Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 1
98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins
The Roxbury Guys
Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Celeste…..Cameron Diaz
Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin
…..Billy Corrigan
…..Smashing Pumpkins
[Open to outside of the Moomba Club]
[Cut to the indide of the Moomba Club, where Celeste and 2 other guys enter in]
Celeste: Hello, Smashing Pumpkins.
Billy: Celeste. Did you get my messages?
Celeste: Only all 12 of them…
Billy: You wanna dance?
Celeste: Hey, who are the new guys?
[Cut to the bar, where Steve and Doug are bopping their heads with wine bottles in their mouths, to “What is Love” by Haddaway]
Doug Butabi: Hey! You wanna dance? [He steps foward, does some dance moves, and then gets back to the bar] You do? You dont? You’re deaf? No, you’re not deaf at all! Okay, sorry about that.
Steve Butabi: [He steps foward] You wanna dance? No? You’re a Mennonite and your elders forbid it? Okay. Cool. Right! [He steps back]
[Celeste has a cigarette in her mouth, and does a hand motion, asking the Guys for a lighter]
Doug Butabi: Me? Him? Me? Him?
Steve Butabi: Him? No? Me? Him? [He manages to get a lighter out of his poket, but Doug jumps in for it, and he throws it into the bar, and it lights on fire.]
[The barman gets a extinguisher and extinguishes the fire, and sprays water everywhere, even on Doug and Steve’s suits, which leave some white marks]
Steve Butabi: We’re good! We’re fine, thanks alot! Thanks alot.
[Celeste walks in between them]
Steve Butabi: Hey! Hey! [They bounce her around with their chests]
Celeste: [enjoying] Oh! [She whispers to the guys after they stop]
Doug & Steve: SCORE! VEERRY NICE! [They high-five]
[Cut to a Cadallac driving on a busy street]
[Cut to the inside of the Cadillac, where Doug, Celeste, and Steve are bopping their heads]
[Cut to the outside of an apartment building]
[Cut to the interior of the building. They are in a room, in which the Celeste enters and lays on a bed. The Guys come dancing in]
[“What is Love” stops. There is stereo and many CD’s on top of a table, and the Guys scramble to find a CD to play. Doug finds a CD, and Steve puts it in. “What is Love” place once again]
[Celeste does a finger motion for the Guys to join her in the bed]
Doug Butabi: Who? Me? Him?
Steve Butabi: Him? Me? Him?
Doug & Steve: BOTH!? SCORE!
[They go in the bed, and cover themsleves with a blanket. The lights go off after some bouncing around, and the bouncing keeps on going on until…]
Steve Butabi: OH!
Doug: OH!
[…the Guys find out that Celeste snuck out of bed, while they are left, uh.. boning each other]
[Cut to the outside of The Moomba Club]
[Cut to the interior, where Celeste sees the Smashing Pumpkins again]
Billy: Hey, how about that dance?
Celeste: Oh please, Billy! Hey! Who are the new guys!?
[Crowd clears, revealing the Festrunk Bros. dancing]
Georg Festrunk: [Thick accent] HELLO! [checking her out] Hello, young super FOX!
Yortuk Festrunk: [Very thick accent] We enjoy your big American breasts! You must be impressed at our tight pants, that increase our buldges!
Gerog Festrunk: Would you like to go surfing with us to the porngography sites!?
[The Roxbury Bros. enter]
Doug Butabi: What’s going on here!?
Steve Butabi: Why are you with her?
Yortuk Festrunk: Because we are….
Festrunk Bros.: Because, we are two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!
[They walk out with the girl]
Celeste: SCORE!
Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda
