SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/24/98: Real Stories of the Highway Patrol


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

Real Stories of the Highway Patrol

Officer Tom Martin…..Will Ferrell
Officer Mike Berger…..Ben Stiller
Jesus…..Horatio Sanz
Vance…..Tim Meadows
Maury Hannigan…..Darrell Hammond

[ On “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol”, a pair of highway patrollerspull over two guys they think are suspicious characters, then give them ahard time ]

Officer Tom Martin: Can I see your license and registration, please?

Jesus: Yeah, sure, Officer. Is everything okay?

Officer Tom Martin: [ quick-paced ] You wanna tell me something that’s not okay?

Jesus: [ confused ] No.. I don’t..

Officer Tom Martin: [ inspecting license ] Sir, it says your name is..uh.. “Jesus”?

Jesus: That’s Jesus, pronounced “Hey-Zeus”.

Officer Tom Martin: Am I supposed to believe the Son of Man drives a ’93 Mazda with a broken taillight? You think I’m stupid, Jesus?

Jesus: No, I don’t.

Vance: Hey, uh.. Officer, what’s going on?

Officer Tom Martin: Who are you? Are you one of the apostles? You Peter? Or Paul?

Vance: My name is Vance.

Officer Tom Martin: I don’t think “Vance” is in the Bible. Listen, Jesus, does one of your apostles always, uh.. ride shotgun without a seat belt?

Vance: Look, Officer, we don’t want any trouble. We just want to get out of here, okay?

Officer Mike Berger: [ approaching ] What we got going on over here?

Officer Tom Martin: Two jackasses.

[ Jesus and Vance groan ]

Jesus: We don’t want any trouble..

Officer Mike Berger: Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to, huh? Huh? Huh? Who ya’ talkin’ to? Huh? You think you a hotshot, huh? Huh?

Jesus: No.

Officer Mike Berger: No, you don’t think you’re a hotshot? Or, no, you don’t know who you’re talkin’ to? Huh? What ya’ talking about? Huh?

Jesus: What?

Officer Mike Berger: A little confused this evening, Sir? Step out of the vehicle. [ pulls door open ]

Jesus: [ stepping out reluctantly ] We don’t want any trouble..

Officer Tom Martin: [ to Vance ] Stay there, Dreadlock.

Officer Mike Berger: Alright, I’m gonna search you, Sir. [ searches him ] Alright, what am I gonna find? What am I gonna find, some illegal substance? Huh? What have we got here? What’s this, huh? [ pulls out Jesus’ wallet ]

Officer Tom Martin: You don’t even know where you are, do you?

Officer Mike Berger: Look at this, a little treasure trove, huh? Looks like $60.

Jesus: That’s my wallet.

Officer Mike Berger: Hey, looks like King Midas, huh?

Officer Tom Martin: Richie Rich.

Officer Mike Berger: The Lost City of Gold.

Officer Tom Martin: Ricardo Rich. Keep your hands on the car.

Officer Mike Berger: Hey, Jesus, you like games? Huh? ‘Cause I got a game for you. It’s called “You’re Under Arrest”. How you like that one?

Jesus: Aw, come on, guys, what are you doing?

Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, you know who wins? John & Jane Public. They win every time.

Officer Tom Martin: You still there, Bob Marley? Where’s Bob Marley? You still there?

[ cut to Maury Hannigan, host of “Highway Patrol” ]

Maury Hannigan: But the drama didn’t end there, as the subjects began to become more violent..

[ cut back to scene of arrest ]

Officer Tom Martin: Okay, you wanna know why I arrested you tonight, Sir?

Jesus: I don’t know, was I speeding?

Vance: [ laughing ] Yeah, you were speeding!

Officer Mike Berger: You think that’s funny? What are you, a comedian?

Officer Tom Martin: Are you going to be at the Comedy Shoppe later?

Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, am I going to see you on Jay Leno tonight, Sir?

Vance: Look, Officer, we’re not comics..

Officer Tom Martin: I’ve got Freddie Prinze over here. “Chico & The Man”.

Jesus: Freddie Prinze is dead, man..

Officer Mike Berger: [ to Vance ] Hey! Sinbad! Do me a favor, step out of the vehicle, okay?

Vance: [ steppin out of vehicle ] Look, Officer, I think we got off on the wrong foot..

Officer Mike Berger: Hey, hey, Sanford & Son! I’ve got a little comedy routine for you, alright? Check this one out: uh.. “Who’s on first? What’s on second? I don’t know. Who’s getting arrested? Looks like you, my friend!”

Vance: I want to call my lawyer!

Officer Mike Berger: Oh, look at this! We got Johnny Cochran over here! We’ve got a lawyer, Johnny Cochran.

Officer Tom Martin: Great job with O.J. Maybe you can help Jesus out over here.

Officer Mike Berger: Yeah, how do you like those apples?
Vance: I don’t like apples.

Officer Mike Berger: Oh, really? What are you, Steve Jobs?

[ cut to rising super of text ]

Maury Hannigan: [ voice-over ] “After further questioning, it was determined that neither subject had actually committed a crime. Three days later, the suspects filed a lawsuit against the Highway Patrol for violating their civil rights. While the lawsuit is still pending, the patrolmen received a one-week suspension with pay.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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