Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter…..Steve Buscemi
Alice…..Molly Shannon
Rabbit…..John Hurt
Rat…..Ana Gasteyer
Doctors…..Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan

Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Children’s Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.

[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]

Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party I’ve ever been to.

Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course it’s absurd. That’s because we’re all mad, marvelously mad!

Alice: You’re all mad?

Rabbit: Well of course we’re all mad. Why, I’m so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]

Rat: I’m so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]

Mad Hatter: Hey, I’m so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]

Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?

Mad Hatter: I said I’m mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.

Rabbit: Oh…yeah…mad…right. Well, I’m so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.

Mad Hatter: Why I’m so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.

Alice: That is horrible.

Mad Hatter: What’s wrong? Can’t you handle a merry, whimsical madness?

Rabbit: No, I’m with her, that’s not mad, that is sick.

Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, we’re all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I don’t see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]

Rat: You don’t see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.

Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! It’s Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!

Alice: Your friend is scaring me.

Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.

Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!

Rabbit: I think you’d just better go.

Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We haven’t finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]

Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.

Rat: I thought this was…Hey what are you doing under the table?

Rabbit: Oh my God…he’s having a fit!

Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, aren’t they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that he’s not wearing pants. Does a little dance]

Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didn’t hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]

Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, that’s all.

Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, you’re coming with us.

Mad Hatter: You’re all dead and you don’t even know it!

Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, he’s a madman.

[They start to leave]

Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.

Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What…our tea!?

[Back to book closing]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.

Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript!

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