Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 4
98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette
Real Stories of the Highway Patrol
Officer Tom Martin…..Will Ferrell
Officer Mike Berger…..Ben Stiller
Maury Hannigan…..Darrell Hammond
[ On “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol”, a pair of highway patrollerspull over two guys they think are suspicious characters, then give them ahard time ]
Officer Tom Martin: Can I see your license and registration, please?
Jesus: Yeah, sure, Officer. Is everything okay?
Officer Tom Martin: [ quick-paced ] You wanna tell me something that’s not okay?
Jesus: [ confused ] No.. I don’t..
Officer Tom Martin: [ inspecting license ] Sir, it says your name is..uh.. “Jesus”?
Jesus: That’s Jesus, pronounced “Hey-Zeus”.
Officer Tom Martin: Am I supposed to believe the Son of Man drives a ’93 Mazda with a broken taillight? You think I’m stupid, Jesus?
Jesus: No, I don’t.
Vance: Hey, uh.. Officer, what’s going on?
Officer Tom Martin: Who are you? Are you one of the apostles? You Peter? Or Paul?
Vance: My name is Vance.
Officer Tom Martin: I don’t think “Vance” is in the Bible. Listen, Jesus, does one of your apostles always, uh.. ride shotgun without a seat belt?
Vance: Look, Officer, we don’t want any trouble. We just want to get out of here, okay?
Officer Mike Berger: [ approaching ] What we got going on over here?
Officer Tom Martin: Two jackasses.
Jesus: We don’t want any trouble..
Officer Mike Berger: Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to, huh? Huh? Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to? Huh? You think you a hotshot, huh? Huh?
Officer Mike Berger: No, you don’t think you’re a hotshot? Or, no, you don’t know who you’re talkin’ to? Huh? What ya’ talking about? Huh?
Officer Mike Berger: A little confused this evening, Sir? Step out of the vehicle. [ pulls door open ]
Jesus: [ stepping out reluctantly ] We don’t want any trouble..
Officer Tom Martin: [ to Vance ] Stay there, Dreadlock.
Officer Mike Berger: Alright, I’m gonna search you, Sir. [ searches him ] Alright, what am I gonna find? What am I gonna find, some illegal substance? Huh? What have we got here? What’s this, huh? [ pulls out Jesus’ wallet ]
Officer Tom Martin: You don’t even know where you are, do you?
Officer Mike Berger: Look at this, a little treasure trove, huh? Looks like $60.
Jesus: That’s my wallet.
Officer Mike Berger: Hey, looks like King Midas, huh?
Officer Tom Martin: Richie Rich.
Officer Mike Berger: The Lost City of Gold.
Officer Tom Martin: Ricardo Rich. Keep your hands on the car.
Officer Mike Berger: Hey, Jesus, you like games? Huh? ‘Cause I got a game for you. It’s called “You’re Under Arrest”. How you like that one?
Jesus: Aw, come on, guys, what are you doing?
Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, you know who wins? John & Jane Public. They win every time.
Officer Tom Martin: You still there, Bob Marley? Where’s Bob Marley? You still there?[ cut to Maury Hannigan, host of “Highway Patrol” ]
Maury Hannigan: But the drama didn’t end there, as the subjects began to become more violent..[ cut back to scene of arrest ]
Officer Tom Martin: Okay, you wanna know why I arrested you tonight, Sir?
Jesus: I don’t know, was I speeding?
Vance: [ laughing ] Yeah, you were speeding!
Officer Mike Berger: You think that’s funny? What are you, a comedian?
Officer Tom Martin: Are you going to be at the Comedy Shoppe later?
Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, am I going to see you on Jay Leno tonight, Sir?
Vance: Look, Officer, we’re not comics..
Officer Tom Martin: I’ve got Freddie Prinze over here. “Chico & The Man”.
Jesus: Freddie Prinze is dead, man..
Officer Mike Berger: [ to Vance ] Hey! Sinbad! Do me a favor, step out of the vehicle, okay?
Vance: [ steppin out of vehicle ] Look, Officer, I think we got off on the wrong foot..
Officer Mike Berger: Hey, hey, Sanford & Son! I’ve got a little comedy routine for you, alright? Check this one out: uh.. “Who’s on first? What’s on second? I don’t know. Who’s getting arrested? Looks like you, my friend!”
Vance: I want to call my lawyer!
Officer Mike Berger: Oh, look at this! We got Johnny Cochran over here! We’ve got a lawyer, Johnny Cochran.
Officer Tom Martin: Great job with O.J. Maybe you can help Jesus out over here.
Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, how do you like those apples?
Vance: I don’t like apples.
Officer Mike Berger: Oh, really? What are you, Steve Jobs?[ cut to rising super of text ]
Maury Hannigan: [ voice-over ] “After further questioning, it was determined that neither subject had actually committed a crime. Three days later, the suspects filed a lawsuit against the Highway Patrol for violating their civil rights. While the lawsuit is still pending, the patrolmen received a one-week suspension with pay.”[ fade ]