Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 4
98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette
Rooftop Kung-Fu Fight
[Opens with Ben Stiller smoking a cigarette on top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza admiring the city view at night]
Ben Stiller: Mmmm…[blows smoke] New York, you sweet lady. I’m back and I win this time cause I’m hosting! Yeah! You hear me New York?! I win. Me. Little Benji Stiller. How do you like me now?
Lorne Michaels: Stiller, what are you doing? It’s time to start the show.
Ben Stiller: Oh, hey Lorne. [throws cigarette to the floor] Remember me? Used to be a featured cast member on your show about ten years ago? Used to cut all my pieces at dress? Yeah. Well guess what? I get to cut you!
Lorne Michaels: Damn it, Stiller. This isn’t the time.
Ben Stiller: [aggressive] Oh, I say it is the time, old man.
Lorne Michaels: Yeah?
Ben Stiller: Yeah!
Lorne Michaels: Then come get some.
Ben Stiller: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Lorne Michaels: You have grown strong, Ben Stiller.
Ben Stiller: You taught me well. Perhaps too well. [karate yell] [Stiller headbutts Lorne and pushes him very near the edge of the building]
Lorne Michaels: Don’t do this! I have money. I can make you rich.
Ben Stiller: It’s too late for that!
Lorne Michaels: Wait, Ben. Benjamin…listen to me.
Ben Stiller: What?!
Lorne Michaels: I am your father.
Ben Stiller: [anguished] Noooooooo!!!!![Lorne lifts him up and throws him from the rooftop]
Lorne Michaels: I know he’s gonna be late for the monologue.[Ben falling towards the ground]
Ben Stiller: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!![opening montage begins]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel