Alice in Wonderland
Mad Hatter…..Steve Buscemi
Doctors…..Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan
[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]
Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Childrens Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.
Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party Ive ever been to.
Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course its absurd. Thats because were all mad, marvelously mad!
Alice: Youre all mad?
Rabbit: Well of course were all mad. Why, Im so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]
Rat: Im so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]
Mad Hatter: Hey, Im so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]
Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?
Mad Hatter: I said Im mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.
Rabbit: Oh yeah mad right. Well, Im so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.
Mad Hatter: Why Im so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.
Alice: That is horrible.
Mad Hatter: Whats wrong? Cant you handle a merry, whimsical madness?
Rabbit: No, Im with her, thats not mad, that is sick.
Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, were all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I dont see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]
Rat: You dont see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.
Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! Its Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!
Alice: Your friend is scaring me.
Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.
Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!
Rabbit: I think youd just better go.
Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We havent finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]
Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.
Rat: I thought this was Hey what are you doing under the table?
Rabbit: Oh my God hes having a fit!
Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, arent they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that hes not wearing pants. Does a little dance]
Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didnt hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]
Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, thats all.
Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, youre coming with us.
Mad Hatter: Youre all dead and you dont even know it!
Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, hes a madman.[They start to leave]
Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.
Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What our tea!?[Back to book closing]
Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.
Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript!