Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Tropical Storm Georges … Kelsey Grammer
Colin Quinn: [in brown suit, standing before WUsodium screen where newspaper graphics and WU iconsfloat in and out of view pointlessly] Ooh! The bigstory this week: more documents released in theClinton and Lewinsky scandal. Actually, that is NOTthe big story this week. It’s just the story thatpeople talk about because the real stories are toofrightening. The story should be about the imminentcollapse of the global economy. Russia and Brazil arebroke. They wanna borrow money. The IMF says thatJapan will have its worst recession since World WarII.
And now, this week, our administration makes a bigannouncement that we have a seventy billion dollarsurplus. Why is that in the news? They should shut up.We shouldn’t be talking about our surplus when allthese countries are tapped out. You know how when yourfriend wants to borrow money and you have to pleadpoverty? … Our country should be like, “Nah, man,I’m broke, too. Yeah. … Ah, I gotta pay for thosehurricanes. You know, why don’t you ask Germany? Iheard they just got a new Chancellor. Ask India, theyjust did nuclear testing, you know? Ask Canada, theydon’t have anything fun to do with their money. Itjust sits there, you know?”
But it’s scary talking about a real problem so,instead, we talk about the White House soap opera,squeeze every last stupid irrelevant detail out of thebig sex scandal. “What was she wearing? — ooooh!” Ourcountry’s a bunch of junior high school kids passingnotes to each other right now. “Ooh, he likes EleanorMondale! Ewwww!” You know, following politics used tomean knowing which congressman voted for Farm Aid.Now, it means knowing what color the thong was, allright? Although, I will be the first to admit ifEleanor Mondale gets in the mix in this, I will find arenewed interest in this case, all right? She’s gonnabring new life to this like when Alyssa Milano joined”Melrose Place,” all right?
[Music, dissolve to WU montage]
Announcer V/O: And now, from the news capitalof the world, it’s Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.
[GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN QUINN – Dissolveto Colin at WU desk. Cheers and applause.]
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God! Oh, folks, no! Thankyou. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.
Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week todetermine whether she tampered with a tapedconversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The testsshowed that every answer she gave was truthful, exceptone: “200 pounds.” … Ah, all right.
Kenneth Starr — some people are still calling thisguy, by the way, the “Whitewater special prosecutor”– Kenneth Starr. Hey, when’s the last time you heardthis guy talk about the Whitewater Scandal? Isn’t thiskind of like saying “Heisman Trophy winner O.J.Simpson”? … [delayed applause] Thanks, folks. Came alittle late.
Another former White House intern was arrested in NewYork for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judgetold the woman, “Hey, go pick on somebody your ownsize.” …
Upon his retirement, former White House PressSecretary Mike McCurry received a call from SenatorKennedy congratulating him on his seventy home runs…. [some applause]
U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close tobuilding a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. willsoon be bombing the crap out of Iraq. … That’s whatit means.
Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping thedeath sentence on Salman Rushdie. Then, this week,they announced that the death sentence still stood.Rushdie’s reaction will be seen on Iran’s hit show”Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes.” …[some applause]
In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafatagreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occuras soon as mid-October. When these two guys gettogether they have disagreements. But one thing theyall agree on – is that the room smells a little funky….
While Hurricane Georges has been downgraded to a”tropical storm,” it has already set records as thelongest, rainiest storm of the season. In a dramaticdevelopment, Weekend Update has captured the followingsatellite images of Tropical Storm Georges.
[Cut to Georges, a sophisticated French gentlemancomplete with slicked back hair, mustache, ascot, apurple robe, champagne glass, cigarette and holder. Hesits on a yellow sofa with a poodle as noisy windblows and huge storm clouds race by in the background.SUPER: LIVE / VIA SATELLITE — 2ND SUPER: TropicalStorm Georges]
Tropical Storm Georges: [thick French accent]Ah, bonsoir, mes amis! I am Tropical Storm Georges…. The most beautiful and sensuous of all the severeweather systems. My actual birth name is Jean FrancoisGeorges Le Grand. But the stupid National WeatherService shortened it to “Georges.” They have no class.They are just jealous. The Weather Service is nothingto me, I spit on them. [spits] You see, that justcaused a flash flood in Mississippi [pronounced “Massa sappy”]. Like I was saying, when Georges decides toinvade an American city, it’s not just a storm — itis art. Every power failure I cause is like the strokeof a brush on a canvas. Every time– Every telephonepole I overturn is like a fresh dish of coq auvin — with a petit side of camembert.Every airport I close is like making passionate loveto a woman named Dominique. You stupidAmericains with your lust for money, your festfood and your Brian Benben. [shakes his head withdisgust] Ha ha! … How I long to destroy you. Aurevoir, Colin!
[Cut back to Colin at the desk.]
Colin Quinn: Ah, that was Tropical StormGeorges … [applause] confirming many of our worststereotypes of the French. Tropical Storm Georges,everyone, urrgghh!
Last week, “Rush Hour,” starring Jackie Chan and ChrisTucker, was the number one movie at the box officeagain, making it the most lucrative Black-Asiancombination since Tiger Woods. … [applause]
In an attempt – an attempt to bring Gen X-ers tobowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordanto hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowlingwhat he did for baseball. …
Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter,Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated,”Ringo wasn’t available. He was busy workin’ a prom.”…
Some more bad economic news: the Gillette company hasannounced that they’re going to cut forty-sevenhundred employees. Here’s how it will work: [dissolveto animated footage from an old Gillette commercial ofrazor blades cutting a hair off a man’s face] Thefirst blade cuts the most recent hires … [firstblade cuts the hair – “300”] The second blade cutsanyone nearing their pension … [second blade cutsthe hair – “4399”] And the third blade cuts the guywho tagged out the boss at the company softball game…. [third blade cuts the hair completely – “1” -Dissolve back to Colin at the desk.]
[Photo of John Gotti, Jr.] John “Junior” Gotti wasreleased on ten million dollars bail to house arrestin his Long Island home this week. He’s required towear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most peopleagree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he’s everworn. …
I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ toit. Buh-bye..
[Colin waves. Cheers, applause, music. Pull back andfade out.]