Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 4
[TV Funhouse intro plays] [Cut to a picture of the perfect family: mom, dad, two kids]
Announcer: This is the Family Christian Value Network.[ Caption: Family Christian Value Network. ] [ A man in a business suit holding a Bible crashes through and flies above the city]
Jingle: “Heteroy! Heteroy! He’ll convert every fairy boy!”[Heteroy shines a light from the Bible and converts a leather gay man into a respectable young preppie]
“Anal sex? Not too late!”
“He can switch from gay to straight!”[Two guys kissing get the light and they turn into movers lifting a fridge]
“Homos! Clearly you have a hang-up, no need to get your wang-up…”[The devil directs a line of gay guys dancing on Broadway, Heteroy shines the light and they all turn into manly guys beating the crap out of each other]
“…send in for Heteroy!”[Heteroy stands in front of his logo. Heroic pose, cape waves in the wind]
Announcer: A crisp autumn day in Salt River as Roy Fletcher and his fellow ex-gay coalition crusaders search for sin.[Roy, Eric and Drew walk down the street in their business suits]
Eric: …and when I came home my heterosexual wife was wearing a wonderbra.
Roy: That would sure arouse me, Eric.
Drew: Praise God!
Roy: Brothers, sinner at 3:00.[A biker dressed in pink comes down the street]
Drew: Holy Bible! It’s a bike enthusiast!
Roy: Where there’s spokes, there’s sodomy. Let’s go![The trio surrender the gay man on the bike]
Roy: Friend, renounce thy satanic fellatic ways.
Eric: Our ex-gay ministry can steer you toward the glory of female genitals!
Gay biker: What? But I’m gay. You don’t change who you are.
Drew: Huh, well, maybe…
Roy: Don’t weaken, Drew! The gay lifestyle is one of perversion, promiscuity and cigarette smoking.
Eric: Our conversion therapy can save you. You’ll learn all about watching heterosexual sports. Like professional football playing.[Eric shows the gay guy photos of football players but with their asses and crotches blacked out]
Drew: Ten hut!
Roy: And we’ll provide you with an ex-lesbian wife to ease your transition from your self-destructive ways.[Roy shows the gay guy 3 pictures of ugly, fat ex-lesbians]
Eric: The biker is saved!
Drew: We are saved![The trio, Bible in hand, dances around the gay man on the bike and sing]
Roy, Eric and Drew: [singing] “Thank you, thank you Lord…from keeping my anus clean. Thank you, thank you Lord that I am not a queen….I was entering from behind but then you cleansed my mind. Thanks to you my anus is…”
Gay Biker: Shut up!
Eric: He’s getting away!
Roy: Hmmm, excuse me for a moment.[Roy hides behind a mailbox and comes out as Heteroy]
Announcer: Using the awesome super colossal power of the Lord, Roy Fletcher becomes Heteroy!
HeteRoy: Gay away![Heteroy flies]
Drew: [points to the sky] It’s Heteroy!
Eric: [pointing towards the gay biker] He’s heading to a side street![Heteroy shines the light from the Bible and turns the bike of the gay biker into a tractor]
Gay biker: Hey!
HeteRoy: That’ll slow him down. Now to straighten him out.[Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker who holds up the Cabaret album that turns into a Penthouse]
Gay biker: Aaaahh![Heteroy shines the light on the gay biker in pink turning him into a manly guy in a business suit and a flatop haircut]
Ex-gay biker: What happened? Don’t…crave…men.[Roy returns]
Roy: It looks like Heteroy was here.
Eric: You missed it, Roy. Heteroy saved another brother from gay hell.
Ex-gay biker: I feel great. I don’t even feel like smoking cigarettes.
Roy: Or anything else.[They all share a manly laugh]
Jingle: “Don’t need to get your wang up…send in for Heteroy!”[Heteroy logo] [TV Funhouse logo] [fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel