Terence Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Student #1…..Cheri Oteri
Student #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Molly Shannon
[OPEN – night exterior – see “Morris County Community College” on the side of a brick school building]
Teacher: All right, class. Tonight we’re gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist: the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last-minute replacement. His name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now.[Maddox approaches, wearing a robe. Stands next to Teacher. Puts down bag]
Teacher: Okay. Terence, whenever you’re ready.
Terence Maddox: All right, gang. It’s showtime. Prepare to have your gaskets blown. [takes off robe] W-e-ell?
Teacher: All right, Mr. Maddox, if you could please lie down.
Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-ell?
Teacher: Please just lie down.
Terence Maddox: Whoa-whoa! Let the people be heard.[there’s silence]
Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-elll??
Teacher: Just have a seat.
Terence Maddox: All right, all right. Now, I’ll try and lay as still as I can, but work with me, people, ’cause Daddy’s got the shakes.
Teacher: Just do the best you can.[Maddox groans as he settles in]
Teacher: Now, now, if you wouldn’t mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn.
Terence Maddox: Oh. Well then I got a little somethin’ for them. Here’s a little biology lesson, class. [points to his right nipple] Milk. [points to his left nipple] Milk. [points down toward his groin] Lemonade. [points around to his rear] This is where the fudge is made-
Teacher: Mr. Maddox. Please. Just lie still. [walking to the front of the class] Now, class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. Take him in, notice the way the nude human form-
Student #1: [pointing] Oh my God! Oh! That’s gross![class groans]
Teacher: Oh, dear God!
Terence Maddox: What?!
Teacher: Mr. Maddox, please!
Terence Maddox: [looks down] Uh-oh. Somebody woke the baby.
Teacher: Just cover yourself.
Terence Maddox: I guess all that talk about taking me in kinda got me excited. Truth be told, that’s what got me into this crazy biz. [looks down again] Well, don’t worry, folks. It looks like the Hulk’s not mad anymore. He’s turning back into harmless ol’ Bruce Banner.
Student #2: I do not believe this!
Terence Maddox: Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about thirty years ago. Cream of Maddox.
Terence Maddox: Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day. Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. Is it cool if I grub up? [reaches down to his bag]
Teacher: If it’ll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want.
Terence Maddox: [holding up bag of chips] Got these tortilla chips bulk. But they’re a little bland. [reaches into bag, pulls out block of cheese and a cheese grater] That’s where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. [starts to grate cheese onto his chest] See, the body heat melts the Jack. And I’m tellin’ you, people, I’m all about body heat.
Student #3: Oh my God. That’s sick.
Student #2: Yeah.
Student #4: [gestures to Teacher] Oh, come on, this is gross! Do something!
Teacher: Uh, Mr. Maddox, that’s disgusting. You know what, why don’t you leave, right now.[Maddox starts to sob, then hack]
Teacher: Uh uh-please-please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I’m sorry. Listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you’d like.
Terence Maddox: That’s okay. I know when I’m not wanted. You don’t have to kick ol’ Terence Maddox in the ball. [getting up, putting on robe] Now… I may not have gone to some fancy art school but if you ask me, you people wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. Which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing. Good day, to you. [Maddox walks off] [“What a Wonderful World” plays over a series of students’ sketches of Maddox] [Maddox blows a kiss at camera, points to his eye, winks and says, “Wink,” then does hand gestures…]
Thanks to Sharon Eldridge for this transcript!