Terence Maddox


Terence Maddox

Terence Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Teacher…..Julianne Moore
Student #1…..Cheri Oteri
Student #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Molly Shannon

[OPEN – night exterior – see “Morris County Community College” on the side of a brick school building]

Teacher: All right, class. Tonight we’re gonna work with the most rewarding subject that there is for an artist: the human body. Now, unfortunately, the life model I normally use was unable to make it, but we do have a last-minute replacement. His name is Terence Maddox. Terence, you can come in now.

[Maddox approaches, wearing a robe. Stands next to Teacher. Puts down bag]

Teacher: Okay. Terence, whenever you’re ready.

Terence Maddox: All right, gang. It’s showtime. Prepare to have your gaskets blown. [takes off robe] W-e-ell?

Teacher: All right, Mr. Maddox, if you could please lie down.

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-ell?

Teacher: Please just lie down.

Terence Maddox: Whoa-whoa! Let the people be heard.

[there’s silence]

Terence Maddox: Ww-e-e-elll??

Teacher: Just have a seat.

Terence Maddox: All right, all right. Now, I’ll try and lay as still as I can, but work with me, people, ’cause Daddy’s got the shakes.

Teacher: Just do the best you can.

[Maddox groans as he settles in]

Teacher: Now, now, if you wouldn’t mind just quieting down, these students are here to learn.

Terence Maddox: Oh. Well then I got a little somethin’ for them. Here’s a little biology lesson, class. [points to his right nipple] Milk. [points to his left nipple] Milk. [points down toward his groin] Lemonade. [points around to his rear] This is where the fudge is made-

Teacher: Mr. Maddox. Please. Just lie still. [walking to the front of the class] Now, class, before you draw Mr. Maddox, I want all of you to just look at him for a moment. Take him in, notice the way the nude human form-

Student #1: [pointing] Oh my God! Oh! That’s gross!

[class groans]

Teacher: Oh, dear God!

Terence Maddox: What?!

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, please!

Terence Maddox: [looks down] Uh-oh. Somebody woke the baby.

Teacher: Just cover yourself.

Terence Maddox: I guess all that talk about taking me in kinda got me excited. Truth be told, that’s what got me into this crazy biz. [looks down again] Well, don’t worry, folks. It looks like the Hulk’s not mad anymore. He’s turning back into harmless ol’ Bruce Banner.

Student #2: I do not believe this!

Terence Maddox: Now, to answer your question, yes, I did lose a testicle in Vietnam. Charlie made soup out of it about thirty years ago. Cream of Maddox.

[class groans]

Terence Maddox: Yeah, that was the ball du jour that day. Hey, all this talk is making me hungry. Is it cool if I grub up? [reaches down to his bag]

Teacher: If it’ll keep you quiet, you can do whatever you want.

Terence Maddox: [holding up bag of chips] Got these tortilla chips bulk. But they’re a little bland. [reaches into bag, pulls out block of cheese and a cheese grater] That’s where my little buddy Monterey Jack comes in handy. [starts to grate cheese onto his chest] See, the body heat melts the Jack. And I’m tellin’ you, people, I’m all about body heat.

Student #3: Oh my God. That’s sick.

Student #2: Yeah.

Student #4: [gestures to Teacher] Oh, come on, this is gross! Do something!

Teacher: Uh, Mr. Maddox, that’s disgusting. You know what, why don’t you leave, right now.

[Maddox starts to sob, then hack]

Teacher: Uh…uh-please-please calm down. Mr. Maddox, I’m sorry. Listen, if you promise to lay still, you can stay as long as you’d like.

Terence Maddox: That’s okay. I know when I’m not wanted. You don’t have to kick ol’ Terence Maddox in the ball. [getting up, putting on robe] Now… I may not have gone to some fancy art school… but if you ask me, you people wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot taking a crap on all your cars. Which, by the way, it is just seconds away from doing. Good day, to you. [Maddox walks off] [“What a Wonderful World” plays over a series of students’ sketches of Maddox] [Maddox blows a kiss at camera, points to his eye, winks and says, “Wink,” then does hand gestures…]

Thanks to Sharon Eldridge for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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