SNL Transcripts: David Duchovny: 05/09/98: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 20

97t: David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Aah ha! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!

Okay. Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was his role model. To which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”

Now, Hillary Clinton this week said that Palestinians should have their own free state. The President pointed out that the statement didn’t reflect official government policy. But added that if they wanted to become a free state, he and Hillary would be glad to broker the land deal.

A spokesman for the First Lady said that her views were personal, and are in no way a reflection of the views of the President. Much like their wedding vows….That’s sad, but…it’s true.

According to a poll in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women said that he promised them that she would.

On “Larry King Live” Thursday night, Bob Dole revealed that he was one of the test subjects of Viagra, and that it’s a great drug. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Dole was on the “Today” show promoting her new book, The Horrors of Viagra.

In order to break a 14-month stalemate in the Middle of – in the Middle East peace talks, Madeleine Albright gave Israel ’til Monday to come to an agreement. The Israelis said, “Hey, she’s got a lot of chutzpah for somebody who only found out she was Jewish when she read it in the paper!”…‘Member?

This week, Bill Gates paid 30 million dollars for a Winslow Homer painting of a seascape. However, he will continue to pay four bucks for a haircut.

FBI research indicates that nearly half the guns used in crimes in New York came from five Southern states: Virginia, Florida, North Carolina, Georgia, and South Carolina. The other half came from under the front seat in the Wu-Tang Clan’s car. [some boos]…What, is Method Man here? Why are you people…

Now, here with some commentary on the Kenneth Starr investigation, the super of 9201 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, Dominican Lou!

[pan over to Dominican Lou, whose left arm is in a sling]

Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias. Thank you, Colin. I’m telling you, the Kenneth Starr, oh boy! I know a lot of guys like he! I know one guy like he! His name is Wilfredo. Wilfredo is the super for 9230 Burnside Avenue across the street from me! We are only fighting because he tried to get me in trouble with my wife and my girlfriend!

Colin: I see.

Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] That’s too much!

Colin: So what is, uh, Wilfredo does to you is like what Kenneth Starr does to Clinton?

Dominican Lou: Colin. When I catch Wilfredo tryin’ to get me in trouble, I catch him and I punch him up goo’! I come bea’ he! I make him bleed ’cause I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! I hurt him all over the body! I come bea’ he!

Colin: Yeah! Speaking of fights, what happened to your arm, Dominican Lou?

Dominican Lou: Wilfredo. He bea’ me. I no bea’ him. He bea’ me. He bea’ me pretty bad. He b– He putted the crowbar in the arm. With the crowbar. He bea’ me. And that’s what I think Clinton should do to this guy, Kenneth Starr!

Colin: Clinton should break Kenneth Starr’s arm?

Dominican Lou: And that, it will send a good message. If Clinton break-a the Starr arm, Starr will know that Clinton is tough, and he will say, “Oh Clinton, don’t break my arm! Don’t break my arm! Please do not break my arm!” I needed the arm to clean the building!…He will say, “I better not talk to his wife or try to steal the toilet paper for his dad at the room, he – he’s busy!”

Colin: I see.

Dominican Lou: Look, Colin. I live in the Burnside Avenue. I keep-a the building clean! You come here to my building, there’s no mice there, there’s no crackheads in the building…there’s nine people sitting on the stoop…but you go to Wilfredo’s building, 9230…they there, they throw-a the garbage out of the window, and they always make-a the trouble!

Colin: So…

Dominican Lou: So wha’?

Colin: So…what does this have to do with the Clinton situation?

Dominican Lou: Nothing. I just no like-a the Wilfredo. I want to say something bad about him on the TV. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe the Clinton could beat up the Wilfredo instead of the Starr!

Colin: Okay, hey look–

Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] He come bea’ he!

Colin: Hey, Lou? What do you think about that thing on “Seinfeld” last Thursday when they burned the Puerto Rican flag?

Dominican Lou: I don’t care. They Puerto Rican. I Dominican.

Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody!

Dominican Lou: I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! Wilfredo, I’ll beat you! Don’t go!

Colin: Forensic tests have confirmed that remains of a body found in Berlin in 1972 are those of Martin Bormann, Hitler’s private secretary. Experts say they were finally certain when they discovered his “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug.

It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed.

Mercedes-Benz merged with Chrysler this week. The biggest transition will be for gangsta [doctored photo of gangsta rappers with Mercedes-Benz medallions] rappers, who will now have to switch to big, gold Chrysler medallions.

At the Vatican this week, a disgruntled guard lost control, shot and killed his boss and his boss’ wife. Such an outburst is now called “going papal.”

In southern Turkey, where prostitution is legal, the prostitutes are going on strike. Boy, sex with a prostitute is risky enough, but who’s gonna go out with a scab prostitute? [negative reaction] Don’t let me go into the summer like this, folks. Come on.

A new survey reveals that children as young as 10 are using steroids to enhance athletic performance. Officials became suspicious when two kids were decapitated during a dodgeball game.

Susan Carpenter McMillan has taken on a new cause: spreading California’s chemical castration penalty to other states. President Clinton was quick to point out that Washington, D.C. is not a state!

Lilith Fair, the popular all-music…all-female music festival launches its second tour on June 9th. Returning to that tour and joining us tonight is Lilith Fair’s witty folklorist, Cinder Calhoun. Please welcome Cinder Calhoun.

[pan over to Cinder]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um, thanks a lot, man. I know last time I asked you to introduce me as a witty folklorist, but just so you know, I now consider myself more of a karmic interpreter of humus, w – humorous vibrations, so that’s just to clarify.

Colin: Right, okay. Okay. So Cinder, what have you been up to while Lilith Fair is on hiatus?

Cinder: Well, uh, I’ve been working with a small publishing house out of Berkeley on a satirical comic book about the adventures of a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina superhero midwife.

Colin: Sounds great.

Cinder: Yeah, and I’ve also been temping in the personnel department at Citibank, so it’s kind of…

Colin: You must have gotten some great material from that.

Cinder: Um…actually, Colin, some things are so hideously profane that it’s hard to find humor in them! Uh, case in point: a couple of days ago I was sent home from work because I wasn’t wearing pantyhose! Um…maybe I’m crazy, but why should I be forced to wear pantyhose when I’m already protected by nature’s thick, woolly coating of leg hair? And I just thought we were sort of beyond this point in our – in our…cultural development, so I wrote a pantyhose protest song [grabs her guitar] about it. I hope you find it moving. It’s, um, sort of a call to arms for all the victims of legsploitation. It’s called “Unshackle My Legs.”

[lights dim as the song begins; plays her guitar]

Ohh, ohh…
You say your corporate dress code
Will make a good impression
But your little rule is a fascist stool
It’s cotton-crotched oppression
For 40 years you kept us in
A sweaty pantyhose prison
But I’m the one who found a run
In you control decision

You’ve hired us to do a job
Let us finish what we started
We’re breaking through this nylon seal
And…stop being leotarded!

Unshackle my legs
Be they hairy or funky now
Unshackle my legs
If they’re thick and they’re chunky now

Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my legs
Sheer Energy
My enemy
Unshackle my legs
Unshackle my leeeeeeeeeegggs! [cheers and applause as she holds the last word; lights come back up]

[end of song]

Colin: Cinder Calhoun, ladies and gentlemen! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Have a nice summer!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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