Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
… Colin Quinn
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Thank you. I’m ColinQuinn.
Well, the big story all week was Bill Clinton. What aSpring Break he’s having, huh? … Depositions,accusations. The week started out great for him — JimMcDougal died. I know it’s one of his closest friends,but let’s face it, he was pretty happy. That wasStarr’s key witness. He’s relieved but he’s gotta actupset. He can’t come out and start celebrating likeMariah Carey’s been doin’ since she left TommyMottola, right? … Can’t run around in a tube topsayin’, “I’m a butterfly, I’m a butterfly.” … Thatwas a great Mariah Carey impression, I know….
Then Tuesday, in some kind of Freudian self-cleansing,he announced he’s gonna have his dog Buddy neutered…. Y’know? When the President informed Buddy of thedecision, the dog was heard to say, “Don’t ever callme Buddy again.” …
Then yesterday afternoon they released seven hundredpages of documents, including two of Clinton’s owndepositions. Here’s basically what the depositionsays: Gennifer Flowers: fondled for twelve years;Kathleen Willey: supposedly fondled; Paula Jones:almost fondled; Linda Tripp: wishes she was fondled;… Monica Lewinsky: did all the fondling. …
Then you have the Kathleen Willey story. He says hejust kissed her on the forehead, but Kathleen Willeysays Clinton kissed her on the forehead, then took herright hand and placed it on his genitals, and said,”Do you swear to not tell the truth, the whole truthand anything but the truth?” …
In the documents they listed some other Jane Does thatClinton was with. One of them was a Miss America. Nowhow did the cute one slip in there? … All right?[cheers and applause] Ah, Miss America. Ah, all right.You know that’s the only one that bothers Hillary,too. … The rest of them she doesn’t care about. Butthat one must kill her.
But you know what it was? Clinton screwed up becausehe was born at the wrong time. I’m sure everypresident had like six mistresses, but he lives in atime when you get called on for your behavior, whenthe country’s just a giant “Ricki Lake Show” judgingyour sex life, y’know? … If this was thirty yearsago, these kinds of things would get taken care of.Paula Jones would’ve got her twenty-five grand and thejob in Hollywood she asked for. Monica Lewinskywould’ve been President of Revlon already. … AndLinda Tripp would have been taken to Vegas, driven outto the desert behind the Sands, and “accidentallyoverdosed,” you know? … [some applause]
Astronomers have reported that a giant asteroid couldpass near Earth in the year 2028. [A working screenimage of the classic coin-operated video game”Asteroids” appears next to Colin — a tiny triangularspacecraft in an asteroid field] Should the asteroidget close enough to threaten life on our planet, thescientists plan to board a tiny triangular spacecraftand fire a laser at the asteroid [The “Asteroids”spacecraft starts shooting asteroids with theappropriate sound effects] … breaking it into foursmaller pieces, then destroy each of those smallerpieces. … If the scientists destroy the entireasteroid, they will get to enter their initials in the”Top Ten Scores” … but instead of their initials,they will probably enter “SEX” or “ASS.” … Best ofall, NASA spokespeople predict that the cost of theentire operation will be one quarter. … Ah, wepushed it as far as we could go. … Allright.[Photo of Clinton with United NationsSecretary-General Kofi Annan] Kofi Annan met with thePresident this week to ask the U.S. to pay the 1.3billion that we owe to the U.N. The President refusedand then kissed him on the forehead and took Annan’shand and put it on his genitals. … [applause] Oh?Surprise, surprise.
A Minnesota judge who’s presiding over a lawsuitagainst tobacco companies was accused of bias. Thetobacco companies claim he made “anti-tobacco”comments. Now, is this what we’ve come to? Have webecome so politically correct that you can’t make aninsulting remark about tobacco? What is ananti-tobacco remark? “Hey, I don’t mind individualcigarettes, but when they get together they become apack. Then they’re trouble, you know?” …
According to scientists at Cambridge University,female penguins on an island near the South Pole areprostituting themselves to male penguins for stonesthey use to build nests. Police have arrested theirpimp. [Photo of grinning actor Burgess Meredith asBatman’s arch villain “The Penguin” (from the 1960slive action TV series “Batman”). He wears a purple tophat and a monocle with a long cigarette holderclenched in his teeth.] … I know people don’t liketo think of penguins having sex. It is kind ofdisgusting. But every man here knows — be honest –if you’re driving around one night, you have no money,it’s late, you see a penguin with a halter top and yougot a few rocks in the trunk — you’re gonna make amove. … Yeah, bust a move, I should say.
The man who invented the leisure suit, William Farah,died Monday after a long battle with bad taste. …Services will be held in the men’s department at J. C.Penney. … [scattered applause]
NASA’s lunar prospector last week discovered evidenceof sizable reservoirs of ice on the moon. In order toimprove home game attendance, the New York Islandersare planning to relocate there. … [mild responsefrom crowd, Colin reacts:] What, are they having agood year? All right. All right.
A study of odors that sexually arouse women found thatthe most stimulating aromas are licorice, pumpkin, andlavender. The same study showed that men become mostaroused when they smell desperation. … And I had theface of desperation, you notice that? For differentreasons entirely.
The Federal government is considering legislationwhich would put a condensed version of the U.S.Constitution on the back of one dollar bills. Nowyou’ll be able to study law and enjoy a lap dance atthe same time. …
Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone says he has gotten apermit to carry a concealed weapon. He’s also changinghis nickname from “The Mailman” to “The DisgruntledMailman.” … [ironic] Tee hee.[Photo of Albert Lippert with caption under it reading”BEFORE”] Albert Lippert, a founder of WeightWatchers, died at the age of 72 this week. [Photo ofskeleton with caption under it reading “AFTER”] …Ah, you gotta like it.
This Tuesday is St. Patrick’s Day. In the spirit ofMayor Giuliani’s new policy of civility in the city,vomiting will only be allowed on designatedcrosswalks.
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking toit.