SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 10/02/98: Bernard


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow


Dad…..Tracy Morgan
Bernard…..Shaquille O’Neal

[ open on interior, dark living room, as Bernard sneaks in past his curfew ] [ suddenly, Dad, seated in wait on the couch, turns the lights on ]

Dad: Bernard, get your ass over here!

Bernard: Sorry I’m late, Dad.

Dad: Sit yo’ ass down! What time was you supposed to be home?

Bernard: Midnight, Dad.

Dad: Okay. Now, what time is it now?

Bernard: Two o’clock, Dad.

Dad: Okay. Using the art of subtraction, how late, exactly, are you?

Bernard: Two hours, Dad?

Dad: Close enough. Listen, Son.. I told you, the next time you were late, I was gonna take you over my knee! Now, lay your ass over my lap!

Bernard: You can’t spank me, Dad, I’m too big!

Dad: Look, I ain’t afraid of you, Bernard! you think I’m a wussie?!

Bernard: No..

Dad: Now, lay your ass on my lap! This is my hise! I got to spank me some butt!

Bernard: Dad!

Dad: Look, the longer you wait, the harder I’m gone hit, Bernard! I ain’t playin’ wit’ you!

[ Bernard lays across Dad’s lap, nearly toppling Dad over the couch due to Bernard’s large stature ]

Dad: You can’t get too big for me! Okay? Now, here it comes! [ raises arm and swats Bernard’s butt in repeated motion ] How! Many! Times! I told you! To get your ass! Home! On! Time! And! Never To!

Bernard: [ mocking ] Ooh! Ahh!

Dad: Damn! Twelve! We! Go Through This! Every! Single Time! You! Go Out! And You Still! Don’t! Learn! Nothing! You crying?

Bernard: Yes!

Dad: Yeah, you better cry! [ continues to spank Bernard ] ‘Cause the next time! You show your ass in! At two o’clock! In the damn morning! I’m gonna spank! Your ass! ‘Til you wish you didn’t! Have a ass! Get up! [ Bernard stands ] You know, that hurt me more than it hurt you! Come here. Come on over here. You had fun tonight? Tell me what you did.

Bernard: Went to a few clubs, and I went to eat a burger with Michelle.

Dad: That sounds nice! Put your head down on my lap, Son. I’m gonna tell you a story about me and your mother.

Bernard: Dad, it’s uncomfortable!

Dad: Don’t make me take my belt off, Bernard!

Bernard: Dad, you’re wearing boxer shorts.

Dad: Lay your head down, or I’m gonna have a spanking flashback! [ Bernard lays his oversized head down on Dad’s tiny lap ] Your momma was the prettiest grl in the class. Is your girlfriend pretty?

Bernard: Yeah.

Dad: She got a nice shape?

Bernard: Yeah.

Dad: Mmm.. your momma had a nice shape when I first met her. Now she got.. now she got a butt like a bag of wet clothes. You gettin’ sleepy?

Bernard: No.. no..

Dad: Let me hold you, while I sing you a song to make you sleepy.

Bernard: Dad, you can’t hold me!

Dad: You wanna hear a lullaby, or you wanna get your ass cracked?!

Bernard: Hear a lullaby.

Dad: Come on over here.
[ singing ]“Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop
when the wind blows, the cradle will rock.
As the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
and down will come Bernard.. cradle.. and all.”

I’m proud of you, Son. I’m proud of you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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