The X-Files

The X-Files

Mulder…..David Duchovny
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Scully…..Molly Shannon
Krycek…..Nicholas Lea

[ “X-FILES” theme plays ]

[ Exterior shot of government building ] [ SUPER: “FBI HEADQUARTERS
10:47 PM” ] [ open on Mulder sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer ]

Mulder V/O: A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believemay be operating at the highest level of government has up until this pointremained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, Ihave known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of allthings, “Deep Throat.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Deep Voice: It’s me, Deep Throat.

Mulder: [ opens door ] At last, the man I’ve been waiting to meet.

Janet Reno: [ enters ] Man? [ removes coat ] Take another look at this body.

Mulder: Janet Reno?

Janet Reno: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off thefloor.

Mulder: I can’t believe you’re the one sending me these messages. Thealien coverup must reach that high up.

Janet Reno: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the headwith a board? I was coming in to you!

Mulder: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren’t aboutextraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show mevideotapes of aliens?

Janet Reno: “Aliens” is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could comeover and we would watch it and have brie.

Mulder: What?

Janet Reno: I also have “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”.

Mulder: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted togive me a UFO. Now that couldn’t be more clear. It’s about UFOs.

Janet Reno: Oh, great. Then you won’t mind if you treat you to an”Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm.”

Mulder: Come on. Uh, what about “I want to give you an opportunity toexamine an out of this world body..” – oh. Okay, now I’m starting to get it.

Janet Reno: By the way, that offer still stands. [ strokes Mulder’s face andputs hand on his thigh ]

Mulder: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages andtake a code name, “Deep Throat”?

Janet Reno: Code name? Hell, “Deep Throat” was my old sorority nickname.

Mulder: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don’tunderstand why would you pursue me like this.

Janet Reno: Oh, Mulder. [ strokes his face ] Ever since I saw you at theJustice Department picnic, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.

Mulder: That’s right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate,like, 60 pancakes, didn’t you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowdchanting “Janet, Janet, Janet!”

Janet Reno: Okay, I like pancakes. Let’s move on. Ever since that day I’vekept an extensive file on you. Let’s see. [ pulls out folder ] Special AgentMulder, first name Fox. I’ll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote “Mrs. Janet Mulder” about300 times. See?

Mulder: Yes, I see. Listen, I’m flattered, Janet, but I’m marriedto my work and plus I’m really, really into pornography.

Janet Reno: Who isn’t?

Mulder: Well, I hope there’s no hard feelings. But if you’ll excuseme, my partner Scully is about to join me.

Janet Reno: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She’salways “Oh, I’m so skeptical about that. No, I’m sure there’s a reasonablescientific explanation for that.” If I ever see her, I will do my karate onher. [ does karate move ] Ow.

SCULLY: [ enters carrying file folder ] Mulder, I’m skeptical about yourconclusion, here. I’m sure there is a reasonable scientific explan – ahhhh!

Janet Reno: Ahhhh!

[ Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down. ]

Mulder: [ going to Scully ] Scully!

Janet Reno: [ bowing ] Thank you, Miyagi.

Mulder: Scully!

Janet Reno: She’ll be all right. Won’t be first time she’s woken up with aheadache and a few bruises. What’s that, Scully, you want mo’ stuff?

[ Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them. ]

Mulder: Hey, hey! Now you’ve gone too far. Get out of here!

Janet Reno: All right, but before I go….

[ Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder fallsback on desk. ]

Mulder: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucerin my pants.

Janet Reno: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I’vealready got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.

[ Krycek enters, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his “fake” left arm over Janet’s shoulders. ]

Krycek: Come on, Janet baby, let’s roll.

Mulder: Krycek, no!

Janet Reno: Alex is with the real FBI, the “Female Body Inspectors.”

Krycek: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.

Mulder: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.

[ Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls. ]

Janet Reno: Big mistake, my friend. [ punches Mulder out ] Let’s go, honey.[ Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him. ] It’s okay. It’sokay. You’re with me. [ to Scully, who’s still on the floor ] Sweet dreams,whore! And as for you, Mulder – [ to camera ] Live from New York, it’s”Saturday Night”!

Thanks to Randym of for this transcript.

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