SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Cameron Diaz’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Cameron Diaz’s Monologue

…..Cameron Diaz
Man in Audience…..Hugh Fink

Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you, everyone, it’s great to be here in New York! As you can see, I didn’t use too much hair products this evening! [ laughs, but scowls at an unresponsive Man sitting in the audience ] What? What the hell are you looking at, what’s your problem? [ he stares back, confused ] You’re just sitting there with that goofy smart-ass look on your freakin’ punk-ass face, so I’m just wondering – do you have something to say to me?

Man in Audience: [ stunned ] Punk-ass? My face isn’t punk-ass..

Cameron Diaz: [ laughing ] What? What the hell did you just say?

Man in Audience: No, I.. I mean, I love your work..

Cameron Diaz: Oh, you love my work? That’s supposed to mean something to me? Right. You know what? You’re bugging the living crap out of me, man. I know you think I’m, like, that sweet girl you see in the movies all the time. But I gotta let you know, okay – you don’t know me! You don’t know what’s going in here. So you’d just better back off before I unload on y’all.

Man in Audience: Okay.. everything’s cool?

Cameron Diaz: What? What’s cool about it, man? I mean ,what do you think, that you can just sit there like some damn, dirty punk, sirking like a bitch? [ walks over to the Man in Audience ]

Man in Audience: No.. I..

Cameron Diaz: No, I what? [ slaps the Man ] You think it’s easy sitting here reading these cur cards?

Man in Audience: Yes?

Cameron Diaz: Yeah? Okay, then try it, jackal! Read the cue card!

Man in Audience: Okay.. Jackel?

Cameron Diaz: Read it!!

Man in Audience: [ readin ] “Okay.. we’ve got a great show tonight, the Smashing Pupe-kins are here..”

Cameron Diaz: [ outraged ] What?! You jack ass! Shut up, you – Listen, you know what, just step off a second and I’ll show you how it’s done. [ returns to stage ] Okay, I’m super excited about being here this evening. We’ve got a great show tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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