Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Alphie Nye…..Steve Buscemi
Announcer: Good morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with “Morning Latte.”
Tom Wilkins: [Both laughing] Oh, that’s very funny. Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins.
Cass van Rye: Oh! And I’m Cass Van Rye. Yeah! yes. Hey, how about this warm weather?
Tom Wilkins: Wow. It’s been warm.
Cass van Rye: Spring has Sprung!
Tom Wilkins: Spring has Sprung!
Cass van Rye: Yes! It has, and it’s been unusually warm.
Tom Wilkins: Yes it is, yes.
Cass van Rye: Hey just the other day, I – I put on an extra swipe of Lady’s Speed Stick, and I still stunk to high heaven.
Tom Wilkins: Wow. You still stink right now.
Cass van Rye: Really? [smells arm pits]
Tom Wilkins: Yea.
Cass van Rye: That’s right.
Tom Wilkins: You’re right. It is warm. It is warm. I have to say I know hundreds of people have died, but God bless El Nino.
Cass van Rye: God bless El Nino, yes. Because it made things beautiful. This cup is half full! [laughing]
Tom Wilkins: Cass, you know what they say about march. It comes in like a lion, –
Cass van Rye: – and out like a bird.
Tom Wilkins: Out like a lamb.
Cass van Rye: Out like a lamb. Meow. Meow. Meow. [ Imitates cat with hands]
Tom Wilkins: [Confused] Okay. So…uh…Cass what did you do Oscar night?
Cass van Rye: Oh, Oscar night. Eli and I went to an Oscar party thrown by my best friend in the whole wide world, Markie Post.
Tom Wilkins: Markie Post. Yes.
Cass van Rye: Well, I’ll tell you Tom, everybody was there. Everybody! Sandy Duncan was there. David Soul dropped by. Screech from Saved by the Bell was there.
Tom Wilkins: Ooh Screech, I love screech.
Cass van Rye: It was a good time.
Tom Wilkins: Well after seeing “Titanic,” I did not want to see any of the other movies nominated.
Cass van Rye: No.
Tom Wilkins: No.
Cass van Rye: But I will have to say that I did enjoy the film about the genius janitor, uh “Good Will Hunting.” But Robin Williams was not funny.
Tom Wilkins: No?
Cass van Rye: No. He was off his game.
Tom Wilkins: I’ve been hearing that from a lot of people. I’ve been hearing that. “Titanic” is clearly the best.
Cass van Rye: Viva la Cameron! Viva la Cameron!
Tom Wilkins: Viva la Cameron!
Cass van Rye: Case closed, case closed!
Tom Wilkins: Close it up!
Cass van Rye: Case closed!
Tom Wilkins: Close it up!…Well if that doesn’t get you going, our next segment will. What’s the word Cass?
Cass van Rye: Grease is the word, and it is back in theaters, and that is cool by this pink lady. [fake laugh]
Tom Wilkins: Our guest today calls himself the #1 fan of the 20 year-old phenomenon that we call “Grease”. He’s seen it over 5,000 times. Let’s bring out the coolest T-Bird around, Mr. Alphie Nye.[Both laughing]
Cass van Rye: That’s fun. Welcome Alphie.
Tom Wilkins: Yes.
Alphie Nye: Thanks. Well, it’s definitely great to be here, because…[signing]we go together, like a ramalamalama kidi-kidi ding-dong.[laughing]Cass van Rye: What fun!Tom Wilkins: That’s fun!Alphie Nye: I’m really pumped to be here, celebrating the re-release of thegreatest movie musical of all time, “Grease.”Cass van Rye: Yes. Now Alphie, tell us something about grease that we wouldn’tknow.Tom Wilkins: Yeah.Alphie Nye: Okay, I thought you’d never ask. I just happen to have here, Frenchey’s Grease scrapbook. By my favorite cast member Ms. Didi Conn. Now this is interesting – few people know that Stockard Channing was not the original choice for the role if Rizzo.
Cass van Rye: What?!
Tom Wilkins: Really!
Cass van Rye: What?!
Tom Wilkins: Really!
Cass van Rye: WHAT?!
Tom Wilkins: Really!
Alphie Nye: No. Actually the first choice for the role of Rizzo was the Hispanic entertainer Charro.
Cass van Rye: Charro.
Tom Wilkins: Charro.
Cass van Rye: OH, Charro, Tom. [Imitates Charro] Coochie, coochie. Coochie, coochie.
Tom Wilkins: OH, she’s a talented gal.
Cass van Rye: She is.
