SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Jingleheimer Junction



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1




98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Jingleheimer Junction

Jingleheimer Joe…..Tim Meadows
Katie Kindness…..Cameron Diaz
Carla Caring…..Ana Gasteyer
Umberto Unity…..Horatio Sanz
Fred Friendship…..Will Ferrell

Jingleheimer Joe: [ entering the set ] Well, hello, hello. Glad to see you all back again with ol’ Jingleheimer Joe for more good times. So, let’s all become friends and get in a togetherness mood, with your good old pals, the Junction Gang.

[ train whistle sound effect. Katie Kindness, with “K” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Katie Kindness!

[ train whistle sound effect. Carla Caring, with “C” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Carla Caring!

[ train whistle sound effect. Umberto Unity, with “U” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: And Umberto Unity!

[ the kids are lined up to Jingleheimer Joe’s right: Umberto Unity, Carla Caring and Katie Kindness, the letters on their chests spelling out “UCK” ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Hey, Junction Gang! How are you all today?

Katie Kindness: Better than ever!

Carla Caring: We made a new friend! He’s going to join the Junction Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: [ curious ] New friend? I didn’t hear anything about a new friend.

Carla Caring: Well, why don’t you meet him?

Katie Kindness: Hey, new friend! Come on down!

( train whistle sound effect. Fred Friendship, with “F” on chest, enters back door, stands next to Katie Kindness, spelling “UCKF”)

Umberto Unity: Meet our new friend, Fred Friendship!

Fred Friendship: “F” is for “Friendship”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Um.. I’m not sure that this is a good idea.

Katie Kindness: Not a good idea? Why, friendship is the best idea!

Carla Caring: In fact, I think Fred Friendship should go to the front of the line!

Jingleheimer Joe: Uh.. no, no. He shouldn’t.

Fred Friendship: [ excited ] Yes, I should!

Umberto Unity: To the front of the line, Fred!

Jingleheimer Gang: [ chanting ] “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”!

[ Freddie Friendship dances slowly to the front of the line ] [ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ] [ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, Fred, that’s enough of you! It’s time for you to get out of here, okay!

Katie Kindness: Jingleheimer Joe, that’s not being friendly.

Fred Friendship: No, it’s not!

Carla Caring: Maybe we should sing the “Togetherness Song” for Jingleheimer Joe.

Fred Friendship: Yeah, let’s do it! I’ll go stand over there with the Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: No. No, you won’t! You’ll stand right here.

[ music intro starts song ]

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “You can’t have togetherness, without four things:”

Carla Caring: “Caring.”

Katie Kindness: “And Kindness.”

Fred Friendship: “Friendship!”

Umberto Unity: “And Unity.”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “Come see what joy these four can be.”

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, uh.. that’s great. Now, we’re gonna..

Carla Caring: Letter Call-out!

Fred Friendship: [ moving forward ] “F”!

Umberto Unity: [ moving forward ] “U”!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ] [ cut back to Jingleheimer Gang, Katie Kindness moving forward ]

Jingleheimer Gang: “K”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay. Alright. I think that’s enough. That’s enough.

Katie Kindness: No, it’s not. It’s time for “Mish-Mash Mix-em-up.

Jingleheimer Gang: Yeah!

Carla Caring: Spread out, everyone, until someone says, “Freeze!”

[ the Jingleheimer Gang starts to spin around one another in different combinations – Fred Friendship around Umberto Unity, Carla Caring around Katie Kindness and other combinations, until “U-C-K” can be seen with Fred Friendship almost turned completely around. ]

Jingleheimer Joe: That’s it! Stop it! [ rushes Fred Friendship ] No, no, no!!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ] [ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: I’ve had enough of you! Get out of here, Fred!

Fred Friendship: [ hurt] Ow! I just want to be with my friends!

Umberto Unity: We’re supposed to be learning about friendship, Joe.

Jingleheimer Joe: Shut up, Umberto!

Fred Friendship: Whoa. I think somebody around here has completely missed our message of togetherness.

Katie Kindness: I think we’d better tell him what we’re all about.

Fred Friendship: This song’s about Togetherness.

Katie Kindness: [ starts singing ] “What we’re spelling out for you-ou.. Is really, really good to do-oo. Caring and kindness are the perfect fit.”

Umberto Unity: [ singing ] “You can do it anywhere! In a parking lot or on a chair!”

Carla Caring: [ singing ] “Inside and outsi-i-i-ide!”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing and gyrating ] “In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out..” [ backs now turned ]

Katie Kindness: [ turns around singing, reveals “K” ] “Oh, yeah!”

Carla Caring: [ turns around singing, reveals “C” ] “Baby!”

Umberto Unity: [ turns around singing, reveals “U” ] “Baby!”

Jingleheimer Joe: [ once again rushes Fred Friendship before he can turn around ] Noooooo!!!

[ Jingleheimer Joe wrestles Fred Friendship to the ground one last time, as “Jingleheimer Junction” ends ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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