SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Oops! I Crapped My Pants


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oops! I Crapped My Pants

Ana…..Ana Gasteyer

[Open – porch of nice home, looking out on yard.] [Two grandparents sit with grandchild, as parents approach in tennis uniforms]

Ana: Hey, Mom what do you say to a game of tennis?

Grandchild: Come on grandma, with you on our side, the boys don’t stand a chance!

Grandma: Okay, I’ll get my racket

[Grandma rises from site but changes her mind, looking concerned]

Grandma: On second thought, I think I better sit this one out.

[Grandma upset, looks up at Grandpa]

Grandpa: You kids go ahead, I wanna have a talk with your old grandma.

[kids, parent leave; Grandpa sits down]

Grandpa: You’re still having control problems, aren’t you?

Grandma: I just don’t feel confident, Harvey.

Grandpa: Come with me. I wanna let you in on a little secret.

[Grandpa takes Grandma’s hand and they leave porch] [Grandpa opens cabinet and takes out adult diapers]

Grandpa: Here we are. Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

Grandma: Oops! I Crapped My Pants. I’ve heard of those. Do they work?

Grandpa: Oops! I Crapped My Pants outperformed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you.

[Grandma holds open diaper, Grandpa holds pitcher]

Grandpa: Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.

[Grandpa pours pitcher of tea with lemons into diaper]

Grandpa: See how its super thick protection allows for maximum absorbency without leaking.

Grandma: I’m impressed. Oops! I Crapped My Pants can hold a lot of dung.

Grandpa: And get this – Oops! I Crapped My Pants are biodegradable. Now that’s good for the environment.

Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?

Grandpa: Well I’m wearing them.. and I just did.

[Grandpa and Grandma smile at each other] [tennis courts, Grandpa and Grandma playing tennis with children]

Grandchild: Nice point, Grandma!

[Grandma turns to address camera]

Grandma: Thanks, Oops! I Crapped My Pants!

Voice-over: Visit your local pharmacy and just say, “Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

[Grandpa hugs Grandma, kisses her on the head. They walk away happy] [They turn to walk away and their tennis shorts are bulging…]

Submitted by: Michelle Donahue Hillison

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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