Job Interview


Job Interview

Applicant…..Chris Kattan
Interviewer…..Steve Buscemi
Woman…..Natasha Henstridge

[ Applicant nervously enters Interviewer’s office ]

Applicant: Hi. I’m, uh.. here for the job interview?

Interviewer: [ puzzled ] Have a seat.

Applicant: Thanks. [ sits ] How you doing?

Interviewer: [ gruff ] I’m alright! [ awkward pause ] So, you want to work here?

Applicant: Well, yeah, of course! I’d love to work here! Are you, uh.. are you asking me a question?

Interviewer: What do you think?

Applicant: Well, yeah.. it sounds like you were askin me a question.

Interviewer: Well, you’re right. I was asking you a question. What did you think I was doing?

Applicant: I don’t know.

Interviewer: What did you think, I was making a joke?

Applicant: No.. no, I don’t.. I mean.. I-I didn’t..

Interviewer: Geez! Okay. Alrigh,t what is this? I can’t even read . what is your name here? Is it Joe..? John..?

Applicant: Michael.

Interviewer: Michael? It looks like John.

Applicant: It’s Michael.

Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! i’m just saying, the way you wrote it, it looks like John. Alright? [ ] Alright, what’s this? What does this say here? [ trying to read ] Yucca? Yucla? Yuc? Yucla? What?

Applicant: That’s, um.. that’s UCLA.

Interviewer: [ confused ] UCLA? What is that, some kind of club?

Applicant: No, it’s a college. Um.. I went there for four years.

Interviewer: I never heard of it! I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Why didn’t you go to Pepperdine?

Applicant: I don’t know.. I just didn’t.. I went to UCLA.

Interviewer: Yeah, I know that now! I’m just saying, I’ve heard of Pepperdine! Is that alright with you? Is that alright that I’ve heard of it?!

Applicant: [ uneasy ] Of course.

Interviewer: You know, John.. it’s not all here. You know what I’m saying? Some of it’s here. [ ] Man! [ changing subject ] Are you married, John?

Applicant: Michael. No.

Interviewer: You got a girl?

Applicant: [ afraid to answer ] Yeah.. kind of.

Interviewer: And when’s the last time you had sex? I don’t mean with her – I mean with anybody.

Applicant: Well, uh.. a couple of weeks..

Interviewer: Yeah? I haven’t had sex in a while. Yeah, her name was, uh.. well, it was like a pet’s name. Something like Dash.. or.. Dasher.. Not like Dashhound, but.. Dash something. Dash.. Dashee.. Dash.. I don’t know. Anyway, she looked alright. She had a rod in her leg. She couldn’t dance. It sucked!

Applicant: [ not sure how to respond ] I’m sorry..

Interviewer: Yeah, what can you do? Alright, I’m not gonna hire you.

Applicant: [ outraged ] Why not?

Interviewer: Well, because I don’t like you. Imean, I’m getting this weird kind of vibe from you, you know? But if you want to continue the interview, we can.

Applicant: Why would I want to sit here and be interviewed, when I know I’m not gonna get the job?

Interviewer: I think you’re an interesting guy! We’ve got a lot in common! I mean, my name is also John.

Applicant: My name’s Michael! Michael! Not John! I’m gonna.. I’m gonna go..

Interviewer: Go?! Wha- Wait! What are you talking about?! I just told you I haven’t had sex in a long time, man! I just gave you a piece of me! And now, you just wanna bail?! You’ve gotta give me something, man! You gotta open up!

Applicant: Well.. what do you want to know..? I mean.. I don’t know what to tell you..

Interviewer: Something personal! Anything! I don’t care!

Applicant: [ thinking ] I don’t know.. I.. I’m allergic to cats..?

Interviewer: [ furious ] I tell you I haven’t had SEX in nine years!! And you tell me you’re allergic to CATS?! What the hell?! GET OUT!!

Applicant: What are you talking about?! I was gonna go! You asked me to stay here!

Interviewer: [ flip-flops ] Alright, you got the job!

Applicant: [ confused, but surprised ] I.. I do?

Interviewer: Yeah, man, it’s that simple. Congratulations!

Applicant: Thank you..

Interviewer: You start tomorrow.

Applicant: Okay!

Interviewer: You did great.

Applicant: Great!

Interviewer: See you tomorrow, buddy.

Applicant: Okay. Thanks!

Interviewer: Alright, be good, John. [ Applicant exits, as Woman enters ] You – come on in.

Woman: Yes!

Interviewer: Listen, I gotta tell you – I just gave that guy the job – but if you want to continue this interview, we can.

Woman: [ confused, but sits ] What?

Interviewer: Now.. when’s the last time you had sex, John?

[ zoom out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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