ESPN2 Lumberjack Classic
Vince Thomas…..Kelsey Grammer
Clive Sundstrum…..Will Ferrell
Bill Fromph…..Horatio Sanz
Mitch Weinstein…..Chris Kattan
[ open on ESPN2 graphic ] [ dissolve to Vince Thomas standing in front of a wooded area in Snohomish, Washington ]
Vince Thomas: Welcome back! To ESPN2’s coverage of the 1998 Lumberjack Classic. And I’m here with Vince Thomas, our champion — [ Will Ferrell steps into the frame, confused, as Kelsey stops, gleams at the cue cards and corrects himself ] I’m Vince Thomas, rather. Here with our champion, Clive Sundstrum. [ holds the microphone in front of Ferrell’s face, but he fails to respond still looking dazed. Kelsey grins, then pulls the microphone back. ] Clive, your — [ Kelsey cracks up, as Ferrell, looking disgruntled, begins to walks off-frame ] How does it feel! [ holds the microphone back in Ferrell’s direction ] Come on.
Clive Sundstrum: [ returns to frame ] Uh – well, first of all, I – I have to give thanks to the Lord for blessing me today. Uh – I was swinging great, my cuts were clean, and, with Jesus Christ at my side, I pulled it off.
Vince Thomas: Tell us about the pole-climbing competititon, that is traditionally your weakest event. But, this year, different story!
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Well, uh – I was halfway up the pole, I was getting kind of tired, and, uh, suddenly, just like He’s done so many times before, Jesus Christ, Eternal Son of God, climbed into my arms.
Vince Thomas: Jesus did?
Clive Sundstrum: Right. Jesus. And, uh – once He was in my arms, I just, uh – zoooom!! – flew right up the pole. That was all Jesus.
Vince Thomas: Okay. Wow! Quite a display.
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Yeah, I know. Some day He’ll sit in judgement over us all, but.. for now, He’s helping me win lumberjack contests. It’s great to have Him aboard!
Vince Thomas: Well, now, you hit a rough spot in the underhand chopping event —
Clive Sundstrum: Yep.
Vince Thomas: A few mis-hits, you swung an axe handle. What happened?
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. I gotta say, Jesus really blew that one. Uh.. I know I had a — He had a long day – a plane went down, there was an earthquake somewhere, I think – uh – but I’m trying to win a title here! I can’t afford to have Jesus fall asleep at the wheel! Okay?
Vince Thomas: Yeah. You and Jesus seemed to have pulled it together after that, though?
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah! Good ol’ Jesus. He’s a clutch player! The guy’s a winner. He’s got a lot of heart.
Vince Thomas: Right. Right. Joining us now, is second-place finisher, Bill Fromph, from Grisham, Oregon. Bill. Wow. Touch luck today, huh? What happened?
Bill Fromph: Uh, well – you can’t expect to win a classic like this without a little help from, uh – J.C. on your side. You know? What can I say? I guess, uh, Clive’s always hogging Jesus!
Vince Thomas: Clive, how do you respond to the allegation that you are a Jesus hog?
Clive Sundstrum: Hey! Hey, I’m not the boss of Jesus, okay? If the Son of God wants to help me climb poles and roll dudes off logs – hey, I’m all for it!
Bill Fromph: Hey, that’s a bunch of crap, man! You know – if he gets Jesus, we should get Jesus! Yeah! He always gets all the Jesus! Give us some Jesus!!
Clive Sundstrum: Hey, you shut up!! Don’t make me get Jesus on you!!
Bill Fromph: Alright, alright, I’m cool, bro. I’m cool. [ exits ]
Vince Thomas: [ stunned ] Once again – the power and partisanship of Jesus Christ, reeking havoc here at the Lumberjack Championship. Let’s take a look at the standings.[ dissolve to the Standings board:
1. clive sundstrum/jesus
2. bill fromph
3. jim simpson
4. tim rogers
5. boyd hale
6. grant le saux
7. todd greene
8. mitch weinstein ]
Vince Thomas V/O: As you can see, finishing first is the team of Sundstrum and Christ; Rogers, the Episcopalean, placed fourth; and, once again, coming dead last: Mitch Weinstein.[ dissolve back to Vince Thomas with Clive Sundstrum and an appropriately-dressed Mitch Weinstein ]
Vince Thomas: Mitch joins us now. Mitch? This has got to hurt, huh?
Mitch Weinstein: Well, uh – I’ve given Yahweh every chance you could ask for, but, uh.. he just wasn’t giving me the juice. [ smiles ] But, uh, the good news is, I found Jesus!
Vince Thomas: Really?
Mitch Weinstein: Yeah! Uh – He was hanging out at the Gatorade booth, and, uh, you know, if all goes well, Jesus might be playing for Team Weinstein next year!
Vince Thomas: Well! Great news! [ chuckles heartily, as Mitch exits ] One mroe question, Clive: You’ve hinted at retirement, will you be back next year?
Clive Sundstrum: Uh – well, I’m gonna relax for a while, maybe Jesus and I will go to a theme park. Well.. then, we’ll see. [ exits ]
Vince Thomas: Encouraging words, from a great champion. That’s it! From the Lumberjack Classic. I’d like to thank.. Jesus Christ, for giving my brain and tongue the strength to conduct this interview. Back after this! [ rolls his eyes ] [ dissolve back to ESPN2 graphic ] [ fade ]