SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

TV Funhouse

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[Pompous broadcast news music accompanies the FUN WITHREAL AUDIO PRESENTS title card featuring the usualanimated, grinning reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to asecond title card: PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS OUTTAKES. Apair of hands holding a filmmaker’s clapboard isvisible on the right. Cut to President Bill Clinton,seated at his desk in the Oval Office, addressing thecamera, attempting to deliver his August 17, 1998″Address to the Nation on Testimony Before theIndependent Counsel’s Grand Jury.”]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. Ianswered– I–

[Clinton pauses, looks down, gestures to someone underthe desk. After a moment, a busty blonde woman emergesfrom beneath the desk and exits. The pair of handswith the clapboard appears from the right and signalsa second take.]

Bill Clinton: [continues] … before theIndependent Counsel and the grand jury. [IndependentCounsel Kenneth Starr skulks into view behind Clinton,holds up a blue dress stained with presidential semento the camera, then exits.] I answered their questionstruthfully … [Starr returns, holds up stained reddress, then a pair of stained high-heeled shoes.] …including questions about my private life. [Starrexits quickly as Clinton turns to look at him.]Questions no American citizen would–

[Starr returns and holds up a purple dress that isdrenched and dripping with presidential bodily fluids.Clinton jumps up and attacks Starr – they bitch-slapone another. Clapboard signals a third take. Cut toClinton, alone again, seated at his desk, addressingthe camera.]

Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and the grandjur–

[Camera pulls back slowly to reveal semen stains onthe front of the desk. An aide rushes into view andwaves for Clinton to stop. Clinton, palms up, shrugsin confusion. Clapboard signals a fourth take. Cut toa tighter shot of Clinton, seated at his desk,addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the gr–

[Framed, semen-stained painting of George Washingtonfalls from above and lands on the desk next toClinton. Clapboard signals a fifth take.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel … [Semen drips fromthe ceiling onto the president’s head] … and thegrand jury– the grand–

[Distracted, Clinton pauses and rubs his semen-stainedhair with his hand. Clapboard signals a sixth take.Cut to Clinton, seated at his desk, addressing thecamera. His hair, caked with semen, sticks straight up– just like the title character in the Cameron Diazfilm “There’s Something About Mary.”]

Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and–

[An aide rushes into view and waves for Clinton tostop. Clinton, palms up, shrugs in confusion.]

Bill Clinton: I did not do anythingimproper.

[As more semen rains down from above, the aide signalsfor help. A man with a towel enters to mop up andnearly slips on the semen-stained floor. Take seven.Cut to Clinton, seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, in this room,from this chair, I testified before the IndependentCounsel and the grand jury. [The ghost of formerPresident Richard Nixon magically appears next toClinton.] I answered their quest–

[Nixon’s ghost grabs Clinton’s speech from him,crumples it up, tosses it over his shoulder. He thentakes out some blank paper and a pen, handing these toClinton. Nixon then begins to pace the room whiledictating a speech to Clinton who dutifully writes itdown.]

Richard Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974resignation speech] I must put the interests ofAmerica first. Therefore, I shall resign thepresidency effective at noon tomorrow.

[Clinton looks up, eyes and mouth wide open — hedoesn’t like the sound of that.]

Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous”I’m not a crook” speech] I’m not a crook. Not acrook. Not a crook, crook, crook.

[Clinton jerks a thumb at Nixon, gesturing for theSecret Service to get rid of him. Two agents enter andtry to grab Nixon but he is an intangible ghost andkeeps right on pacing and dictating.]

Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous1950s “Checkers” speech] It was a cocker spaniel dogand our little girl, Tricia, named it “Checkers.” And,you know, the kids love the dog–

[One agent tries to catch Nixon in a heavy U.S. MAILbag — to no avail. Take eight. Cut to Clinton, aloneagain, still seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera — Nixon has disappeared for themoment but Kenneth Starr enters and exits repeatedlyduring Clinton’s speech.]

Bill Clinton: Our country has been distractedby this matter for too long and I take myresponsibility for my part in all of this. [Starrappears at left gripping a pulley rope and lowers asemen-stained donkey from the ceiling.] That is all Ican do. [Starr props a stiff, semen-stained Al Goreagainst a bureau behind Clinton. Gore holds a signreading: GORE 2000.] Now, it is time — in fact, it ispast time — to– [Starr wheels in a table with thesemen-soaked purple dress under a microscope. Starrpeers into the microscope, then points to theeyepiece. Cut to a microscopic view of nine wigglingsperm — all have bodies resembling Clinton’shead.]

Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!

[Cut back to Clinton addressing the camera. Starr nowholds the microscope over the donley’s semenstain.]

Bill Clinton: We – we have important work–

[Cut to a microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm.]

Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!

[Cut back to Clinton who has risen and is whacking atStarr with a flyswatter. Starr tries to protect theimmobile Gore from damage.]

Bill Clinton: I ask you to turn away from thespectacle of the past seven months …

[Cut back to microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm. They seem to be multiplying rapidly.]

Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!

Bill Clinton: … to repair the fabric of ournational discourse.

[Cut back to Clinton still whacking at Starr with aflyswatter. He turns on the donkey and starts whackingit, too. Starr rushes to protect the donkey fromdamage. The glowing spirit of Richard Nixon swoops inand demonically possesses Clinton’s body. Suddenly,Clinton is channeling Nixon: imitating Nixon’strademark slouch, his voice and his gestures.Patriotic music.]

Clinton as Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974farewell speech to the White House staff] Alwaysremember, those who hate you don’t win unless you hatethem — and, then, you destroy yourself.

[Clinton glows and Nixon’s spirit flies out ofClinton’s body and soars away. Clinton, his old selfagain, smiles forgivingly at Starr. Both men hug eachother warmly. After a moment, Clinton starts humpingStarr and Starr violently shoves him away and offscreen. Cut to the FUN WITH REAL AUDIO graphic withsmiling reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to end creditsand “TV Funhouse” theme song.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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