Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 3
98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith
Terrance Maddox
Terrance Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Teacher…..Lucy Lawless
Guy #1…..Tim Meadows
Woman # 1…..Cheri Oteri
Woman #2…..Ana Gasteyer
(opens to Morris County Community College)
Teacher: All right class now tonight we are going to work with the most demanding subject there is for sculpters. The human body. Unfortuanately the model I use couldn’t make it, but I do have a replacement – his name is Terrance Maddox, Terrance come on down.
(Terrance Maddox walks wearing a robe)
Teacher: Whenever you’re ready Mr. Maddox.
(Maddox takes off the robe)
Terrance Maddox: Alright! Let’s start the bidding at $100 shall we. 100, 100, 100. Ooh 1000 going once, going twice, sold to the gentleman in the front row for 100 million dollars.
Guy #1: Eugh!
Teacher: Mr. Maddox!
Terrance Maddox: I think I’ve made my point.
Teacher: Now! Mr. Maddox, We are studying Roman-Greek sculptures so we are hoping to get you into a classical pose.
Terrance Maddox: Hey Ladies, it’s your money you can do whatever you want.
Teacher: Strike a pose Mr. Maddox.
Terrance Maddox: Allright! I’ve got two poses to choose from – The Thinker and The Stinker. (Terrance Maddox bends over)
Teacher: Please! Mr. Maddox these students are going to be tested.
Terrance Maddox: That’s cool! I just took a test this morning.
Teacher: Wonderful!
Terrance Maddox: Yeah at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass too. I got an A, two B’s, and a C.
Woman #1: Oh my God!
Terrance Maddox: But don’t tell the sixth street blood bank! Wink! Hey how’s this for a short story. A guy can’t sell his blood cause he’s got hepatitis, but he can’t afford hepatitis medicine unless he sells his blood. So he poses nude in art classes. Plus one time he did it with a dead guy.
Teacher: Alright! Alright! Let’s just get through this. I want you to study Mr. Maddox, as unpleasant as that may seem. Take him in, search his body with your eyes.
Woman #2: Oh my God!
Guy #1: Oh look at that. Oh.
Woman #1: Oh my gosh.
Terrance Maddox: Oh Oh.. Mighty Kong has woken from his slumber. It looks like it’s time for a POP quiz. But apparently I’m grading on a curve.
Guy #1: I can’t take this.
Terrance Maddox: But if life hands you lemons you might as well make lemonade. And I’ve been waiting to make lemonade all day.
Teacher: Alright! that is it this is to disgusting. Mr. Maddox I want you to get your things and get out.
(Terrance Maddox starts crying and coughing)
Teacher: Mr. Maddox! Please stop! I have to do something. I’m very sorry, but you’ll have to go.
Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not wanted. But before I go I’ve got something to say to you people. You talk about ancient beauty and life forms, but if you asked me you wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot waiting to give you hepatitis. Which it will be ten minutes from now. Good day to you.
(Maddox exits the classroom)
(Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better” pplays over various sculptures the students made of Terrance, up to poses of him crying)
Terrance Maddox: (winks at camera and touches his eyelid) Wink!
Submitted by: Charles Spivey
