Morning Latte


Morning Latte

Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Alphie Nye…..Steve Buscemi
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
…..Didi Conn

Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte.”

Tom Wilkins: [Both laughing] Oh, that’s very funny. Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins.

Cass van Rye: Oh! And I’m Cass Van Rye. Yeah! yes. Hey, how about this warm weather?

Tom Wilkins: Wow. It’s been warm.

Cass van Rye: Spring has Sprung!

Tom Wilkins: Spring has Sprung!

Cass van Rye: Yes! It has, and it’s been unusually warm.

Tom Wilkins: Yes it is, yes.

Cass van Rye: Hey just the other day, I – I put on an extra swipe of Lady’s Speed Stick, and I still stunk to high heaven.

Tom Wilkins: Wow. You still stink right now.

Cass van Rye: Really? [smells arm pits]

Tom Wilkins: Yea.

Cass van Rye: That’s right.

Tom Wilkins: You’re right. It is warm. It is warm. I have to say I know hundreds of people have died, but God bless El Nino.

Cass van Rye: God bless El Nino, yes. Because it made things beautiful. This cup is half full! [laughing]

Tom Wilkins: Cass, you know what they say about march. It comes in like a lion, –

Cass van Rye: – and out like a bird.

Tom Wilkins: Out like a lamb.

Cass van Rye: Out like a lamb. Meow. Meow. Meow. [ Imitates cat with hands]

Tom Wilkins: [Confused] Okay. So…uh…Cass what did you do Oscar night?

Cass van Rye: Oh, Oscar night. Eli and I went to an Oscar party thrown by my best friend in the whole wide world, Markie Post.

Tom Wilkins: Markie Post. Yes.

Cass van Rye: Well, I’ll tell you Tom, everybody was there. Everybody! Sandy Duncan was there. David Soul dropped by. Screech from Saved by the Bell was there.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh Screech, I love screech.

Cass van Rye: It was a good time.

Tom Wilkins: Well after seeing “Titanic,” I did not want to see any of the other movies nominated.

Cass van Rye: No.

Tom Wilkins: No.

Cass van Rye: But I will have to say that I did enjoy the film about the genius janitor, uh “Good Will Hunting.” But Robin Williams was not funny.

Tom Wilkins: No?

Cass van Rye: No. He was off his game.

Tom Wilkins: I’ve been hearing that from a lot of people. I’ve been hearing that. “Titanic” is clearly the best.

Cass van Rye: Viva la Cameron! Viva la Cameron!

Tom Wilkins: Viva la Cameron!

Cass van Rye: Case closed, case closed!

Tom Wilkins: Close it up!

Cass van Rye: Case closed!

Tom Wilkins: Close it up!…Well if that doesn’t get you going, our next segment will. What’s the word Cass?

Both: Grease!

Cass van Rye: Grease is the word, and it is back in theaters, and that is cool by this pink lady. [fake laugh]

Tom Wilkins: Our guest today calls himself the #1 fan of the 20 year-old phenomenon that we call “Grease”. He’s seen it over 5,000 times. Let’s bring out the coolest T-Bird around, Mr. Alphie Nye.

[Both laughing]

Cass van Rye: That’s fun. Welcome Alphie.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Alphie Nye: Thanks. Well, it’s definitely great to be here, because…[signing]we go together, like a ramalamalama kidi-kidi ding-dong.[laughing]Cass van Rye: What fun!Tom Wilkins: That’s fun!Alphie Nye: I’m really pumped to be here, celebrating the re-release of thegreatest movie musical of all time, “Grease.”Cass van Rye: Yes. Now Alphie, tell us something about grease that we wouldn’tknow.Tom Wilkins: Yeah.Alphie Nye: Okay, I thought you’d never ask. I just happen to have here, Frenchey’s Grease scrapbook. By my favorite cast member Ms. Didi Conn. Now this is interesting – few people know that Stockard Channing was not the original choice for the role if Rizzo.

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Really!

Cass van Rye: What?!

Tom Wilkins: Really!

Cass van Rye: WHAT?!

Tom Wilkins: Really!

Alphie Nye: No. Actually the first choice for the role of Rizzo was the Hispanic entertainer Charro.

Cass van Rye: Charro.

Tom Wilkins: Charro.

Cass van Rye: OH, Charro, Tom. [Imitates Charro] Coochie, coochie. Coochie, coochie.

Tom Wilkins: OH, she’s a talented gal.

Cass van Rye: She is.

