Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 1
98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins
Witches Brew
Witch 1….Ana Gasteyer
Witch 2….Cameron Diaz
Witch 3….Molly Shannon
Witch 4….Cheri Oteri
Voice 1…..Will Ferrell
Voice 2…..Chris Kattan
Voice 3…..Tracy Morgan
…..Jonathan Richman
…..Tommy Larkins
(Opens with a shot of foggy mountains, cut to 3witches dressed in black, stirring a big, black,boiling pot with wooden sticks. The 3 witches chant intheir witchy voices)
All: “Double!, double! Toil andtrouble! fire burn and cauldron bubble!”(Evil laughs)
Witch 1: Eye of newt shall seal thy fate!(drops somein the pot)
Witch 2: And wing of bat turns love to hate!(Dropssome too, in the pot)
Witch 3: More!, more! My sisters put some more tostrengthen this dread elixir!
Witch 2: Yes, yes my sisters. Stir round, stir round
(The 3 keep stirring)
Witch 1: Yes, yes boy!(normal voice, no witchyvoice)This is starting to get pretty rank!
Witch 3: (normal voice, no witchy voice)Oh God! Itstinks! Ugh! What did you put in there!
Witch 1: I don’t know, man but it’s really nasty! It’sstarting to get a skin on it!
Witch 2: (normal voice)What is that smell like?!
Witch 3: It smells like a….(smells)like a men’s roomat a truck stop!
Witch 1: Uh-huh, its worse than that! Its like analley behind an Indian restaurant.
Witch 2: No, that’s not it. It smells like somebodypeeing on a pile of burning hair!
Witch 3: Its terrible! The pot is ruined now!
(They all cover their noses)
Witch 1: Man alive!! What is that smell?!
Witch 2: God!, it smells like a cafeteria steam trayfull of ass!!
Witch 3: No, it’s more like someone dropped a rancidpork chop into a port-o-toilet.
Witch 1: Ugh! I got it. It smells like a bunch oflongshoremen having sex in a butcher shop.
Witch 2: This is just plain stinky!
Witch 3: My eyes are starting to water!
Witch 2: What is that?!(coughs)
Witch 3: It smells like they’re cremating people nextto like a hot dog factory!
Witch 1: Oh! This reeks!
Witch 2: It smells like tuna fish….tuna fish watereddown, served through Andre the giant’s ass!!
Witch 1: Oh, my God!
Witch 3: No. It’s more like…
Witch 1: Its like a porno theater or something. Aporno theater after the air conditioning broke.
Witch 3: Oh, oh man!
(Voice from down the valley, off camera)
Voice 1: Hey! What the holy hell are you witchesburning up there?!!
Witch 3: Sorry! Got a little out of control.
Voice 1: I’ll say it got a little out of control! Goodnight nurse! It smells like a jock strap full ofcottage cheese!!
Witch 2: Hey!, once again, you know, sorry!!
Witch 3: Sorry!
Witch 1: We should really do something about this.
Witch 3: Yeah.
(Another witch arrives, witchy voice)
Witch 4: Hello my sisters! Sorry I’m latebut…(normal voice)Sweet mother of pearl!! What thehell happened up here!!
Witch 3: Everything is under control.
Witch 4: My aunt Fanny’s ass is under control! Itsmells like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burningtire!!
Witch 2: Listen, we just don’t know what to do!
Witch 4: Well, you better do something! It smells likea trucker’s roid cushion!
Witch 1: I think I have something that might cover upthe smell.
Witch 4: Forget that! I’m outta here! Damn!!
(Witch 1 produces a bottle and drops a green liquidfrom the bottle into the pot. Green steam rises up)
Witch 1: This should do it. I think it will be fine.
(The 3 witches make disgusted faces)
All: Aaaaaawwwww!!!!!
Witch 1: It made it worse!!
Witch 2: Oh, my God! Look! It’s spreading down intothe valley.
(Voices from down the valley, off camera)
Voice 2: Oh! That is terrible!
Voice 1: What is that?!! It stinks!!
Voice 2: It smells like zombie poo!
Voice 3: That is nasty! It smells like sasquatch’snuts!!
Voice 1: Oh, man! That is rough!
Witch 2: Sorry! Look, it got out of hand!
Voice 2: Got out of hand? It smells like a diaper fullof shrimp!
Witch 1: We should get out of here, really. Yeah, weshould just get out of here.
Witch 3: Yeah.
Witch 2: Hey! Sorry everyone! It was our bad!
Witch 3: Sorry!
Witch 2: Sorry!
Witch 3: Sorry!
(Witches leave. Camera pans across and there’s the twosinging dudes from There Something About Mary. Oneplays a little tambourine and the other plays theguitar and sings)
Jonathan Richman: That fragrance came wafting from thehill and from the moor, how shall we describe thatodor so pure, how shall we describe that odor sosweet, how about rotten pumpkins and Keith Richardsfeet.(laughs)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
