Dale Heavener…..David Duchovney
Cheerleader #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Cheerleader #2…..Molly Shannon
Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who havent taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, Im Dale Heavener…the Heavenater and Id like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because were ready to pump up the jam!
Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo…not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves Pep Daddy!
(Audience screams and applauds)
Craig and Arianna:
All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt,
Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY!
Youre butt ugly!
We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf
People say youre so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!
Arianna: Hey! Whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Craig: Its me! Its me!
Arianna: I said whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Craig: Its me! Its me!
Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Arianna: Come on guys! Its not just for strippers anymore!
Craig: Thats right!
(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)
Dale: Sorry about that…you guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.
(All three do kicks)
Dale: Okay settle, settle. Lets find out more about Craig and Arianna.
Arianna: Okay..uh..um…my name is Arianna and Im just like Mary Tyler Moore except I dont have a Jewish friend. Um, Im coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident Im still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)
Dale: Okay, sex can wait!
All Three: masterbate!
Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?
Craig: Well Im a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus Im afraid of water sports.
Dale: Uh-oh, someones afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?
Craig: Guilty as charged
Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!
Craig: Dinner plates. No.
(All three jumping and kicking)
Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?
Craig & Arianna: Alright!
The Spartans hate to brag but were a real hum-dinger
Were gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer
I say who you talkin to, who you talkin to, who you talkin toUh!
I am a hooker
I aint got no teeth
I killed my husband
With a Christmas wreath
I say who you talkin to
Who you talkin to
Who you talkin to
Im a transvestite
Whos stealing drugs
Cause my redneck daddy
Never gave me hugs
I say who you talkin to!
Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!
Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craigs hand)
Announcer: For creativity…0.3
Craig and Arianna: Yes!
Announcer: For athleticism…0.6
Announcer: For difficulty…0.0
Craig and Arianna: Awww!
Announcer: For lameness..10
Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!
Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!
Dale: Listen guys, Ive been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, shes a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.
(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)
Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.
Craig and Arianna: Yes?
Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.
Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, two…you guys are both disqualified.
Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?
Dale: Hey if you dont mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, Id be glad to join your squad.
Craig: Thanks Dale but thats only three. We need four to compete.
(Sound of a helicopter off camera)
Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think its Rosie Perez!
Craig: No, I think its Debbie Allen!
Dale: If its who I think it is Im gonna saturate my speedo.
(Paula Abdul walks over)
All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!
Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! Youre my goddess! Can I brush your hair?
Paula: No Dale.
Dale: Okay is that because Im your coworker?
Paula: No, its because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Dale: Oh yes, not good.
Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.
Dale: Oh, its Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!
Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)
Paula: Actually Im here to collect your registration fees.
Paula: Oh, and Ill be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!
(All four dance to Play that Funky Music White Boy. Awesome dance.)
Thanks to Jenni C. for this transcript!