Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn![dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Ohh ho! Thank you, folks! Thank alle! Thank ah! I’m Colin Quinn.
Okay, now I’ve been thinking about Clinton all week. Did you see the press conference on Thursday or Wednesday, whenever? He said that even though he has the power to fire Kenneth Starr, he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to abuse his power as President. Now do think that’s noble? Bill! They’re attacking your friends–stand up and do something! People want to see movie stars live in mansions, people want to see rock stars get laid, and people want to see the President destroy people that mess with him! It’s executive privilege! It’s one of the perks. It’s like stealing from work. If you work in a bakery, you take home a couple of loaves of bread every once in a while. If you work on Wall Street, they claim a night of drinking and going to strip clubs as a business expense. They go to the guy in accounting, “Hey, I never got reimbursed for that half a gram I did with the guy from Microsoft,” you know? Everybody here steals. You know, at our office, we take bottles of, uh, Poland Spring Water, or we make the show pay for movies and CDs for “research” for a sketch that just happens to end up in our personal collection. Is it moral? Maybe not. Is it stealing from Lorne? He can afford it. All right? I’ve stolen from him. He knows we steal from him, he’s the boss. He sees me, “Hi, Lorne.” “Hi, Colin.” He knows it’s the game. I think he knows. I hope he knows. I was just kidding, anyway. I wouldn’t really…steal. I was gonna write a sketch about that Clapton box set, I swear. The point is, President Clinton, people respe – don’t respect that you won’t fight back. Did you ever get beat up as a kid, Bill? Did the bully ever stop because you wouldn’t fight back? Have you noticed we never had an Amish president? Why do you think that is?
All right, this week, Koko, a gorilla who understands sign language, answered questions on America Online. When asked if she liked bananas, Koko replied, “Hey, that’s real funny. It’s too bad you’re not here so I could rip your arms off.”
A new study has revealed that people who exercise regularly throughout their life are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s Disease. That means that someday Joe Piscopo might be the only person who remembers who he was.
Monica Lewinsky and her attorney, William Ginsburg, were turned away from L.A.’s posh Palm Restaurant because they didn’t have reservations. Monica was overheard to say, “Hey, who do you have to blow to get a table around here?” [cheers and applause]…Aah! Come on, folks! Ah!
This week, the state of Israel celebrated its 50th birthday. Apparently it went out to dinner at a place where the service is terrible, had the fish that was too salty, and got stuck at the table under the air conditioning.
This week, Palestinian officials announced that a new airport on the Gaza Strip will be named as the guy who used to blow up airports, Yasser Arafat. That’s kinda like putting the Unabomber on a postage stamp. [applause and cheers]
Now, James Earl Ray’s family wants to hold his funeral at a black church in Memphis, Tennessee, the city where Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed. Meanwhile, Sirhan Sirhan has requested to serve out the remainder of his sentence at the Kennedy compound.
Lenoria Walker, Houston’s director of affirmative action, has resigned after referring to a city councilman as a midget, instead of using the correct term, which is “dwarf.” Said Walker, “I guess I have a lot to learn about sensitivity. So it’s…hi-ho, hi-ho, away from work I go.”
Moammar Qaddafi’s new book, Escape to Hell and Other Stories was released in America this week. This is expected to do even better than the last book by a Middle Eastern strongman, Saddam Hussein’s All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned by Gassing My Own People.
It’s been reported that supermodel Claudia Schiffer is worth over 34 million dollars. Commenting on this, Schiffer said, “Wow, really? Now even I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with David Copperfield.” [some applause]
And in response to reports that the guests on “The Jerry Springer Show” are fake, a defensive Springer points out that the millions of idiots who watch “The Jerry Springer Show” are real.
I’m Colin Quinn, that is my story, and I’m sticking to it! Thank you! Thank you.[fade to black]