SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/24/98: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

TV Funhouse

[TV Funhouse intro plays] [Cut to a picture of the perfect family: mom, dad, two kids]

Announcer: This is the Family Christian Value Network.

[ Caption: Family Christian Value Network. ] [ A man in a business suit holding a Bible crashes through and flies above the city]

Jingle: “Heteroy! Heteroy! He’ll convert every fairy boy!”

[Heteroy shines a light from the Bible and converts a leather gay man into a respectable young preppie]

“Anal sex? Not too late!”

[Heteroy shines the light on a bald gay man in a tank top holding a dildo, converting him into a manly guy wearing a New York Yankees jacket and a baseball bat]

“He can switch from gay to straight!”

[Two guys kissing get the light and they turn into movers lifting a fridge]

“Homos! Clearly you have a hang-up, no need to get your wang-up…”

[The devil directs a line of gay guys dancing on Broadway, Heteroy shines the light and they all turn into manly guys beating the crap out of each other]

“…send in for Heteroy!”

[Heteroy stands in front of his logo. Heroic pose, cape waves in the wind]

Announcer: A crisp autumn day in Salt River as Roy Fletcher and his fellow ex-gay coalition crusaders search for sin.

[Roy, Eric and Drew walk down the street in their business suits]

Eric: …and when I came home my heterosexual wife was wearing a wonderbra.

Roy: That would sure arouse me, Eric.

Drew: Praise God!

Roy: Brothers, sinner at 3:00.

[A biker dressed in pink comes down the street]

Drew: Holy Bible! It’s a bike enthusiast!

Roy: Where there’s spokes, there’s sodomy. Let’s go!

[The trio surrender the gay man on the bike]

Roy: Friend, renounce thy satanic fellatic ways.

Eric: Our ex-gay ministry can steer you toward the glory of female genitals!

Gay biker: What? But I’m gay. You don’t change who you are.

Drew: Huh, well, maybe…

Roy: Don’t weaken, Drew! The gay lifestyle is one of perversion, promiscuity and cigarette smoking.

Eric: Our conversion therapy can save you. You’ll learn all about watching heterosexual sports. Like professional football playing.

[Eric shows the gay guy photos of football players but with their asses and crotches blacked out]

Drew: Ten hut!

Roy: And we’ll provide you with an ex-lesbian wife to ease your transition from your self-destructive ways.

[Roy shows the gay guy 3 pictures of ugly, fat ex-lesbians]

Eric: The biker is saved!

Drew: We are saved!

[The trio, Bible in hand, dances around the gay man on the bike and sing]

Roy, Eric and Drew: [singing] “Thank you, thank you Lord…from keeping my anus clean. Thank you, thank you Lord that I am not a queen….I was entering from behind but then you cleansed my mind. Thanks to you my anus is…”

Gay Biker: Shut up!

[Gay biker kicks Eric out of the way and runs away on his bike]

Eric: He’s getting away!

Roy: Hmmm, excuse me for a moment.

[Roy hides behind a mailbox and comes out as Heteroy]

Announcer: Using the awesome super colossal power of the Lord, Roy Fletcher becomes Heteroy!

HeteRoy: Gay away!

[Heteroy flies]

Drew: [points to the sky] It’s Heteroy!

Eric: [pointing towards the gay biker] He’s heading to a side street!

[Heteroy shines the light from the Bible and turns the bike of the gay biker into a tractor]

Gay biker: Hey!

HeteRoy: That’ll slow him down. Now to straighten him out.

[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker who holds up the Cabaret album that turns into a Penthouse]

Gay biker: Aaaahh!

[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker in pink turning him into a manly guy in a business suit and a flatop haircut]

Ex-gay biker: What happened? Don’t…crave…men.

[Roy returns]

Roy: It looks like Heteroy was here.

Eric: You missed it, Roy. Heteroy saved another brother from gay hell.

Ex-gay biker: I feel great. I don’t even feel like smoking cigarettes.

Roy: Or anything else.

[They all share a manly laugh]

Jingle: “Don’t need to get your wang up…send in for Heteroy!”

[Heteroy logo] [TV Funhouse logo] [fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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