SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 10/02/98: Bedtime at the White House


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 2

98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Bedtime at the White House

Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on exterior shot, White House ] [ SUPER: WHITE HOUSE – OCTOBER 3rd, 11:28 p.m. ] [ cut to Clinton bedroom, Bill Clinton in bed talking on phone ]

Bill Clinton: ..the way I see it, I’m gonna set the G7 straight. I’m gonna fix the world economy. Get peace in the Middle East. And then I’m gonna.. bomb.. the hell.. out of Serbia. I am gonna kick some serious ass! [ laughs, bites his lip and holds his thumb out ] What? Yeah, I just bit my lip and did the thumb thing, how’d you know? Ho-oh! No, everything else is great. Really. It seems like the loose ends are finally getting tied up again.. [ looks to the side of the bed ] Ohhh, hi, darling! [ Hillary slams the door and approaches the bed ] I.. uh.. gotta go. [ hangs up phone ] [ Hillary starts to take her robe off, as Bill watches intently. Angry, Hillary tightly double-knots her robe and quickly jumps into her side of the bed ] [ hoping for some sort of response from Hillary, Bill feigns laughter, then shuts it off when he realizes she’s not going to give him any favorable response ]

[ Bill reaches across the bureau and grabs a copy of the Holy Bible. He switches his gaze back and forth from the Bible to Hillary, pretending to read the Bible ]

Hillary Clinton: [ looking at Bill “reading” the Holy Bible ] Yeah, right!

[ Bill puts the Holy Bible back on the bureau. With nothing else to do, he picks up the remote control and checks to see what’s on television. ]

Voice on Television: “..And we didn’t have sex, Linda. None. We didn’t have sex.” Tripp: “Well, what do you call it?” Lewinsky: “We fooled around. Having sex is having intercourse.” Tripp: “Ohhh, you’ve been around him too long..”

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..So, by Bill Clinton’s definition, groping in a bar is sex. Oral sex is sex..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..sexual relationship, unquote, with Monica Lewinsky..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..The most private details of President Clinton’s sex life..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..confirming semen on the dress matches..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin [ laughter ] with a cocktail waitress and stale cigars..

[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]

Voice on Television: ..on the Weather Channel, the news is still severe storms blowing down in the Gulf region. Pretty much, uh, like Monica was blowing the Presi-..

[ Bill quickly turns the television off, Hillary having grown more uncomfortable with every channel switch ] [ Hillary turns the lamp on her side of the bed off ]

[ Bill makes one last attempt at reconciliation for the night and reaches over to cuddle with Hillary ]

Hillary Clinton: Nope!

Bill Clinton: [ pulls away and rolls over on his side of the bed. He looks toward the camera and silently whispers.. ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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