SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 10/02/98: ESPN2 Lumberjack Classic



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  Season 24: Episode 2



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98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

ESPN2 Lumberjack Classic

Vince Thomas…..Kelsey Grammer
Clive Sundstrum…..Will Ferrell
Bill Fromph…..Horatio Sanz
Mitch Weinstein…..Chris Kattan

[ open on ESPN2 graphic ] [ dissolve to Vince Thomas standing in front of a wooded area in Snohomish, Washington ]

Vince Thomas: Welcome back! To ESPN2’s coverage of the 1998 Lumberjack Classic. And I’m here with Vince Thomas, our champion — [ Will Ferrell steps into the frame, confused, as Kelsey stops, gleams at the cue cards and corrects himself ] I’m Vince Thomas, rather. Here with our champion, Clive Sundstrum. [ holds the microphone in front of Ferrell’s face, but he fails to respond still looking dazed. Kelsey grins, then pulls the microphone back. ] Clive, your — [ Kelsey cracks up, as Ferrell, looking disgruntled, begins to walks off-frame ] How does it feel! [ holds the microphone back in Ferrell’s direction ] Come on.

Clive Sundstrum: [ returns to frame ] Uh – well, first of all, I – I have to give thanks to the Lord for blessing me today. Uh – I was swinging great, my cuts were clean, and, with Jesus Christ at my side, I pulled it off.

Vince Thomas: Tell us about the pole-climbing competititon, that is traditionally your weakest event. But, this year, different story!

Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Well, uh – I was halfway up the pole, I was getting kind of tired, and, uh, suddenly, just like He’s done so many times before, Jesus Christ, Eternal Son of God, climbed into my arms.

Vince Thomas: Jesus did?

Clive Sundstrum: Right. Jesus. And, uh – once He was in my arms, I just, uh – zoooom!! – flew right up the pole. That was all Jesus.

Vince Thomas: Okay. Wow! Quite a display.

Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Yeah, I know. Some day He’ll sit in judgement over us all, but.. for now, He’s helping me win lumberjack contests. It’s great to have Him aboard!

Vince Thomas: Well, now, you hit a rough spot in the underhand chopping event —

Clive Sundstrum: Yep.

Vince Thomas: A few mis-hits, you swung an axe handle. What happened?

Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. I gotta say, Jesus really blew that one. Uh.. I know I had a — He had a long day – a plane went down, there was an earthquake somewhere, I think – uh – but I’m trying to win a title here! I can’t afford to have Jesus fall asleep at the wheel! Okay?

Vince Thomas: Yeah. You and Jesus seemed to have pulled it together after that, though?

Clive Sundstrum: Yeah! Good ol’ Jesus. He’s a clutch player! The guy’s a winner. He’s got a lot of heart.

Vince Thomas: Right. Right. Joining us now, is second-place finisher, Bill Fromph, from Grisham, Oregon. Bill. Wow. Touch luck today, huh? What happened?

Bill Fromph: Uh, well – you can’t expect to win a classic like this without a little help from, uh – J.C. on your side. You know? What can I say? I guess, uh, Clive’s always hogging Jesus!

Vince Thomas: Clive, how do you respond to the allegation that you are a Jesus hog?

Clive Sundstrum: Hey! Hey, I’m not the boss of Jesus, okay? If the Son of God wants to help me climb poles and roll dudes off logs – hey, I’m all for it!

Bill Fromph: Hey, that’s a bunch of crap, man! You know – if he gets Jesus, we should get Jesus! Yeah! He always gets all the Jesus! Give us some Jesus!!

Clive Sundstrum: Hey, you shut up!! Don’t make me get Jesus on you!!

Bill Fromph: Alright, alright, I’m cool, bro. I’m cool. [ exits ]

Vince Thomas: [ stunned ] Once again – the power and partisanship of Jesus Christ, reeking havoc here at the Lumberjack Championship. Let’s take a look at the standings.

[ dissolve to the Standings board:

lumberjack classic

1. clive sundstrum/jesus
2. bill fromph
3. jim simpson
4. tim rogers
5. boyd hale
6. grant le saux
7. todd greene
8. mitch weinstein ]

Vince Thomas V/O: As you can see, finishing first is the team of Sundstrum and Christ; Rogers, the Episcopalean, placed fourth; and, once again, coming dead last: Mitch Weinstein.

[ dissolve back to Vince Thomas with Clive Sundstrum and an appropriately-dressed Mitch Weinstein ]

Vince Thomas: Mitch joins us now. Mitch? This has got to hurt, huh?

Mitch Weinstein: Well, uh – I’ve given Yahweh every chance you could ask for, but, uh.. he just wasn’t giving me the juice. [ smiles ] But, uh, the good news is, I found Jesus!

Vince Thomas: Really?

Mitch Weinstein: Yeah! Uh – He was hanging out at the Gatorade booth, and, uh, you know, if all goes well, Jesus might be playing for Team Weinstein next year!

Vince Thomas: Well! Great news! [ chuckles heartily, as Mitch exits ] One mroe question, Clive: You’ve hinted at retirement, will you be back next year?

Clive Sundstrum: Uh – well, I’m gonna relax for a while, maybe Jesus and I will go to a theme park. Well.. then, we’ll see. [ exits ]

Vince Thomas: Encouraging words, from a great champion. That’s it! From the Lumberjack Classic. I’d like to thank.. Jesus Christ, for giving my brain and tongue the strength to conduct this interview. Back after this! [ rolls his eyes ] [ dissolve back to ESPN2 graphic ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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