SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 10/02/98: Private Eye


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Private Eye

Detective Rick Stone…..Kelsey Grammer
Lois Charles…..Molly Shannon

[ open on black-and-white film noir scene, set inside Detective Rick Stone’s office ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was sitting in a hot office at midnight in the naked city, sipping $2 gin and wondering when my next paycheck was gonna walk through my door. When suddenly..

[ Lois Charles enters the office ]

Lois Charles: Rick Stone?

Detective Rick Stone V/O: did.

Detective Rick Stone: [ rises ] Who wants to know?

Lois Charles: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lois Charles.

Detective Rick Stone: I should tell you, kitten, my services don’t come cheap.

Lois Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, fortunately, I came with a few Benjamin Franklins.

Detective Rick Stone: You keep good company, Blue Eyes. Have a seat.

[ she sits ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was playing it cool. But I couldn’t remember which bill Benjamin Franklin was on. A twenty? Nah.. I think it’s the ten. But still, three of those babies, that’s like $47.

Lois Charles: That’s $300, Mr. Stone.

Detective Rick Stone: [ gruff ] I’m well aware of that!

Detective Rick Stone V/O: $300! Hell, with that kind of cabbage, I could buy a burrito! Or I could buy a new suit and a burrito. That all-night suit and burrito place over on State Street, called the 5th Street Suit & Burrito Shack Hut. Wait.. that place doesn’t exist. Damn!

Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!

Detective Rick Stone: I’m sorry. I don’t get too many beautiful women in here.

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don’t get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of ’em when I buy ’em and bring ’em here. Ma-a-ann, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that’s made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don’t know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It’s me. It’s cool. Burrito.

Lois Charles: [ getting annoyed ] Mr. Stone! Hello!

Detective Rick Stone: I’m listening, Dame-o. Keep sqawking!

Lois Charles: I said, I think my husband is leaving me!

Detective Rick Stone: I heard ya!

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I did hear her. It’s just, I didn’t know what “husband” or “cheating” meant. Geez, I gotta get a dictionary! I’m still hungry. I’m gonna get rid of this broad, so I can go get a burrito and a suit.

Detective Rick Stone: Alright, darling. Why don’t you just scram, I’ll call you tomorrow with the skinny!

Lois Charles: But you don’t even know what I want you to do yet.

Detective Rick Stone: Oh, I know enough.

[ music sting, as Lois points a gun at Stone ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: What’s that she’s holding? Oh, good, it’s a burrito. No! It’s a gun!

Lois Charles: You know too much, pallie! Now, put your hands up where I can see them! Come on!

Detective Rick Stone: Hey, what gives, lady!

Lois Charles: You don’t even remember me, do you, Stone? Why.. you.. you exposed the affair that I was having with Mayor Blyer! You humiliated me! And now you’ll die!

[ Lois fires a shot, striking Stone ] [ Stone falls to the floor, as Lois makes her getaway ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: It was 12:15 in the naked city, and I had a handful of lead in my belly, courtesy of some crazy dame with a mean streak. The lead wasn’t as filling as a burrito, but I guess for the time being it satisfied my craving for burritos. How long would it last? Based purely on science, I’d say ten minutes. Burrito.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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