Spartan Cheerleaders


Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Dale Heavener…..David Duchovney
Cheerleader #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Cheerleader #2…..Molly Shannon
…..Paula Abdul

Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who haven’t taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, I’m Dale Heavener…”the Heavenater” and I’d like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because we’re ready to pump up the jam!

Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo…not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves “Pep Daddy!”

(Audience screams and applauds)

Craig and Arianna:
All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt,
Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY!
You’re butt ugly!
We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf
People say you’re so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!

Arianna: Hey! Who’s that Spartan gettin’ a wedgie?

Craig: It’s me! It’s me!

Arianna: I said who’s that Spartan gettin’ a wedgie?

Craig: It’s me! It’s me!

Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Arianna: Come on guys! It’s not just for strippers anymore!

Craig: That’s right!

(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)

Dale: Sorry about that…you guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.

(All three do kicks)

Dale: Okay settle, settle. Let’s find out more about Craig and Arianna.

Arianna:…my name is Arianna and I’m just like Mary Tyler Moore except I don’t have a Jewish friend. Um, I’m coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident I’m still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)

Dale: Okay, sex can wait!

All Three: masterbate!

Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?

Craig: Well I’m a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus I’m afraid of water sports.

Dale: Uh-oh, someone’s afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?

Craig: Guilty as charged

Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.

Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!

Craig: Dinner plates. No.

(All three jumping and kicking)

Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?

Craig & Arianna: Alright!

The Spartans hate to brag but we’re a real hum-dinger
We’re gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer
I say who you talkin’ to, who you talkin’ to, who you talkin’ toUh!

I am a hooker
I ain’t got no teeth
I killed my husband
With a Christmas wreath

I say who you talkin’ to
Who you talkin’ to
Who you talkin’ to

I’m a transvestite
Who’s stealing drugs
‘Cause my redneck daddy
Never gave me hugs

I say who you talkin’ to!
Final thought!

Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!

Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craig’s hand)

Announcer: For creativity…0.3

Craig and Arianna: Yes!

Announcer: For athleticism…0.6

Arianna: .6!

Announcer: For difficulty…0.0

Craig and Arianna: Awww!

Announcer: For lameness..10

Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!

Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!

Dale: Listen guys, I’ve been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, she’s a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.

(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)

Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.

Craig and Arianna: Yes?

Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.

Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, two…you guys are both disqualified.

Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?

Dale: Hey if you don’t mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, I’d be glad to join your squad.

Craig: Thanks Dale but that’s only three. We need four to compete.

(Sound of a helicopter off camera)

Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think it’s Rosie Perez!

Craig: No, I think it’s Debbie Allen!

Dale: If it’s who I think it is I’m gonna saturate my speedo.

(Paula Abdul walks over)

All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!

Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! You’re my goddess! Can I brush your hair?

Paula: No Dale.

Dale: Okay is that because I’m your coworker?

Paula: No, it’s because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.

Dale: Oh yes, not good.

Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.

Dale: Oh, it’s Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!

Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)

Paula: Actually I’m here to collect your registration fees.

Arianna: Ahhh!

Paula: Oh, and I’ll be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!

Arianna: Yeah!

(All four dance to “Play that Funky Music White Boy.” Awesome dance.)

Thanks to Jenni C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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