SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 10/02/98: Private Eye

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Private Eye

Detective Rick Stone…..Kelsey Grammer
Lois Charles…..Molly Shannon

[ open on black-and-white film noir scene, set inside Detective Rick Stone’s office ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was sitting in a hot office at midnight in the naked city, sipping $2 gin and wondering when my next paycheck was gonna walk through my door. When suddenly..

[ Lois Charles enters the office ]

Lois Charles: Rick Stone?

Detective Rick Stone V/O: did.

Detective Rick Stone: [ rises ] Who wants to know?

Lois Charles: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lois Charles.

Detective Rick Stone: I should tell you, kitten, my services don’t come cheap.

Lois Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, fortunately, I came with a few Benjamin Franklins.

Detective Rick Stone: You keep good company, Blue Eyes. Have a seat.

[ she sits ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was playing it cool. But I couldn’t remember which bill Benjamin Franklin was on. A twenty? Nah.. I think it’s the ten. But still, three of those babies, that’s like $47.

Lois Charles: That’s $300, Mr. Stone.

Detective Rick Stone: [ gruff ] I’m well aware of that!

Detective Rick Stone V/O: $300! Hell, with that kind of cabbage, I could buy a burrito! Or I could buy a new suit and a burrito. That all-night suit and burrito place over on State Street, called the 5th Street Suit & Burrito Shack Hut. Wait.. that place doesn’t exist. Damn!

Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!

Detective Rick Stone: I’m sorry. I don’t get too many beautiful women in here.

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don’t get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of ’em when I buy ’em and bring ’em here. Ma-a-ann, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that’s made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don’t know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It’s me. It’s cool. Burrito.

Lois Charles: [ getting annoyed ] Mr. Stone! Hello!

Detective Rick Stone: I’m listening, Dame-o. Keep sqawking!

Lois Charles: I said, I think my husband is leaving me!

Detective Rick Stone: I heard ya!

Detective Rick Stone V/O: I did hear her. It’s just, I didn’t know what “husband” or “cheating” meant. Geez, I gotta get a dictionary! I’m still hungry. I’m gonna get rid of this broad, so I can go get a burrito and a suit.

Detective Rick Stone: Alright, darling. Why don’t you just scram, I’ll call you tomorrow with the skinny!

Lois Charles: But you don’t even know what I want you to do yet.

Detective Rick Stone: Oh, I know enough.

[ music sting, as Lois points a gun at Stone ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: What’s that she’s holding? Oh, good, it’s a burrito. No! It’s a gun!

Lois Charles: You know too much, pallie! Now, put your hands up where I can see them! Come on!

Detective Rick Stone: Hey, what gives, lady!

Lois Charles: You don’t even remember me, do you, Stone? Why.. you.. you exposed the affair that I was having with Mayor Blyer! You humiliated me! And now you’ll die!

[ Lois fires a shot, striking Stone ] [ Stone falls to the floor, as Lois makes her getaway ]

Detective Rick Stone V/O: It was 12:15 in the naked city, and I had a handful of lead in my belly, courtesy of some crazy dame with a mean streak. The lead wasn’t as filling as a burrito, but I guess for the time being it satisfied my craving for burritos. How long would it last? Based purely on science, I’d say ten minutes. Burrito.

[ fade ]

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