SNL Transcripts: Cameron Diaz: 09/26/98: Oprah 2002


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oprah 2002

Thelma Weston…..Tracy Morgan
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell
Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Tina Baxter…..Cameron Diaz

[ open on “Oprah 2002” graphic ] [ dissolve to fat-suited Thelma Weston on set ]

Thelma Weston: Hello! Hello! Hello, and welcome to Oprah — the Opah show for January 11, 2002. Mmm — [ licking fingers ] This pork chop is on da money, baby! And now, here’s Oprahhhh!

[ slim Oprah Winfrey steps out ]

Oprah Winfrey: Well, thank you, Thelma! That, of course, my sidekick for the past three years — Thelma Weston. Hello, everybody, welcome to “Oprah”! Now, honey, I can’t believe that 2001 is already over. Can you?

[ audience reacts: “Noooo!!” ]

Oprah Winfrey: I know! But we have got some show for you all today, honey. Now, do you remember this from a few years ago? [ reading ] “I did not have improper relatinos with that woman.” [ audience reacts ] That’s right! It’s been almost FOUR years, but we’ve got the gang from the Monica Lewinsky scandal… here with us today!! [ audience cheers ] So… let’s bring them out!

So, you know him as the former President of the United States — WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON!! BIIIIILLLL!!!

[ a dapper, moustached Bill Clinton steps out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s good to see you.

Bill Clinton: Good to see you, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: And here’s Bill’s ex-wife — let’s hear it for MY GIRL, honey! The former First Lady — HILLARY RODHAM!! YEAHH!!!

[ a granny-dressed Hillary steps out, greets Oprah, sits ]

Hillary Clinton: [ to Bill ] Hey, you! Hey, you!

Oprah Winfrey: And what would the Clinton scandal be without… MONICA LEWINSKYYYYY!!

[ Monica steps out, exchanges embraces with Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And this guy — this guy was always my favorite — Independent Counsel KENNETH STARRRRR!!

[ Starr steps out, mimics his authority for the crowd, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And, finally, the woman without whom NONE of these people would be here — LINDA TRIPP, everybody!! LINDAAAA!!!

[ Linda waddles out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: All right, everybody… all right, all right! Now — okay, now. It was four years ago — you guys were involved in a BIIIG scandal!

Bill Clinton: [ jovial ] Who, me? [ he laughs ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, you, Bill! Now, looking back on it, do you have any regrets?

Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] I do, Oprah. I just wish I had gotten to know Ken a little. [ he wraps his arm around Starr ]

Linda Tripp: I… have… one regret, Oprah. [ she fights her emotions ]

Oprah Winfrey: Linda… come on, now. Come on. You have something that you want to say to Monica?

Linda Tripp: Yes, Oprah. [ tears ] Monica… I want to say… I am so sorry… that I said you looked fat in that blue dress.

Monica Lewinsky: Linda… that is so sweet. Now, you’re not recording this, are you?

[ they share the laugh ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s so great to see you all laughing like this! This is strange. Do you ever get together, do you solcialize?

Bill Clinton: Well, you know, it’s so hard. I’m in L.A. working with DreamWorks… Hillary’s in Santa Fe —

Hillary Clinton: Doing my pottery thing! [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Bill Clinton: And we were all gonna get together in Aspen last Winter, but Linda couldn’t make it.

Linda Tripp: I had some out-patient surgery, unfortunately.

Monica Lewinsky: How are your feet?

Linda Tripp: The feet are good… they’re good.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Kenneth, um — I understand that you’re not in D.C. any more?

Kenneth Starr: No, I’m actually in Toronto now, and I just couldn’t be happier! I realized that eveything I did back then wasn’t about the Clintons or obstruction of justice. I was in a baaaad marriage, and, uh… just not in a healthy place.

Oprah Winfrey: But, now you’re remarried?

Kenneth Starr: Yes — to Connie, a physical therapist. [ waves to the camera ] Hey, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Bill — Bill, what was the moment when you knew things were out of control?

Bill Clinton: [ clears his throat ] I, uh — I remember one time in the Oval Office… I was on the phone with Madeline Albright, eating pizza, chomping on a cigar, COKED out of my mind.

Monica Lewinsky: [ smiling ] I remember that night! I remember! [ she laughs ] [ Bill’s eyebrows raise, his mind reeling back as he smiles ]

Bill Clinton: And, you know, I just thought: Hey! You know, I’m the President of the United States, this is nuts! You know, I’m gonna end up like Tupac.

Oprah Winfrey: No, but you didn’t stop there, did you?

Bill Clinton: No, I did not!

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, because you got in trouble again, after the, uh, the Lewinsky scandal. In fact, you had another affair in the Spring of 1999… with a paralegal who was working on your civil suit.

Bill Clinton: Right… right. Well, you know, THAT one made all the headlines. I guess I just have the magic touch! [ he bites his lip and holds up his thumb ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ laughing ] Well, let’s bring her out! SURPRISE!! TINA BAXTERRRRR!!!

[ Tina Baxter steps out and sits ]

Tina Baxter: You know, Oprah, I have to tell you how lucky I feel to have been a part of this scandal! These people here — these people did so much work!

Oprah Winfrey: You know what? You all are so GREAT together. I just want to know: Is there any chance you might team up again for, maybe, another scandal?

Linda Tripp: Weeeellll… we’re not allowed to say anything for sure… but we’ve been talking! [ mimes with her hand ]

Monica Lewinsky: Yes, it’s definitely a possibility.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, you’ve given us all so much already. Thank you for making history. The cast of the Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal! Let’s hear it, everybody, please!

[ they all stand, hold hands, and bow ]

Now… we’ll be back with MORE of this crazy gang — plus: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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