97t: David Duchovny / Puff Daddy with Jimmy Page


Husband…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Molly Shannon
Thief…..Chris Kattan

[open on crowded North African marketplace, with a man cooking chicken in a pot]

Husband: [voice over] We planned and saved for our trip to North Africa for almost two years. [husband and wife walk together in marketplace] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]

Wife: It was supposed to be our dream vacation, but it almost turned into a nightmare.

Husband: Someone stole our traveler’s checks.

[dissolve to marketplace, with husband and wife checking their pockets and bags]

Wife: I never thought it could happen to us. We didn’t know what to do.

[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of curtain]

Husband: Fortunately, we had Interbank Travelers’s Checks. And Interbank does more than just refund your money.

Wife: That’s because Interbank vows [dissolve to marketplace, with black jeep pulling up and thief fleeing from the scene] to find out who stole your checks and hunt them down like animals.

[dissolve to close-up of husband sitting in front of curtain]

Husband: Like filthy, dirty animals. That’s the Interbank difference. [dissolve to marketplace, with armed men pursuing the thief, discarging their weapons, pinning thief to the ground, and dragging him away] See, I don’t care how Interbank’s secret police get things done. I just care that they get things done. For us.

Wife: And that gives me peace of mind.

Husband: Peace of mind that lets us relax and enjoy our vacation.

[dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]

Wife: Plus, because we’d enrolled in their Premiere Membership program, [dissolve to ramshackle shelter, with armed men breaking down door] Interbank also hunted down friends and relatives of the guy who had stolen our money, dragged them from their beds in the middle of the night, and set fire to their homes. [armed men drag several sleeping people from bed and set fire to the shelter] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain]

Husband: Sure, some of Interbank’s methods aren’t exactly legal… [dissolve to a man (possibly thief), bound in a chair and with a white hood pulled over his head, while one man prepares electrodes and a control box while another man hits the bound man on the back of the head] [dissolve to husband and wife sitting in front of a grey curtain] …but, thanks, Interbank.

[a man dressed like the armed Interbank agents enters the shot and is seen only from the neck down as he places his left hand ominously on the wife’s shoulder] [dissolve to black screen with spinning orange Earth graphic, which freezes as a black-gloved hand curves around the globe and clamps onto it with a secure “clang” sound, and a yellow rectangle appears with red lettering: “Interbank”] [voice over: “Interbank Traveler’s Checks. Security. Confidence. Payback.”]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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