Job Interview

Job Interview

Applicant…..Chris Kattan
Interviewer…..Steve Buscemi
Woman…..Natasha Henstridge

[ Applicant nervously enters Interviewer’s office ]

Applicant: Hi. I’m, uh.. here for the job interview?

Interviewer: [ puzzled ] Have a seat.

Applicant: Thanks. [ sits ] How you doing?

Interviewer: [ gruff ] I’m alright! [ awkward pause ] So, you want to work here?

Applicant: Well, yeah, of course! I’d love to work here! Are you, uh.. are you asking me a question?

Interviewer: What do you think?

Applicant: Well, yeah.. it sounds like you were askin me a question.

Interviewer: Well, you’re right. I was asking you a question. What did you think I was doing?

Applicant: I don’t know.

Interviewer: What did you think, I was making a joke?

Applicant: No.. no, I don’t.. I mean.. I-I didn’t..

Interviewer: Geez! Okay. Alrigh,t what is this? I can’t even read . what is your name here? Is it Joe..? John..?

Applicant: Michael.

Interviewer: Michael? It looks like John.

Applicant: It’s Michael.

Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! i’m just saying, the way you wrote it, it looks like John. Alright? [ ] Alright, what’s this? What does this say here? [ trying to read ] Yucca? Yucla? Yuc? Yucla? What?

Applicant: That’s, um.. that’s UCLA.

Interviewer: [ confused ] UCLA? What is that, some kind of club?

Applicant: No, it’s a college. Um.. I went there for four years.

Interviewer: I never heard of it! I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Why didn’t you go to Pepperdine?

Applicant: I don’t know.. I just didn’t.. I went to UCLA.

Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! I’m just saying, I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Is that alright with you? Is that alright that I’ve heard of it?!

Applicant: [ uneasy ] Of course.

Interviewer: You know, John.. it’s not all here. You know what I’m saying? Some of it’s here. [ ] Man! [ changing subject ] Are you married, John?

Applicant: Michael. No.

Interviewer: You got a girl?

Applicant: [ afraid to answer ] Yeah.. kind of.

Interviewer: And when’s the last time you had sex? I don’t mean with her – I mean with anybody.

Applicant: Well, uh.. a couple of weeks..

Interviewer: Yeah? I haven’t had sex in a while. Yeah, her name was, uh.. well, it was like a pet’s name. Something like Dash.. or.. Dasher.. Not like Dashhound, but.. Dash something. Dash.. Dashee.. Dash.. I don’t know. Anyway, she looked alright. She had a rod in her leg. She couldn’t dance. It sucked!

Applicant: [ not sure how to respond ] I’m sorry..

Interviewer: Yeah, what can you do? Alright, I’m not gonna hire you.

Applicant: [ outraged ] Why not?

Interviewer: Well, because I don’t like you. Imean, I’m getting this weird kind of vibe from you, you know? But if you want to continue the interview, we can.

Applicant: Why would I want to sit here and be interviewed, when I know I’m not gonna get the job?

Interviewer: I think you’re an interesting guy! We’ve got a lot in common! I mean, my name is also John.

Applicant: My name’s Michael! Michael! Not John! I’m gonna.. I’m gonna go..

Interviewer: Go?! Wha- Wait! What are you talking about?! I just told you I haven’t had sex in a long time, man! I just gave you a piece of me! And now, you just wanna bail?! You’ve gotta give me something, man! You gotta open up!

Applicant: Well.. what do you want to know..? I mean.. I don’t know what to tell you..

Interviewer: Something personal! Anything! I don’t care!

Applicant: [ thinking ] I don’t know.. I.. I’m allergic to cats..?

Interviewer: [ furious ] I tell you I haven’t had SEX in nine years!! And you tell me you’re allergic to CATS?! What the hell?! GET OUT!!

Applicant: What are you talking about?! I was gonna go! You asked me to stay here!

Interviewer: [ flip-flops ] Alright, you got the job!

Applicant: [ confused, but surprised ] I.. I do?

Interviewer: Yeah, man, it’s that simple. Congratulations!

Applicant: Thank you..

Interviewer: You start tomorrow.

Applicant: Okay!

Interviewer: You did great.

Applicant: Great!

Interviewer: See you tomorrow, buddy.

Applicant: Okay. Thanks!

Interviewer: Alright, be good, John. [ Applicant exits, as Woman enters ] You – come on in.

Woman: Yes!

Interviewer: Listen, I gotta tell you – I just gave that guy the job – but if you want to continue this interview, we can.

Woman: [ confused, but sits ] What?

Interviewer: Now.. when’s the last time you had sex, John?

[ zoom out ]

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