Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 1
98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins
Oops! I Crapped My Pants
[Open – porch of nice home, looking out on yard.] [Two grandparents sit with grandchild, as parents approach in tennis uniforms]
Ana: Hey, Mom what do you say to a game of tennis?
Grandchild: Come on grandma, with you on our side, the boys don’t stand a chance!
Grandma: Okay, I’ll get my racket
Grandma: On second thought, I think I better sit this one out.[Grandma upset, looks up at Grandpa]
Grandpa: You kids go ahead, I wanna have a talk with your old grandma.[kids, parent leave; Grandpa sits down]
Grandpa: You’re still having control problems, aren’t you?
Grandma: I just don’t feel confident, Harvey.
Grandpa: Come with me. I wanna let you in on a little secret.[Grandpa takes Grandma’s hand and they leave porch] [Grandpa opens cabinet and takes out adult diapers]
Grandpa: Here we are. Oops! I Crapped My Pants.
Grandma: Oops! I Crapped My Pants. I’ve heard of those. Do they work?
Grandpa: Oops! I Crapped My Pants outperformed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you.
[Grandma holds open diaper, Grandpa holds pitcher]
Grandpa: Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.[Grandpa pours pitcher of tea with lemons into diaper]
Grandpa: See how its super thick protection allows for maximum absorbency without leaking.
Grandma: I’m impressed. Oops! I Crapped My Pants can hold a lot of dung.
Grandpa: And get this – Oops! I Crapped My Pants are biodegradable. Now that’s good for the environment.
Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?
Grandpa: Well I’m wearing them.. and I just did.[Grandpa and Grandma smile at each other] [tennis courts, Grandpa and Grandma playing tennis with children]
Grandchild: Nice point, Grandma![Grandma turns to address camera]
Grandma: Thanks, Oops! I Crapped My Pants!
Voice-over: Visit your local pharmacy and just say, “Oops! I Crapped My Pants.
Submitted by: Michelle Donahue Hillison