SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/24/98: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

TV Funhouse

[TV Funhouse intro plays] [Cut to a picture of the perfect family: mom, dad, two kids]

Announcer: This is the Family Christian Value Network.

[ Caption: Family Christian Value Network. ] [ A man in a business suit holding a Bible crashes through and flies above the city]

Jingle: “Heteroy! Heteroy! He’ll convert every fairy boy!”

[Heteroy shines a light from the Bible and converts a leather gay man into a respectable young preppie]

“Anal sex? Not too late!”

[Heteroy shines the light on a bald gay man in a tank top holding a dildo, converting him into a manly guy wearing a New York Yankees jacket and a baseball bat]

“He can switch from gay to straight!”

[Two guys kissing get the light and they turn into movers lifting a fridge]

“Homos! Clearly you have a hang-up, no need to get your wang-up…”

[The devil directs a line of gay guys dancing on Broadway, Heteroy shines the light and they all turn into manly guys beating the crap out of each other]

“…send in for Heteroy!”

[Heteroy stands in front of his logo. Heroic pose, cape waves in the wind]

Announcer: A crisp autumn day in Salt River as Roy Fletcher and his fellow ex-gay coalition crusaders search for sin.

[Roy, Eric and Drew walk down the street in their business suits]

Eric: …and when I came home my heterosexual wife was wearing a wonderbra.

Roy: That would sure arouse me, Eric.

Drew: Praise God!

Roy: Brothers, sinner at 3:00.

[A biker dressed in pink comes down the street]

Drew: Holy Bible! It’s a bike enthusiast!

Roy: Where there’s spokes, there’s sodomy. Let’s go!

[The trio surrender the gay man on the bike]

Roy: Friend, renounce thy satanic fellatic ways.

Eric: Our ex-gay ministry can steer you toward the glory of female genitals!

Gay biker: What? But I’m gay. You don’t change who you are.

Drew: Huh, well, maybe…

Roy: Don’t weaken, Drew! The gay lifestyle is one of perversion, promiscuity and cigarette smoking.

Eric: Our conversion therapy can save you. You’ll learn all about watching heterosexual sports. Like professional football playing.

[Eric shows the gay guy photos of football players but with their asses and crotches blacked out]

Drew: Ten hut!

Roy: And we’ll provide you with an ex-lesbian wife to ease your transition from your self-destructive ways.

[Roy shows the gay guy 3 pictures of ugly, fat ex-lesbians]

Eric: The biker is saved!

Drew: We are saved!

[The trio, Bible in hand, dances around the gay man on the bike and sing]

Roy, Eric and Drew: [singing] “Thank you, thank you Lord…from keeping my anus clean. Thank you, thank you Lord that I am not a queen….I was entering from behind but then you cleansed my mind. Thanks to you my anus is…”

Gay Biker: Shut up!

[Gay biker kicks Eric out of the way and runs away on his bike]

Eric: He’s getting away!

Roy: Hmmm, excuse me for a moment.

[Roy hides behind a mailbox and comes out as Heteroy]

Announcer: Using the awesome super colossal power of the Lord, Roy Fletcher becomes Heteroy!

HeteRoy: Gay away!

[Heteroy flies]

Drew: [points to the sky] It’s Heteroy!

Eric: [pointing towards the gay biker] He’s heading to a side street!

[Heteroy shines the light from the Bible and turns the bike of the gay biker into a tractor]

Gay biker: Hey!

HeteRoy: That’ll slow him down. Now to straighten him out.

[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker who holds up the Cabaret album that turns into a Penthouse]

Gay biker: Aaaahh!

[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker in pink turning him into a manly guy in a business suit and a flatop haircut]

Ex-gay biker: What happened? Don’t…crave…men.

[Roy returns]

Roy: It looks like Heteroy was here.

Eric: You missed it, Roy. Heteroy saved another brother from gay hell.

Ex-gay biker: I feel great. I don’t even feel like smoking cigarettes.

Roy: Or anything else.

[They all share a manly laugh]

Jingle: “Don’t need to get your wang up…send in for Heteroy!”

[Heteroy logo] [TV Funhouse logo] [fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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