SNL Transcripts: Lucy Lawless: 10/17/98: Judge Judy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Judge Judy

Judge Judy/Herself…..Cheri Oteri
Burt the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Ms. Diamond…..Lucy Lawless
Ms. Gilliard…..Ana Gasteyer
The Real Judge Judy…..Judge Judith Sheindlin

Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheinlin.The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This isher courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

Burt the Bailiff: Order! All rise

Announcer: Professional children’s clown Rashael Diamond is suing JoyceGilliard for the amount of $300 for services rendered at her son’s birthdayparty.

Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 178, Gilliard vs.Diamond. The parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: Did you see the game tonight, Burt?

Burt the Bailiff: Looks like the Yankees gonna put the Padres to bed, judge.

Judge Judy: Well, you better hope they win World Series cause I got yourpaycheck riding on it.

Burt the Bailiff: [ laughs ]

Judge Judy: I’m serious. Ok. I’m Judge Judy and I’m tough.

Burt the Bailiff: She’s judicious.

Judge Judy: But I’m all woman.

Burt the Bailiff: She’s delicious.

Judge Judy: Ok, let’s see what you have here. Ms. Gilliard why don’t youtell me what happened at your son’s birthday party.

Ms. Gilliard: Well your honor, this woman claims to be a professionalclown. She came to my son Richard’s birthday party and proceeded to carryon like Madonna at a frat house.

Ms. Diamond: Excuse me. I was paid to entertain the kids. We danced,played games, ate cake. No one got hurt. End of story.

Judge Judy: Hey, I got a story for you. It’s called the day I killed thewhore clown. Zip it. Continue madam [ to Ms. Gilliard ].

Ms. Gilliard: Well, first of all, your honor, my sweet little boy willnever be the same after playing her version of pin the tail on the donkey.

Ms. Diamond: No big deal. I couldn’t find a damn donkey so I had the kidsput tails on my butt. An ass is an ass, am I right?

Judge Judy: [ to Ms. Diamond ] Hey, look at me. Look at me. Ok. I’ll takea pig to the butcher when I want to eat baloney. Ok? Got it? You got it?

Burt the Bailiff: Hot judge, cold cuts.

Judge Judy: Ok, now Ms. Diamond, what sort of training do you have as aclown? What’s your background.

Ms. Diamond: I never took no courses, but my mother really encouraged me.Whenever the circus came to town she would drop me off and leave me fordays.

Ms. Gilliard: Hmmm… is that where your mother uh taught you how to makethose disgusting animal balloons?

Ms. Diamond: No, they are my own design, tight-ass.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! I’m the only tight ass in this courtroom. Righthere. The only tight ass. All right, Ms. Diamond, let’s see some of thesedesigns.

Ms. Diamond: Oh fine! [ puts an animal balloon on her head which looks likea penis and balls ] Look your honor! I’m an elephant. I never forget. Inever forget. I never forget [ to Ms. Gilliard ].

Ms. Gilliard: You should see her petting zoo.

Ms. Diamond: And you should be in it you big fat cow.

Ms. Gilliard: I am big boned! Did you hear that your honor?

Judge Judy: Ok, listen mighty mouth. I got a foot long clown shoe withyour name on it. Right here. Ok? Understood?

Ms. Diamond: Sorry.

Judge Judy: [ yelling ] Hey understood, head of wood?

Ms. Diamond: Your honor, all that I ask is an opportunity to demonstrate mygift.

Judge Judy: Ok, Clarabelle. I got this thin a patience [ motions withfingers ]. Quick. Let’s see some clowning.

Ms. Diamond: Ok your honor! Hey, the kids really love me. [ puts on clownhair and a red nose, turns on music, gets a honky horn, and begins dancingprovocatively near Bailiff Burt while honking the horn ]

Burt the Bailiff: Hahahaha! Yeaaaahh!! Hahaha! Judge, she’s hilarious!Yeaaahh!

Judge Judy: [ slamming her hand down on her desk ] Burt!

Burt the Bailiff: That ain’t funny.

Judge Judy: Ok that’s it. I don’t know whether, I don’t know whether toclap or put a dollar in her panties. The show’s over. Show’s over. I’mready to rule.

[ The Real Judge Judy enters the courtroom ]

The Real Judge Judy: That’s it. I’ve seen enough, Cheri. Get up.

Cheri Oteri: I, but I, but I, I..

The Real Judge Judy: [ putting a hand on Cheri’s shoulder ] Get your bony assout of my chair. Get up. [ Cheri moves and the real Judge Judy sits down ]Watch and listen. Get your bony ass out of my chair, baby.

Cheri Oteri: Okay..

The Real Judge Judy: Good girl. Now watch and listen cause I’m ready torule.

Cheri Oteri: Okay.

Burt the Bailiff: The real deal is ready to rule.

The Real Judge Judy: Now I’ve come across a lot of numbnuts in my day, butMs. Gilliard [ rolls eyes ] you are right up there.

Cheri Oteri: She up there, there, she’s..

The Real Judge Judy: Not now, Cheri. Not now. Ms. Diamond here has anentrepreneurial spirit, she has a devotion of craft. And a wonderful wayof children. She may have a little trouble getting the first olive out ofthe jar, but her fierce determination, her beauty, and great legs, remindme of myself when I was just starting out.

Ms. Gilliard: This is ludicrous.

The Real Judge Judy: Hey! but, but, but, but, but, but-

Cheri Oteri: Hey but, but, but, but, but, but, but! Got your back.

The Real Judge Judy: [ to Cheri ] Now you got it. Now you got it. [ to Ms.Gilliard ] You keep your trap shut and get a life. You know you weregetting this woman what she was as soon as she walked in to the door.

Ms. Gilliard: She was wearing a coat, your honor!

The Real Judge Judy: Listen, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.Court rules in favor of the plaintiff. Now Cheri, let’s go talk aboutthose eyebrows.

Cheri Oteri: It wasn’t my idea, I swear. It was the makeupdepartment’s idea.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Christine

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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