The X-Files


The X-Files

Mulder…..David Duchovny
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Scully…..Molly Shannon
Krycek…..Nicholas Lea

[ “X-FILES” theme plays ]

[ Exterior shot of government building ] [ SUPER: “FBI HEADQUARTERS
10:47 PM” ] [ open on Mulder sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer ]

Mulder V/O: A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believemay be operating at the highest level of government has up until this pointremained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, Ihave known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of allthings, “Deep Throat.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Deep Voice: It’s me, Deep Throat.

Mulder: [ opens door ] At last, the man I’ve been waiting to meet.

Janet Reno: [ enters ] Man? [ removes coat ] Take another look at this body.

Mulder: Janet Reno?

Janet Reno: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off thefloor.

Mulder: I can’t believe you’re the one sending me these messages. Thealien coverup must reach that high up.

Janet Reno: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the headwith a board? I was coming in to you!

Mulder: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren’t aboutextraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show mevideotapes of aliens?

Janet Reno: “Aliens” is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could comeover and we would watch it and have brie.

Mulder: What?

Janet Reno: I also have “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”.

Mulder: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted togive me a UFO. Now that couldn’t be more clear. It’s about UFOs.

Janet Reno: Oh, great. Then you won’t mind if you treat you to an”Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm.”

Mulder: Come on. Uh, what about “I want to give you an opportunity toexamine an out of this world body..” – oh. Okay, now I’m starting to get it.

Janet Reno: By the way, that offer still stands. [ strokes Mulder’s face andputs hand on his thigh ]

Mulder: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages andtake a code name, “Deep Throat”?

Janet Reno: Code name? Hell, “Deep Throat” was my old sorority nickname.

Mulder: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don’tunderstand why would you pursue me like this.

Janet Reno: Oh, Mulder. [ strokes his face ] Ever since I saw you at theJustice Department picnic, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.

Mulder: That’s right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate,like, 60 pancakes, didn’t you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowdchanting “Janet, Janet, Janet!”

Janet Reno: Okay, I like pancakes. Let’s move on. Ever since that day I’vekept an extensive file on you. Let’s see. [ pulls out folder ] Special AgentMulder, first name Fox. I’ll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote “Mrs. Janet Mulder” about300 times. See?

Mulder: Yes, I see. Listen, I’m flattered, Janet, but I’m marriedto my work and plus I’m really, really into pornography.

Janet Reno: Who isn’t?

Mulder: Well, I hope there’s no hard feelings. But if you’ll excuseme, my partner Scully is about to join me.

Janet Reno: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She’salways “Oh, I’m so skeptical about that. No, I’m sure there’s a reasonablescientific explanation for that.” If I ever see her, I will do my karate onher. [ does karate move ] Ow.

SCULLY: [ enters carrying file folder ] Mulder, I’m skeptical about yourconclusion, here. I’m sure there is a reasonable scientific explan – ahhhh!

Janet Reno: Ahhhh!

[ Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down. ]

Mulder: [ going to Scully ] Scully!

Janet Reno: [ bowing ] Thank you, Miyagi.

Mulder: Scully!

Janet Reno: She’ll be all right. Won’t be first time she’s woken up with aheadache and a few bruises. What’s that, Scully, you want mo’ stuff?

[ Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them. ]

Mulder: Hey, hey! Now you’ve gone too far. Get out of here!

Janet Reno: All right, but before I go….

[ Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder fallsback on desk. ]

Mulder: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucerin my pants.

Janet Reno: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I’vealready got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.

[ Krycek enters, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his “fake” left arm over Janet’s shoulders. ]

Krycek: Come on, Janet baby, let’s roll.

Mulder: Krycek, no!

Janet Reno: Alex is with the real FBI, the “Female Body Inspectors.”

Krycek: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.

Mulder: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.

[ Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls. ]

Janet Reno: Big mistake, my friend. [ punches Mulder out ] Let’s go, honey.[ Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him. ] It’s okay. It’sokay. You’re with me. [ to Scully, who’s still on the floor ] Sweet dreams,whore! And as for you, Mulder – [ to camera ] Live from New York, it’s”Saturday Night”!

Thanks to Randym of for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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