Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 2
Bedtime at the White House
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Bill Clinton: ..the way I see it, I’m gonna set the G7 straight. I’m gonna fix the world economy. Get peace in the Middle East. And then I’m gonna.. bomb.. the hell.. out of Serbia. I am gonna kick some serious ass! [ laughs, bites his lip and holds his thumb out ] What? Yeah, I just bit my lip and did the thumb thing, how’d you know? Ho-oh! No, everything else is great. Really. It seems like the loose ends are finally getting tied up again.. [ looks to the side of the bed ] Ohhh, hi, darling! [ Hillary slams the door and approaches the bed ] I.. uh.. gotta go. [ hangs up phone ] [ Hillary starts to take her robe off, as Bill watches intently. Angry, Hillary tightly double-knots her robe and quickly jumps into her side of the bed ] [ hoping for some sort of response from Hillary, Bill feigns laughter, then shuts it off when he realizes she’s not going to give him any favorable response ][ Bill reaches across the bureau and grabs a copy of the Holy Bible. He switches his gaze back and forth from the Bible to Hillary, pretending to read the Bible ]
Hillary Clinton: [ looking at Bill “reading” the Holy Bible ] Yeah, right![ Bill puts the Holy Bible back on the bureau. With nothing else to do, he picks up the remote control and checks to see what’s on television. ]
Voice on Television: “..And we didn’t have sex, Linda. None. We didn’t have sex.” Tripp: “Well, what do you call it?” Lewinsky: “We fooled around. Having sex is having intercourse.” Tripp: “Ohhh, you’ve been around him too long..”[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..So, by Bill Clinton’s definition, groping in a bar is sex. Oral sex is sex..[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..sexual relationship, unquote, with Monica Lewinsky..[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..The most private details of President Clinton’s sex life..[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..confirming semen on the dress matches..[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin [ laughter ] with a cocktail waitress and stale cigars..[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..on the Weather Channel, the news is still severe storms blowing down in the Gulf region. Pretty much, uh, like Monica was blowing the Presi-..[ Bill quickly turns the television off, Hillary having grown more uncomfortable with every channel switch ] [ Hillary turns the lamp on her side of the bed off ] [ Bill makes one last attempt at reconciliation for the night and reaches over to cuddle with Hillary ]
Hillary Clinton: Nope!
Bill Clinton: [ pulls away and rolls over on his side of the bed. He looks toward the camera and silently whispers.. ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.