Tom Wilkins: But she never bothered to learn “our” language.

Cass van Rye: No, she didn’t.

Alphie Nye: And the T-birds were originally called the Pelicans.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, that’s odd.

Cass van Rye: I don’t like the way that hits my ear.

Tom Wilkins: That’s odd.

Alphie Nye: Everybody knows that Danny Zuko Would have flipped his lid if someone would have called him a pelican…Damn it!

Cass van Rye: Well, you know, I took my two nieces to Grease on opening weekend.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, did your husband Eli go?

Cass van Rye: No, we separated….but my nieces had a blast.

Tom Wilkins: Now you took your nieces, because you can’t kids of you own.

Cass van Rye: No. That’s right, I cannot get pregnant. Yes. Because you see, my uterus, is collapsed and inside out.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, Alphie. Alphie, it’s collapsed…and inside out. There’s nothing coming out of here [points at Cass’ stomach]

Cass van Rye: [Points at her stomach] No. No. There are no buns in this oven. No buns.

Tom Wilkins: No buns.

Cass van Rye: This bakery is closed!

Tom Wilkins: The bakery is closed!

Cass van Rye: Bakery is closed!

Tom Wilkins: Forget it. No day old bread here.

Cass van Rye: No. [Grabs Alphie’s hand] Here, feel my uterus. There’s nothing there.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah. It’s collapsed. It’s collapsed.

Alphie Nye: I am no gynecologist, but I’m a Grease-ologist, who was born to do the hand jive.

[Alphie stands up and demonstrates hand jive as music plays]

Tom Wilkins: I love that.

[Cass stands up and tries to do hand jive]

Cass van Rye: I want to do that! How do you do that? I can’t!

Tom Wilkins: I can’t do that!

Cass van Rye: I can’t!

Tom Wilkins: Oh that’s terrible!

Cass van Rye: I can’t! That’s – what a hoot!

[All sit down]

Alphie Nye: I just was born to hand jive!

Cass van Rye: What a hoot!

Tom Wilkins: Well, I just love the dancing in that movie, but I do not care for the music.

Cass van Rye: No. No. Well, everyone knows that the songs were the worst part. Worst part of “Grease.”

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, there just bad —

Alphie Nye: Woah, woah! What are you talking about? The soundtrack has sold like a zillion copies. The songs…are classics.

Cass van Rye: Well, you know what, I think you are gonna get a kick out of next classic that we have. A little surprise for you. Everybody, the legendary Didi Conn!

Tom Wilkins: Didi!

Alphie Nye: I cant believe it! Didi! Didi Conn!

[Alphie takes off “T-Bird” jacket and reveals “Pink Ladies” jacket]

Didi Conn: I love you guys.

Alphie Nye: I’m a huge fan, I’m looking at Frenchey!

Didi Conn: [To Tom and Cass] I love you guys.

Cass van Rye: Aww, you love us? We love you! Stop it.

Tom Wilkins: Didi, how great were you in Benson? Do we have a clip?

Didi Conn: Oh, I wish I brought one.

Cass van Rye: Oh.

Didi Conn: Did you like that episode when I gave birth to little Petey in the elevator?

Alphie Nye: Who the hell is Petey?

Cass van Rye: You know, I loved you in “You Light Up my Life.”

Tom Wilkins: Oh what a tearjerker, what a tearjerker.

Cass van Rye: Oh I’ll never forget that.

Alphie Nye: [Frustrated] What’s your problem? This is Frenchy for God’s sakes.

Cass van Rye: Hey. How is Robert Guillaume? Bobby Guillaume. How is he?

Didi Conn: He’s great! I just saw him in “Lamb Chop’s Passover.” He was great.

Cass van Rye: He’s a fun guy, I like him.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, all the appearances.

Cass van Rye: Oh, all the appearances on Love Boat, this one.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Cass van Rye: All the appearances on Love Boat. This one –

Alphie Nye: [Explodes] Love boat!! come on!! She’s the beauty school dropout from “Grease,” you stupid bitch!!! I’m gonna go blow my brains out!1 I finally get to meet Frenchy, and you’re talking about “Love Boat!!”

[moment of silence]

Tom Wilkins: [happy again] Well be right back everybody!

Cass van Rye: Didi Conn!

Tom Wilkins: With Didi Conn!

Cass van Rye: How about it!

Tom Wilkins: How about it!

[Didi and Cass hug, Logo appears on screen] [fade out]

Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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