Goth Talk


Goth Talk

Circe Nightshade…..Molly Shannon
Azrael Abyss…..Chris Kattan
Glen…..Jim Breuer
Mr. Fontain…..Steve Buscemi
Baron Nocturna…..Will Ferrell
Glen’s Date…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: Serving Florida’s Gulf Coast, you’re watching Channel 33, Sunshine State Cable Access.

[ Opening Titles ] [ Music Intro: “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, Bauhaus ] [ In the high school’s hallway]

Circe nightshade: Welcome to Goth Talk. I’m Circe Nightshade.

Azrael Abyss: And I’m Azreal Abyss. Prince of Sor-row.

Circe nightshade: Tonight! We are coming to you live from Sun Coast High School, were just down this hall, the pathetic day dwellers of the class of 1998 are celebrating the tawdry amusement known as… [ very sarcastic ] The Prom.

Azrael Abyss: Ehhh……..

Circe nightshade: But we, children of the night have something far more sinister planned.

Azrael Abyss: We have petitioned the dark forces of the student council.. To let us have our own…. Fearful…. Fiendish….

Circe & Azreal: Prom of Doom! [ walking next to the door that says Prom of Doom written on it ]

Azrael Abyss: Follow, Follow, Follow, if you dare.. [ Prom of Doom sign falls down and reveals the word Custodian underneath ] Never mind that.

Circe nightshade: Never mind. Come, Come. [ opens door and Circe and Azreal walk backward into the room ]

Azrael Abyss: Enter our solarium of the sinister….. Oh…… [ bumps foot ] Oh!

Circe nightshade: Come, Come, Come, Come….

[ The room is dark, full of candles and Goths with the boiler in the background ]

Azrael Abyss: Alright, It’s actually the boiler room, but it’s very evil. It’s hot and it smells like the sulfery fumes of hell.

Mr. Fontain: Yeah. Sorry about that kids. That’s the boiler. Ya know when it gets goin’, Uh, it really starts to smell like farts.

Circe nightshade: Uh, that’s the custodian, Mr. Fontain. He’s uh, kind of Goth.

Mr. Fontain: Uh ohhhh…..

Circe nightshade: Well anyway he’s really pasty.

Mr. Fontain: Oh. Just call me Tony. All the kids do. Tony Baloney that’s me! [ laughs ] I sleep down here sometimes.

Circe nightshade: Right

Mr. Fontain: Now don’t you kids worry about having your weird little party here because, hell, if I got busted for doin’ something’ weird down here… [ laughs ]

Azrael Abyss: All right, thank you! To-ny Ba-lo-ney!

Circe nightshade: Now, On to the Prom of Doom !!!!

Azrael Abyss: rawr pssts! This year’s theme song has been written by our shadowy kinsmen, Baron Nocturna. [ Points to Baron ] Baron! Please do tell us about the song-a.

Baron Nocturna: [ holding a Casio keyboard ]Well Azreal, It’s a cruel mockery of the recent Academy Award Winning Theme Song, from Titanic. I call it, My Heart Will Go On……. A PLATE!!!! [ pressing down on the keyboard making the sound of an organ ] [ Circe and Azreal look into the camera ]

Azrael Abyss: Ohhhhh…… I.. Don’t.. Get It.

Baron Nocturna: It will chill you to the marrow… and a 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. [presses button on the keyboard which plays Casio beats ] [ singing ] Near…. Far…. Wherever you are I will alwa [ interrupted ]

Circe nightshade: But, Baron Nocturna, that’s just the real song.

Baron Nocturna: But I haven’t gotten to the dark part yet, but when I do you may welsh stare into the void, of insanity [ resumes singing ] . Near…. Far…. Wherev.[ interrupted ]

Azrael Abyss: [ stops the music ] Ok that’s enough, Baron!

[Azreal and Circe walk to the side of the room and Mr. Fontain follows them ]

Circe nightshade: Oh great. Now what are we gonna do? We got no song now.

Mr. Fontain: Hmm… Hey, are you kids into pornos?

Azrael Abyss: How bout more music?

[ Azreal and Circe move to Baron and Azreal turns on the music]

Baron Nocturna: [ singing ] Near…. Far.. [ Glen and his date come in and he slams the door in Baron’s face in the process ]

Glen: Hey!!! Tony!! Baloney!! Did you score that beer

Azrael Abyss: [ pushing Glen ] Glen, go away, get awa..

Glen: Todd! [ shoving Azreal to the side ]

Azrael Abyss: Ahh!! Ohww!!

Glen’s Date: [ drunk ] Oh my god Glen, isn’t that your freak brother that works at Dunkin’ Donuts?

Glen: Yah, It’s him man.

Azrael Abyss: [ comes back up ] No, I work at Cinnabuns.

Glen: [ shoving Azreal ] Shut up Todd!!!

Azrael Abyss: Eh!!

Glen: Ya score that beer, Tony Balones?

Mr. Fontain: [ giving a case of beers to Glen ] Here ya go numb nuts.

Glen: Rollin Rock. You are the kid!

Mr. Fontain: All right look, that’s twelve beers that’ll be 50 bucks my man?

Glen: Oh sure man [ reaching in his pockets ] I got singles man, I got you covered. [ gives money to Mr. Fontain ] Huh, all right.

Mr. Fontain: What ever ya got.

Glen’s Date: [ diluted ]

Glen: Honey, I’m gonna hide this, in the crapper, ok? What out side babe. [ shove’s her out ]

Glen’s Date: K!!!

Mr. Fontain: I’m gonna help her wait [ walks out ]

Glen: [ walks further into the room and looks around ] You guys are so… Pa-thetic. Can I say that? I’m goin’ in the crapper, I’m gonna pounce the beer.

Azrael Abyss: [ sticks his toung out ] Ehhh!!!!

Glen: [ shoves Azreal down ] Shut up Todd.[ leaves ]

Circe nightshade: Glen?

Azrael Abyss: [ gets back up ] Ok. Moving on. Let’s go straight to our Prom of Doom Sacrifice…

Circe nightshade: Yes… The sacrifice when we like demons of hell, will burst into the Prom upstairs, and SPLATTER the dance floor with a bucket of pig’s blood. HA!!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!! HA!!

Azrael Abyss: Actually we don’t have any pig’s blood, cause I couldn’t find any.

Mr. Fontain: Hey I got pigs blood. I got all kinds of blood. How much ya need?

Azrael Abyss: All right, that’s all about the time we have…

Mr. Fontain: Heww… it’s hotter than a bastard down here. Ya all don’t mind if I take my pants of do you?

[ All the Goths are discussed ]

Circe nightshade: Ah!! Tony Baloney!!

Mr. Fontain: Don’t worry, I wearing und… [ surprised ] Oh, I guess I’m not. [ laughs ]

Baron Nocturna: Oh man, Tony Baloney’s naked. [ leaves ]

Azrael Abyss: Join us next week, until then stay out of the [ with Circe ] daylight. [ Mr. Fontain walks up to them ] Put your pants on!!

[ Ending Titles ]

Thanks to Brian for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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