Tom Wilkins: But she never bothered to learn “our” language.
Cass van Rye: No, she didn’t.
Alphie Nye: And the T-birds were originally called the Pelicans.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, that’s odd.
Cass van Rye: I don’t like the way that hits my ear.
Tom Wilkins: That’s odd.
Alphie Nye: Everybody knows that Danny Zuko Would have flipped his lid if someone would have called him a pelican…Damn it!
Cass van Rye: Well, you know, I took my two nieces to Grease on opening weekend.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, did your husband Eli go?
Cass van Rye: No, we separated….but my nieces had a blast.
Tom Wilkins: Now you took your nieces, because you can’t kids of you own.
Cass van Rye: No. That’s right, I cannot get pregnant. Yes. Because you see, my uterus, is collapsed and inside out.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, Alphie. Alphie, it’s collapsed…and inside out. There’s nothing coming out of here [points at Cass’ stomach]
Cass van Rye: [Points at her stomach] No. No. There are no buns in this oven. No buns.
Tom Wilkins: No buns.
Cass van Rye: This bakery is closed!
Tom Wilkins: The bakery is closed!
Cass van Rye: Bakery is closed!
Tom Wilkins: Forget it. No day old bread here.
Cass van Rye: No. [Grabs Alphie’s hand] Here, feel my uterus. There’s nothing there.
Tom Wilkins: Yeah. It’s collapsed. It’s collapsed.
Alphie Nye: I am no gynecologist, but I’m a Grease-ologist, who was born to do the hand jive.[Alphie stands up and demonstrates hand jive as music plays]
Tom Wilkins: I love that.[Cass stands up and tries to do hand jive]
Cass van Rye: I want to do that! How do you do that? I can’t!
Tom Wilkins: I can’t do that!
Cass van Rye: I can’t!
Tom Wilkins: Oh that’s terrible!
Cass van Rye: I can’t! That’s – what a hoot![All sit down]
Alphie Nye: I just was born to hand jive!
Cass van Rye: What a hoot!
Tom Wilkins: Well, I just love the dancing in that movie, but I do not care for the music.
Cass van Rye: No. No. Well, everyone knows that the songs were the worst part. Worst part of “Grease.”
Tom Wilkins: Yeah, there just bad —
Alphie Nye: Woah, woah! What are you talking about? The soundtrack has sold like a zillion copies. The songs…are classics.
Cass van Rye: Well, you know what, I think you are gonna get a kick out of next classic that we have. A little surprise for you. Everybody, the legendary Didi Conn!
Tom Wilkins: Didi!
Alphie Nye: I cant believe it! Didi! Didi Conn![Alphie takes off “T-Bird” jacket and reveals “Pink Ladies” jacket]
Didi Conn: I love you guys.
Alphie Nye: I’m a huge fan, I’m looking at Frenchey!
Didi Conn: [To Tom and Cass] I love you guys.
Cass van Rye: Aww, you love us? We love you! Stop it.
Tom Wilkins: Didi, how great were you in Benson? Do we have a clip?
Didi Conn: Oh, I wish I brought one.
Cass van Rye: Oh.
Didi Conn: Did you like that episode when I gave birth to little Petey in the elevator?
Alphie Nye: Who the hell is Petey?
Cass van Rye: You know, I loved you in “You Light Up my Life.”
Tom Wilkins: Oh what a tearjerker, what a tearjerker.
Cass van Rye: Oh I’ll never forget that.
Alphie Nye: [Frustrated] What’s your problem? This is Frenchy for God’s sakes.
Cass van Rye: Hey. How is Robert Guillaume? Bobby Guillaume. How is he?
Didi Conn: He’s great! I just saw him in “Lamb Chop’s Passover.” He was great.
Cass van Rye: He’s a fun guy, I like him.
Tom Wilkins: Oh, all the appearances.
Cass van Rye: Oh, all the appearances on Love Boat, this one.
Tom Wilkins: Yes.
Cass van Rye: All the appearances on Love Boat. This one –
Alphie Nye: [Explodes] Love boat!! come on!! She’s the beauty school dropout from “Grease,” you stupid bitch!!! I’m gonna go blow my brains out!1 I finally get to meet Frenchy, and you’re talking about “Love Boat!!”[moment of silence]
Tom Wilkins: [happy again] Well be right back everybody!
Cass van Rye: Didi Conn!
Tom Wilkins: With Didi Conn!
Cass van Rye: How about it!
Tom Wilkins: How about it![Didi and Cass hug, Logo appears on screen] [fade out]
Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!