SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/24/98: Rooftop Kung-Fu Fight


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

Rooftop Kung-Fu Fight

…..Ben Stiller
…..Lorne Michaels

[Opens with Ben Stiller smoking a cigarette on top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza admiring the city view at night]

Ben Stiller: Mmmm…[blows smoke] New York, you sweet lady. I’m back and I win this time cause I’m hosting! Yeah! You hear me New York?! I win. Me. Little Benji Stiller. How do you like me now?

Lorne Michaels: Stiller, what are you doing? It’s time to start the show.

Ben Stiller: Oh, hey Lorne. [throws cigarette to the floor] Remember me? Used to be a featured cast member on your show about ten years ago? Used to cut all my pieces at dress? Yeah. Well guess what? I get to cut you!

Lorne Michaels: Damn it, Stiller. This isn’t the time.

Ben Stiller: [aggressive] Oh, I say it is the time, old man.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah?

Ben Stiller: Yeah!

Lorne Michaels: Then come get some.

Ben Stiller: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

[Ben rushes into Lorne and he knees him twice in the stomach. Stiller ducks a wild swing from Lorne and goes between Lorne’s legs. Stiller and Lorne exchange high flying karate kicks, Stiller rolls in the ground, gets up and gives a backhand fist to Lorne and a kick. They stare at each other with their guards up]

Lorne Michaels: You have grown strong, Ben Stiller.

Ben Stiller: You taught me well. Perhaps too well. [karate yell] [Stiller headbutts Lorne and pushes him very near the edge of the building]

Lorne Michaels: Don’t do this! I have money. I can make you rich.

Ben Stiller: It’s too late for that!

Lorne Michaels: Wait, Ben. Benjamin…listen to me.

Ben Stiller: What?!

Lorne Michaels: I am your father.

Ben Stiller: [anguished] Noooooooo!!!!!

[Lorne lifts him up and throws him from the rooftop]

Lorne Michaels: I know he’s gonna be late for the monologue.

[Ben falling towards the ground]


[opening montage begins]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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