Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 3
98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith
MSNBC: Crisis in the White House
Linda Carroll…..Ana Gasteyer
Elizabeth Gerber…..Cheri Oteri
Melanie Corlan…..Lucy Lawless
Sharon Watts…..Molly Shannon
Linda Carroll: Welcome back. If you’re just joining us, we’re in our second hour of discussing the Clinton marriage. Liz, you raised a very interesting question before the break: Are Bill and Hillary Clinton really in love, or is this just a marriage of convenience?
Elizabeth Gerber: This marriage is obviously a political arrangement. I mean, these people are definitely not in love.
Melanie Corlan: Come on. These two were college sweethearts. That’s a long time.
Sharon Watts: Well, you know, they’ve described that marriage as a partnership. Well, whatever that partnership is, it’s on shaky ground.
Linda Carroll: You know, I guess the political question on everyone’s mind is, “Do they still do it?”
Sharon Watts: I absolutely believe they still do it.
Elizabeth Gerber: No. Get real. I mean, I bet they’ve never had sex. I bet they’ve never even made out!
Melanie Corlan: Liz, they’ve made out. They have a daughter. Where do you think she came from – a daughter kit?[ the four women laugh amongst themselves ]
Linda Carroll: Do you think Hillary Clinton is pretty?
Melanie Corlan: She is definitely pretty.
Elizabeth Gerber: Aw, come on. That left wing feminist propoganda? She’s not that cute!
Melanie Corlan: She has a very pretty face.
Linda Carroll: Sharon?
Sharon Watts: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Well.. not to sound like the President or anything, but it really depends how you define “pretty”. She’s not, like, model pretty, you know? But, on a scale of 1 to 10 – if 1 was, like, the Cryptkeeper, and 10 was, like, Jennifer Love Hewitt – I’d say she’s, like, uh.. a 6 or a 7.
Linda Carroll: I think she’s the kind of pretty where, if you didn’t know her, she wouldn’t catch your eye.. but, if she were your friend, you’d be, like, “Oh! She’s totally pretty!”
Elizabeth Gerber: Linda, look at the facts, okay? [ circles and draws over photo of Hillary ] I mean, she has thick ankles, she’s too brainy, she does not look good in a bathing suit..
Linda Carroll: You’re a good drawer! You’re a really good drawer!
Elizabeth Gerber: Thank you!
Sharon Watts: You guys! You guys think they’re gonna break up?
Melanie Corlan: No way! They are such an awesome couple!
Elizabeth Gerber: They’re gonna break up.. so fast.. that I think he’s gonna ask Monica out again – hello?!
Sharon Watts: Hey, can I play with your hair?
Elizabeth Gerber: Uh huh!
Linda Carroll: Of course, one question remains: if you guys had to rate all the Clinton Scandal boys by cuteness, who would be first?
Elizabeth Gerber: Definitely not Kenneth Starr! [ the girls giggle and chatter ]
Melanie Corlan: I guess I would say that Kenneth Starr is at the bottom; then Henry Hyde; then, Sidney Brumenthal; then, President Clinton; then, #1, would have to be.. Vernon Jordan! [ holds up notebook with Vernon’s name and pictures all over ] [ the women, now dressed in pajamas and nighties, all chatter about how cute Vernon Jordan is ]
Sharon Watts: A friend of mine says she knows him, and she says he’s really sweet.
Linda Carroll: Awwww… ohh, that’s so sweet..!
Sharon Watts: We should call him..[ the women go into shock, tempting themselves to do it ]
Elizabeth Gerber: I have his number! I have his number! [ she dials the phone and giggles ] Oh, it’s ringing! Oh, my God! [ on the phone ] Hello? Is Vernon there? [ the girls giggle ] Uh.. hi. Do you know who this is? [ the girls giggle some more ] No? Well, look at us on MSNBC!
Sharon Watts: Oh, my God! Hang up! Hang up! Hang up!
[ Elizabeth hangs up the phone, the girls can’t stop giggling ]
Melanie Corlan: You, guys, this is, like, so fun! I just wish I wasn’t via satellite!
Sharon Watts: I knowww.. I brought all this face glitter!
Elizabeth Gerber: [ shines a flashlight into her face ] Come to me.. Bloody Mary..
Linda Carroll: [ screams ] Oh, my God! Don’t! Don’t!
Melanie Corlan: You guys? Don’t tell Diane Sawyer, but you’re my new best friends![ the girls sigh happily ]
Linda Carroll: [ to camera ] Well, stay tuned to “White House in Crisis”, because we are going to be up all night long. We are not going to sleep! [ she places a retainer into her mouth ]
Melanie Corlan: I may be via satellite, but if any of you guys fall asleep, I am going to stick your hand in warm water![ fade to black as Elizabeth lays across the desk and begins to “levitate” ]