Judge Judy


Judge Judy…..Cheri Oteri
Burt the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Bebe Vanderhouse…..Ana Gasteyer
Leonard Haggerty…..Steve Buscemi
Announcer…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

Burt the Bailiff: Order, all rise.

Announcer: Bebe Vanderhouse is suing dance instructor Leonard Haggerty for the money she paid him for hip-hop style dance lessons.

Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 163. Vanderhouse vs. Haggerty. All parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: Burt, I see the goatee is back.

Burt the Bailiff: Well, I’m single again, Judge.

Judge Judy: Too bad I’m married again.

Burt the Bailiff: The judge is a flirt.

Judge Judy: Hey, its not a sin to look.

Burt the Bailiff: The judge is married, but she ain’t dead.

Judge Judy: All right, lets get down to business here. Now, Mrs. Vanderhouse, you took lessons from this gentleman. And you were not happy with the results, is that correct?

Bebe Vanderhouse: That is correct, your honor. You see, my daughter’s wedding was coming up, and I wanted to learn some of the moves, you know. The dance moves I’ve seen on the MTV. So I saw Mr. Haggerty’s ad-

Leonard Haggerty: [Interrupts] Uh, that would be “Bust A Move Inc.”, your honor.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! Hey, sir. I’ll grind the organ when I want the monkey to dance. Got it?!

Leonard Haggerty: o-okay.

Judge Judy: So madame, you had a problem with this man’s technique, is that correct?

Bebe Vanderhouse: He had no technique, your honor. I think he just made it up as he went along. I ended up looking like a horse’s ass.

Leonard Haggerty: Judge, she looked like a horse’s ass even before I showed up.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! Bup, bup! Hey! Listen bo-jangles, you do not want me to come over there!

Burt the Bailiff: You do not want that.

Judge Judy: Now continue, madame.

Bebe Vanderhouse: Well, first of all, when he arrived at my home, he asked me to take off my bra. Insisting that I would be a better dancer if I free up my rack.

Leonard Haggerty: The rack and the ass need to work with the feet, your honor.

Judge Judy: Ok sir look! I’m getting up [puts leg on bench]. Look! see that? I’m coming! Okay it’s on the bench!

Burt the Bailiff: [points at leg] Here comes the leg.

Judge Judy: You do not want me to come over there, sir. Okay. Interrupt again, and you’ll be dancing with the nutcracker [taps gavel on gavel platform]. Yeah, just put them right here they’ll fit. All right, now Mr.Haggerty sir, what are your qualifications as a dance instructor?

Leonard Haggerty: Well, right off the bat I can tell you right off the bat I’ve been to a lot of dance clubs. Which is printed here on my resume.

Judge Judy: Oh, I gotta see this.

Burt the Bailiff: She got to see this [grabs resume].

Leonard Haggerty: My foster mother told me there were two things I did good. Number one, Lying. Fifth, dancing. Now I started break dancing when I was only 29. By 32, I was free-styling, and at 37 I got into hip-hopping and never looked back.

Judge Judy: Sir, it says nothing here about any formal training. Where exactly did you study, tommy-tune?

Leonard Haggerty: [hesitant] At the, uh…..U.S.?

Judge Judy: Okay. Sir, you do not have a leg warmer to stand on.

Leonard Haggerty: All right, all right. Your honor, I admit it. I didn’t take any high-class classes, but the proof is in the pudding…in my feet. You with me?

Judge Judy: You last me at the off ramp.

Burt the Bailiff: He’s not in the rearview mirror.

Leonard Haggerty: Okay. Your honor, if you would just educe me for a minute, so I can demonstrate my special gift.

Bebe Vanderhouse: Great, why don’t you show the white tornado?

Leonard Haggerty: Shut up, I was gonna show her that.

Bebe Vanderhouse: Don’t you tell me to shut up!

Judge Judy: All right.

Leonard Haggerty: First I gotta warm up with some free styling. [hip-hop music plays, Mr. Haggerty starts dancing] Here we go. All right. Everybody feel it? Okay, and one-two. Here comes the tornado! [dancing] Everybody say he-ey!

Burt the Bailiff: [throws hands up] He-ey!

Judge Judy: Burt!

Burt the Bailiff: [hands down] No-oo.

Leonard Haggerty: Your honor, I am gonna free-style right now into the rug baby bumper. Here we go! [music still playing] Everyboday say he-ey!

Judge Judy: Okay, sir, bup bup!! No. The club is closing, sir! The club is full.

Leonard Haggerty: Wait judge, please. I got a killer groove I’m gonna bust out just for you, all right? Here we go. [takes off jacket and swings it with music playing] Everybody say he-ey!

Audience: He-ey!

Leonard Haggerty: He-ey!

Audience: He-ey!

Leonard Haggerty: Everybody say hey.

Judge Judy: Okay. [Imitates Mr. Haggerty] Everybody’s seen enough! Everybody’s seen enough! [music stops] All right, I’m ready to rule!

Burt the Bailiff: She’s ready to rule!

Judge Judy: Mr. Haggerty, you may not be aware of this, but I was a regular at Studio 54 in the 70’s. Myself, Halston, Liza, we all hung out. So no one is gonna pull the dance skin over these eyes, got it? So I’m gonna tell you something, sir. Something that I know. You……..can dance!

Leonard Haggerty: Yesss!

Judge Judy: Not only do you cut a rug, you weave it and then you shake it out the door.

Bebe Vanderhouse: What the hell?!

Judge Judy: Hey, hey! Bup, bup! Madame! Madame! Okay, okay I’m gonna tell you to shut that wood chopping accident you call a mouth!

Bebe Vanderhouse: I went to Vassar!

Judge Judy: Simply put madame, simply put! You are ignorant, you are a liar ma’am, and you’re a whore.

Bebe Vanderhouse: My god! My god!

Judge Judy: The court rules in favor of the defendant! Burt, hose her down!

Bebe Vanderhouse: I don’t believe this, this is ridiculous!

Judge Judy: You sir, press play, because I wanna see more of this dancing.

[Mr. Haggerty presses play, hip-hop music starts, and he dances] [fade out]

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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20 days ago

this was sooo good! cant wait for next weeks! love, a loyal judge judy reader!

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