Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter…..Steve Buscemi
Alice…..Molly Shannon
Rabbit…..John Hurt
Rat…..Ana Gasteyer
Doctors…..Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan

Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Children’s Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.

[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]

Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party I’ve ever been to.

Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course it’s absurd. That’s because we’re all mad, marvelously mad!

Alice: You’re all mad?

Rabbit: Well of course we’re all mad. Why, I’m so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]

Rat: I’m so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]

Mad Hatter: Hey, I’m so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]

Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?

Mad Hatter: I said I’m mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.

Rabbit: Oh…yeah…mad…right. Well, I’m so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.

Mad Hatter: Why I’m so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.

Alice: That is horrible.

Mad Hatter: What’s wrong? Can’t you handle a merry, whimsical madness?

Rabbit: No, I’m with her, that’s not mad, that is sick.

Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, we’re all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I don’t see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]

Rat: You don’t see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.

Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! It’s Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!

Alice: Your friend is scaring me.

Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.

Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!

Rabbit: I think you’d just better go.

Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We haven’t finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]

Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.

Rat: I thought this was…Hey what are you doing under the table?

Rabbit: Oh my God…he’s having a fit!

Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, aren’t they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that he’s not wearing pants. Does a little dance]

Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didn’t hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]

Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, that’s all.

Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, you’re coming with us.

Mad Hatter: You’re all dead and you don’t even know it!

Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, he’s a madman.

[They start to leave]

Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.

Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What…our tea!?

[Back to book closing]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.

Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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