SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Oops! I Crapped My Pants



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1


98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oops! I Crapped My Pants

Ana…..Ana Gasteyer

[Open – porch of nice home, looking out on yard.] [Two grandparents sit with grandchild, as parents approach in tennis uniforms]

Ana: Hey, Mom what do you say to a game of tennis?

Grandchild: Come on grandma, with you on our side, the boys don’t stand a chance!

Grandma: Okay, I’ll get my racket

[Grandma rises from site but changes her mind, looking concerned]

Grandma: On second thought, I think I better sit this one out.

[Grandma upset, looks up at Grandpa]

Grandpa: You kids go ahead, I wanna have a talk with your old grandma.

[kids, parent leave; Grandpa sits down]

Grandpa: You’re still having control problems, aren’t you?

Grandma: I just don’t feel confident, Harvey.

Grandpa: Come with me. I wanna let you in on a little secret.

[Grandpa takes Grandma’s hand and they leave porch] [Grandpa opens cabinet and takes out adult diapers]

Grandpa: Here we are. Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

Grandma: Oops! I Crapped My Pants. I’ve heard of those. Do they work?

Grandpa: Oops! I Crapped My Pants outperformed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you.

[Grandma holds open diaper, Grandpa holds pitcher]

Grandpa: Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.

[Grandpa pours pitcher of tea with lemons into diaper]

Grandpa: See how its super thick protection allows for maximum absorbency without leaking.

Grandma: I’m impressed. Oops! I Crapped My Pants can hold a lot of dung.

Grandpa: And get this – Oops! I Crapped My Pants are biodegradable. Now that’s good for the environment.

Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?

Grandpa: Well I’m wearing them.. and I just did.

[Grandpa and Grandma smile at each other] [tennis courts, Grandpa and Grandma playing tennis with children]

Grandchild: Nice point, Grandma!

[Grandma turns to address camera]

Grandma: Thanks, Oops! I Crapped My Pants!

Voice-over: Visit your local pharmacy and just say, “Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

[Grandpa hugs Grandma, kisses her on the head. They walk away happy] [They turn to walk away and their tennis shorts are bulging…]

Submitted by: Michelle Donahue Hillison

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