SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/24/98: Real Stories of the Highway Patrol

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

Real Stories of the Highway Patrol

Officer Tom Martin…..Will Ferrell
Officer Mike Berger…..Ben Stiller
Jesus…..Horatio Sanz
Vance…..Tim Meadows
Maury Hannigan…..Darrell Hammond

[ On “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol”, a pair of highway patrollerspull over two guys they think are suspicious characters, then give them ahard time ]

Officer Tom Martin: Can I see your license and registration, please?

Jesus: Yeah, sure, Officer. Is everything okay?

Officer Tom Martin: [ quick-paced ] You wanna tell me something that’s not okay?

Jesus: [ confused ] No.. I don’t..

Officer Tom Martin: [ inspecting license ] Sir, it says your name is..uh.. “Jesus”?

Jesus: That’s Jesus, pronounced “Hey-Zeus”.

Officer Tom Martin: Am I supposed to believe the Son of Man drives a ’93 Mazda with a broken taillight? You think I’m stupid, Jesus?

Jesus: No, I don’t.

Vance: Hey, uh.. Officer, what’s going on?

Officer Tom Martin: Who are you? Are you one of the apostles? You Peter? Or Paul?

Vance: My name is Vance.

Officer Tom Martin: I don’t think “Vance” is in the Bible. Listen, Jesus, does one of your apostles always, uh.. ride shotgun without a seat belt?

Vance: Look, Officer, we don’t want any trouble. We just want to get out of here, okay?

Officer Mike Berger: [ approaching ] What we got going on over here?

Officer Tom Martin: Two jackasses.

[ Jesus and Vance groan ]

Jesus: We don’t want any trouble..

Officer Mike Berger: Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to, huh? Huh? Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to? Huh? You think you a hotshot, huh? Huh?

Jesus: No.

Officer Mike Berger: No, you don’t think you’re a hotshot? Or, no, you don’t know who you’re talkin’ to? Huh? What ya’ talking about? Huh?

Jesus: What?

Officer Mike Berger: A little confused this evening, Sir? Step out of the vehicle. [ pulls door open ]

Jesus: [ stepping out reluctantly ] We don’t want any trouble..

Officer Tom Martin: [ to Vance ] Stay there, Dreadlock.

Officer Mike Berger: Alright, I’m gonna search you, Sir. [ searches him ] Alright, what am I gonna find? What am I gonna find, some illegal substance? Huh? What have we got here? What’s this, huh? [ pulls out Jesus’ wallet ]

Officer Tom Martin: You don’t even know where you are, do you?

Officer Mike Berger: Look at this, a little treasure trove, huh? Looks like $60.

Jesus: That’s my wallet.

Officer Mike Berger: Hey, looks like King Midas, huh?

Officer Tom Martin: Richie Rich.

Officer Mike Berger: The Lost City of Gold.

Officer Tom Martin: Ricardo Rich. Keep your hands on the car.

Officer Mike Berger: Hey, Jesus, you like games? Huh? ‘Cause I got a game for you. It’s called “You’re Under Arrest”. How you like that one?

Jesus: Aw, come on, guys, what are you doing?

Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, you know who wins? John & Jane Public. They win every time.

Officer Tom Martin: You still there, Bob Marley? Where’s Bob Marley? You still there?

[ cut to Maury Hannigan, host of “Highway Patrol” ]

Maury Hannigan: But the drama didn’t end there, as the subjects began to become more violent..

[ cut back to scene of arrest ]

Officer Tom Martin: Okay, you wanna know why I arrested you tonight, Sir?

Jesus: I don’t know, was I speeding?

Vance: [ laughing ] Yeah, you were speeding!

Officer Mike Berger: You think that’s funny? What are you, a comedian?

Officer Tom Martin: Are you going to be at the Comedy Shoppe later?

Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, am I going to see you on Jay Leno tonight, Sir?

Vance: Look, Officer, we’re not comics..

Officer Tom Martin: I’ve got Freddie Prinze over here. “Chico & The Man”.

Jesus: Freddie Prinze is dead, man..

Officer Mike Berger: [ to Vance ] Hey! Sinbad! Do me a favor, step out of the vehicle, okay?

Vance: [ steppin out of vehicle ] Look, Officer, I think we got off on the wrong foot..

Officer Mike Berger: Hey, hey, Sanford & Son! I’ve got a little comedy routine for you, alright? Check this one out: uh.. “Who’s on first? What’s on second? I don’t know. Who’s getting arrested? Looks like you, my friend!”

Vance: I want to call my lawyer!

Officer Mike Berger: Oh, look at this! We got Johnny Cochran over here! We’ve got a lawyer, Johnny Cochran.

Officer Tom Martin: Great job with O.J. Maybe you can help Jesus out over here.

Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, how do you like those apples?
Vance: I don’t like apples.

Officer Mike Berger: Oh, really? What are you, Steve Jobs?

[ cut to rising super of text ]

Maury Hannigan: [ voice-over ] “After further questioning, it was determined that neither subject had actually committed a crime. Three days later, the suspects filed a lawsuit against the Highway Patrol for violating their civil rights. While the lawsuit is still pending, the patrolmen received a one-week suspension with pay.”

[ fade ]

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