President Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Paula Jones…..Cheri Oteri
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Goat Boy…..Jim Breuer
Tim Meadows: Hello, I’m Tim Meadows, the star of Saturday Night Live. This week’s big news story was of course the dismissal of Paula Jones’s lawsuit against President Clinton. So we here at Saturday Night Live are facing a familiar quandary: how to satirize the president in a matter that is both insightful and hilarious. It’s very hard to do both in one sketch. So tonight, we’re trying to bold experiment: utilizing recent developments in digital band with technology, we here at NBC will be broadcasting multiple signals on one channel simultaneously. Tonight, for the first time, you the viewer, will be able to choose between two broadcast. On NBC 1 is noted political commentator and editor of Harper’s magazine, Lewis Lapham. [switches to NBC 1] He willprovide informed commentary and historical prospective on the Paula Jones’ suit.
Lewis Lapham: It’s a pleasure to be here.[switches to Tim Meadows]
Tim Meadows: Thank you. And on NBC 2, because we are free from our obligation to be intelligent, we have a top flight network comedy scene about Clinton’s dong.[Switches to NBC 2]
President Clinton: A lot of crazy stuff is about to go down.
Monica Lewinsky: You’re funny, Bill.
President Clinton: Ha-ha! Well honey, let’s just say that after that judge’s ruling, the big cat is ready to prowl again.
Tim Meadows: Well the choice is yours, America. And as always the entertainment is free, thanks to your friends at NBC. Enjoy.[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: Hello, America. The dynamics behind the Paula Jones case and the Clinton sexual allegations, operate on several levels. The first concerns an erosion of civic understanding…..[Fades with static to NBC 2]
Hillary Clinton: …..and just because you got off with this Paula Jones case, don’t think I wont be watching you!
President Clinton: Yes Hillary — I…I mean sir.[Hillary exits, as 0Monica pops out of one side of the desk]
Monica Lewinsky: We got off!! Woooo!
President Clinton: We’re going to have some fun! Yes sir![Paula Jones pops out of the other side of the desk]
Monica Lewinsky: Paula Jones! What are you doing here?!
Paula Jones: Well I figured if you can’t beat ’em, do ’em.
President Clinton: Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! See if Kathleen Willey is down there.
Paula Jones: [looks down] I see a willey, but its not named Kathleen!…..
Lewis Lapham: …..And while we focus on events that have no direct bearing on our lives, decisions being made behind closed doors, change the way we live. Decisions that criminalize the ordinary behavior of everyday life…..[Fades with static to NBC 2] [Monica Lewinsky, President Clinton, and Paula Jones are having a pillow fight]
President Clinton: …..This is gonna be the best sleep I’ve ever had in the oval office!
Paula Jones: But we only got one sleeping bag!
Janet Reno: All right, Billy boy, I heard you’re having a sleep over without me.[pillow fight stops]
President Clinton: Janet Reno. Hell, you’ll probably burn down the place.
Janet Reno: [To Monica] Hey, cute stuff.
Monica Lewinsky: Hey…..[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: …..And Clinton’s failure to take a strong stand to support for the campaign finance bill, wasn’t even reported by the mainstream media. Meanwhile the large corporations in our country, continue to exert under the influence…..[Fades with static to NBC 2] [President Clinton is smoking a cigarette, and all are covered from the head down with a blanket]
President Clinton: …..Damn, you’re good baby.[down the line…]
Monica Lewinsky: Thanks.
Paula Jones: Thanks.
Janet Reno: Thanks.
Goat Boy: Baaa-aaa-aa. Thanks.
Janet Reno: Goat boy let’s you get freaky in the sack.
Goat Boy: Baa-aaa…..
Lewis Lapham: …..Please, America. Stay with me for a second here. See, we continue to live in a society divided into two parts. Two social classes. One of them…..[Fades with static to NBC 2] [Everybody dancing to “Spice Girls” music]
Monica Lewinsky: ……Ooh, I wish that pizza would get here already.
President Clinton: Me too.[Knock on door]
President Clinton: Come in. Hello?
Oprah Winfrey: Hi! It’s Oprah Winfrey, and guess what, I ate all the pizza!
President Clinton: A woman after my own heart.
Oprah Winfrey: [Pushes Paula Jones away, and stands next to President Clinton] You fine thing, you. That ain’t the only thing I’m after.
President Clinton: Oo-ooh. Looks like I’m about to join Oprah’s Book Club…..[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: Good. You’re back. Now as I was saying. Hey, don’t change the…[Fades with static to NBC 2] [Oprah Winfrey is smoking a cigarette with President Clinton, and covered from the head down with a blanket; “Spice Girls” music still playing]
President Clinton: …..Damn Oprah, you can sure do more than talk.
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm. Honey, I am full of surprises.[Oprah Winfrey removes wig, and pulls out a knife]
President Clinton: O.J!!
O.J. Simpson: The juice is on the loose!!…..[Fades with static to NBC 1]
Lewis Lapham: …..I give up. I heard a good Clinton joke the other day. Clinton didn’t inhale when he and Lewinsky….did stuff. I-I can’t remember how it goes, but listen, what I am trying to say is simple. We have to challenge political power. Question the people who hold it, otherwise America can expect to do no better than…..[Fades with static to NBC 2]
President Clinton, Goat Boy, Janet Reno, Oprah Winfrey, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones: …..Live from New York, its’s Saturday Night!!!
Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!