Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 1
Cameron Diaz’s Monologue
Man in Audience…..Hugh Fink
Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you, everyone, it’s great to be here in New York! As you can see, I didn’t use too much hair products this evening! [ laughs, but scowls at an unresponsive Man sitting in the audience ] What? What the hell are you looking at, what’s your problem? [ he stares back, confused ] You’re just sitting there with that goofy smart-ass look on your freakin’ punk-ass face, so I’m just wondering – do you have something to say to me?
Man in Audience: [ stunned ] Punk-ass? My face isn’t punk-ass..
Cameron Diaz: [ laughing ] What? What the hell did you just say?
Man in Audience: No, I.. I mean, I love your work..
Cameron Diaz: Oh, you love my work? That’s supposed to mean something to me? Right. You know what? You’re bugging the living crap out of me, man. I know you think I’m, like, that sweet girl you see in the movies all the time. But I gotta let you know, okay – you don’t know me! You don’t know what’s going in here. So you’d just better back off before I unload on y’all.
Man in Audience: Okay.. everything’s cool?
Cameron Diaz: What? What’s cool about it, man? I mean ,what do you think, that you can just sit there like some damn, dirty punk, sirking like a bitch? [ walks over to the Man in Audience ]
Man in Audience: No.. I..
Cameron Diaz: No, I what? [ slaps the Man ] You think it’s easy sitting here reading these cur cards?
Man in Audience: Yes?
Cameron Diaz: Yeah? Okay, then try it, jackal! Read the cue card!
Man in Audience: Okay.. Jackel?
Cameron Diaz: Read it!!
Man in Audience: [ readin ] “Okay.. we’ve got a great show tonight, the Smashing Pupe-kins are here..”
Cameron Diaz: [ outraged ] What?! You jack ass! Shut up, you – Listen, you know what, just step off a second and I’ll show you how it’s done. [ returns to stage ] Okay, I’m super excited about being here this evening. We’ve got a great show tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!