SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Oprah 2002

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oprah 2002

Thelma Weston…..Tracy Morgan
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell
Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Tina Baxter…..Cameron Diaz

[ open on “Oprah 2002” graphic ] [ dissolve to fat-suited Thelma Weston on set ]

Thelma Weston: Hello! Hello! Hello, and welcome to Oprah — the Opah show for January 11, 2002. Mmm — [ licking fingers ] This pork chop is on da money, baby! And now, here’s Oprahhhh!

[ slim Oprah Winfrey steps out ]

Oprah Winfrey: Well, thank you, Thelma! That, of course, my sidekick for the past three years — Thelma Weston. Hello, everybody, welcome to “Oprah”! Now, honey, I can’t believe that 2001 is already over. Can you?

[ audience reacts: “Noooo!!” ]

Oprah Winfrey: I know! But we have got some show for you all today, honey. Now, do you remember this from a few years ago? [ reading ] “I did not have improper relatinos with that woman.” [ audience reacts ] That’s right! It’s been almost FOUR years, but we’ve got the gang from the Monica Lewinsky scandal… here with us today!! [ audience cheers ] So… let’s bring them out!

So, you know him as the former President of the United States — WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON!! BIIIIILLLL!!!

[ a dapper, moustached Bill Clinton steps out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s good to see you.

Bill Clinton: Good to see you, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: And here’s Bill’s ex-wife — let’s hear it for MY GIRL, honey! The former First Lady — HILLARY RODHAM!! YEAHH!!!

[ a granny-dressed Hillary steps out, greets Oprah, sits ]

Hillary Clinton: [ to Bill ] Hey, you! Hey, you!

Oprah Winfrey: And what would the Clinton scandal be without… MONICA LEWINSKYYYYY!!

[ Monica steps out, exchanges embraces with Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And this guy — this guy was always my favorite — Independent Counsel KENNETH STARRRRR!!

[ Starr steps out, mimics his authority for the crowd, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And, finally, the woman without whom NONE of these people would be here — LINDA TRIPP, everybody!! LINDAAAA!!!

[ Linda waddles out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: All right, everybody… all right, all right! Now — okay, now. It was four years ago — you guys were involved in a BIIIG scandal!

Bill Clinton: [ jovial ] Who, me? [ he laughs ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, you, Bill! Now, looking back on it, do you have any regrets?

Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] I do, Oprah. I just wish I had gotten to know Ken a little. [ he wraps his arm around Starr ]

Linda Tripp: I… have… one regret, Oprah. [ she fights her emotions ]

Oprah Winfrey: Linda… come on, now. Come on. You have something that you want to say to Monica?

Linda Tripp: Yes, Oprah. [ tears ] Monica… I want to say… I am so sorry… that I said you looked fat in that blue dress.

Monica Lewinsky: Linda… that is so sweet. Now, you’re not recording this, are you?

[ they share the laugh ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s so great to see you all laughing like this! This is strange. Do you ever get together, do you solcialize?

Bill Clinton: Well, you know, it’s so hard. I’m in L.A. working with DreamWorks… Hillary’s in Santa Fe —

Hillary Clinton: Doing my pottery thing! [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Bill Clinton: And we were all gonna get together in Aspen last Winter, but Linda couldn’t make it.

Linda Tripp: I had some out-patient surgery, unfortunately.

Monica Lewinsky: How are your feet?

Linda Tripp: The feet are good… they’re good.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Kenneth, um — I understand that you’re not in D.C. any more?

Kenneth Starr: No, I’m actually in Toronto now, and I just couldn’t be happier! I realized that eveything I did back then wasn’t about the Clintons or obstruction of justice. I was in a baaaad marriage, and, uh… just not in a healthy place.

Oprah Winfrey: But, now you’re remarried?

Kenneth Starr: Yes — to Connie, a physical therapist. [ waves to the camera ] Hey, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Bill — Bill, what was the moment when you knew things were out of control?

Bill Clinton: [ clears his throat ] I, uh — I remember one time in the Oval Office… I was on the phone with Madeline Albright, eating pizza, chomping on a cigar, COKED out of my mind.

Monica Lewinsky: [ smiling ] I remember that night! I remember! [ she laughs ] [ Bill’s eyebrows raise, his mind reeling back as he smiles ]

Bill Clinton: And, you know, I just thought: Hey! You know, I’m the President of the United States, this is nuts! You know, I’m gonna end up like Tupac.

Oprah Winfrey: No, but you didn’t stop there, did you?

Bill Clinton: No, I did not!

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, because you got in trouble again, after the, uh, the Lewinsky scandal. In fact, you had another affair in the Spring of 1999… with a paralegal who was working on your civil suit.

Bill Clinton: Right… right. Well, you know, THAT one made all the headlines. I guess I just have the magic touch! [ he bites his lip and holds up his thumb ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ laughing ] Well, let’s bring her out! SURPRISE!! TINA BAXTERRRRR!!!

[ Tina Baxter steps out and sits ]

Tina Baxter: You know, Oprah, I have to tell you how lucky I feel to have been a part of this scandal! These people here — these people did so much work!

Oprah Winfrey: You know what? You all are so GREAT together. I just want to know: Is there any chance you might team up again for, maybe, another scandal?

Linda Tripp: Weeeellll… we’re not allowed to say anything for sure… but we’ve been talking! [ mimes with her hand ]

Monica Lewinsky: Yes, it’s definitely a possibility.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, you’ve given us all so much already. Thank you for making history. The cast of the Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal! Let’s hear it, everybody, please!

[ they all stand, hold hands, and bow ]

Now… we’ll be back with MORE of this crazy gang — plus: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!!”

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