No.. I haven’t..
Teri Rialto: [ firm ] I have.
Margaret McCullen: Wh-Where’s the van?
Audrey Kay: Terry. You and I have much to talk about.
Margaret McCullen: [ quickly ] That’s all the time we have on the Delicious Dish..
Audrey Kay: Do you want to see my implant scars?
Margaret McCullen: No.
Teri Rialto: I want to see them.
Margaret McCullen: Join us next week, when we’ll be safely back in the studio.
Audrey Kay: Are you ready to meet Allias?
Margaret McCullen: No! And our topic will be.. fennel.
Teri Rialto: I want to meet Allias.
Margaret McCullen: Terry, I’m getting you out of here. Terry. Terry.[ fade ]