The Celine Dion Show
Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Shania Twain…..Molly Shannon
Mariah Carey…..Cheri Oteri
Gloria Estefan…..Matthew Broderick
Celine Dion Voiceover: Eh, I am French-Canadian, I am really skinny, and guess what: I am the best singer in the world! Welcome to my show!
Celine Dion: Okay! It’s time to bring my next guests out. They are my beautiful, best friends, from my VH-1 Diva concert! Please welcome country music sensation, Shanna Twain! Oh, Shanna! [ Shania Twain steps out ] The magnificant Mariah Carey! Mariah! [ Mariah Carey steps out ] And, the Cuban dynamo, Gloria Estefan! Gloria! [ Gloria Estefan steps out ] Oh! Oh, girl, it was so nice to have you on VH- Diva Live, when I blew the roof off the mother!
You look very good for a woman who has had a bus accident, and a boat accident!
Gloria Estefan: Thanks.
Celine Dion: Would you do me the honor of singing me one of your best song now?
Gloria Estefan: No. [ shakes head ]
Celine Dion: Please?
Gloria Estefan: no, no, no. Look, I know what you’re gonna do, okay? I’m gonna start to sing, and then you’re gonna get up and act like an ass, and drown me out.
Celine Dion: No.. Oh, no, Gloria, I won’t, I swear to my God! Please, do not deprive this lovely audience of your beautiful gift.
Gloria Estefan: [ suckered in ] Alright. [ stands and sings “Conga” ]“Come on, shake your body baby,
do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer!”
Celine Dion: [ singing ]“I know you can’t control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
Ole! Ole! Ole!”
[ stops suddenly ] Oh. Oh. Get the rhythm of the beat.
Gloria Estefan: Hey, Celine! You promised!
Celine Dion: Oh, I’m so sorry! If I wasn’t such a nice person, I’d think I was a showoff!
Gloria Estefan: You’re a freak!
Shania Twain: Yea-ah. You know, you’re crazy, Celine!
Mariah Carey: Yeah, you know what? I don’t have to take this – I’m going out with a Yankee shortshop. [ shakes her booty, and exits stage, Shania and Gloria follow ]
Celine Dion: Please! Don’t be jealous of me! [ piano music plays, lights dim ] I wasn’t always this lucky. There was a time when I had so many ear infections, the kid in the town would call me “Ugly, Retarded Girl”! But now, I am the best singer in the world. And now I will sing the best song in the world! [ stands and sings ]
“Once more, you opened the do-oo-oo-oorr!”
Note: This sketch was transcribed, by request, from the VH-1 SNL Music Anniversary Special, which was greatly edited. If anyone has this sketch on tape and could provide the rest of the dialogue, please e-mail me at patricklonergan@hotmail.com. Thanks!
