SNL Transcripts: Ben Stiller: 10/24/98: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morissette

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Jimmy Fallon
Yasser Arafat…..Chris Kattan
Benjamin Netanyahu…..Will Ferrell

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Oh, folks! That’s all right! Thank you, folks! All right!

As we all know by now, yesterday Arafat and Netanyahu signed the Wye Memorandum, an historic peace agreement. Now today the Israeli and Palestinian people are receiving the news. The Israelis don’t like this, the Palestinians don’t like this. Everybody is a Monday morning quarterback. It’s different when you’re the one that has to negotiate, you know? It’s like when you have the girlfriend you broke up with, and you’re going to meet her, and your friends are saying, “Don’t give in! Don’t get back together!” You’re going, “I won’t.” And then you come back and you know, you’re like, “Listen, we – we’re going back out, but listen to me.” “Noo! You sold out!” “No, no! Wait! She’s not gonna be like she was, she told me what really happened that night!” You know?

Then they got King Hussein getting out of his sick bed for this, the guy has cancer. They had to give in! All right? He’s over at the Mayo Clinic, that’s how slick Clinton is. Clinton’s like the good cop, then he gets King Hussein to be the bad cop. They woke him up, he’s got his robe on, you know? He’s like, [imitating King Hussein] “Aaaggh…what are you doing?! You’re acting like children! I’m sick and tired, I’m trying to run a country over here! You better straighten out! I have to get up early in the morning, I’m not kidding.”…My Hussein impression.

Clinton is doing some good things, you have to give Clinton that. Peace in the– Northern Ireland, peace in the Middle East. I heard next, he’s going over to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s house, and checkin’ that out. Come on!

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: All right! I’m Fred Savage! No, I’m Colin Quinn.

Now this week, President Clinton appointed John Podesta as his new Chief of Staff. The President said he gave Podesta the job because he hates him.

Former White House spokesman Mike McCurry praised the President, saying that he’s a richly qualified leader, but that he was exasperatingly stupid in his personal life. Translation: he always goes for the ugly ones.

Folks, NASA announced that John Glenn would not participate in one age-related test during his upcoming space flight. While Glenn has agreed to be subjected to numerous tests, he put his foot down when NASA wanted to perform an autopsy. I don’t blame him. [not much reaction] All right, he’s a national hero. What do you want?

Byron Looper, a Republican candidate for the state senate in Tennessee, has been arrested for shooting his opponent dead. Today, the NRA said, “Are we endorsing this guy? Hell, yeah!”

In the new issue of Mirabella magazine, Kenneth Starr’s wife claims that President Clinton is a sex addict. Clinton responded, “Hey, let me see that magazine! They got some hot girls in there!”…Ah, a little acting, folks. Come on.

Scientists have developed a device that can be implanted in the brain to allow a person to move a computer cursor just by thinking about it. Bill Gates has ordered that all babies manufactured after February 1st, 2001 be fitted with this device. [chuckles mockingly]

The schoolboy…the schoolboy who fathered two children with his jailed teacher, Mary Kay LeTourneau, made a dramatic plea to have her released from prison this week. Not so easy to get a date in the real world, is it kid?…All right. [some cheers and applause]

And now, with some thoughts on trick-or-treating, Jimmy Fallon.

[pan over to Jimmy, who’s holding a guitar]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks a lot. Thanks, Colin! Yeah, you know uh…I realize that I’m too old to be dressing up for trick-or-treating. And yet I still want to go to g – uh, people’s houses and ring their doorbells, you know? So this year…this year I’m going Halloween caroling.

Colin: Halloween caroling?

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah. This is, uh, it’s where I write Halloween versions of my favorite songs. I go up to people’s doorbells, ring ’em, and then do a little of this:

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “A Long December” by Counting Crows]

“And it’s seven more days left in October
And it’s one more week ’til Halloween
But it’s been so long since I trick-or-treated
I think I should
Na na na na, yeah [cheers and applause]
Yeah…” [end of song]

Colin: Um…so what do they do?

Jimmy: They give me candy. You know, I – I just ring the doorbell and I go, uh…

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “3 AM” by Matchbox 20]

“Well, she said, “It’s cold outside,” I said, “It’s October.”
And when we get to the party
We see someone else is dressed like Jenny McCarthy
And she says, “Baby,
I thought that I’d be the one and only.”
And she says, “Baby,
Let’s have a drink and then leave,
I mean, oh, I’m pissed;
Can’t believe someone else wore the same costume.”” [end of song]

See, like, everyone can do it, [cheers and applause] you know?…Yeah!…Yeah, everyone can do it, it’s easy. I – e – even – even girls can do it. Here’s Alanis Morissette:

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Thank U” by Alanis Morissette]

“How about mini candy bars, aren’t they moronic? [applause]
How about cheap people that give you bags of pennies, yeah
Thank U, Mike and Ike
Thank U, candy corn
Thank U, thank U, Smarties.” [end of song; cheers and applause]

So like, this year…so this year…[laughs] get ready, you know? ‘Cause uh, if this thing catches on, you know…if this thing catches on, somebody might ring your doorbell and go, uh…

[plays guitar and sings a parody of “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground]

“I have eggs and candy here
Shaving cream is in my hair
Shine my flashlight at people that stare in my direction
Mama, this is Happy Halloween to you [cheers and applause]
Yeah, mama, this is Happy Halloween.” [end of song]

Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!

Jimmy: Thank you very much.

Colin: Aw, thank you, Jimmy!

[Colin and Jimmy shake hands]

There’s a debate, folks, over the effectiveness of these new smart guns, that will only fire when a computer chip in the gun recognizes the gun owner. See, I don’t trust that. Sometimes I have to swipe my ATM card through the slot a couple of times. You know, you’re gonna be out there like, [makes a gun with his hand] “Freeze! Wait, I forgot my PIN number!”…[not much reaction] Jimmy Fallon!

Scientists…scientists, folks. Scientists want to study the DNA of a chimp and a human to determine what genes make a human a human. They also want to study what makes a monkey windsurfer [clip of a monkey windsurfing] so funny.

Archaeologists in Jerusalem have uncovered a jug from Roman times that contains 200 to 400 gold coins. Experts believe it may have been Jesus’ laundry money….[not much reaction] Come on! What are ya…[mutters something]

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was slapped with an eight-million-dollar damage suit for allegedly bashing her secretary’s skull with a telephone. Sources say Campbell could have saved nearly two million on this incident if she had MCI.

Earlier this week, the Nevada State Gaming Commission voted to allow Mike Tyson to return to boxing. An important factor was testimony on Tyson’s behalf by Magic Johnson and Muhammad Ali. The commission patiently listened as the once-great athlete bravely struggled to put even the simplest thoughts into words. Then Ali spoke….[some cheers; waves his fist] Ooo!

The Spanish-language TV station Telemundo, folks. The Spanish-language TV station is looking to remake shows from the ’70s and ’80s like “Starsky & Hutch,” “Who’s the Boss?”, and “Charlie’s Angels.” Come on, a Spanish “Who’s the Boss?”? It was hard enough to believe an Italian guy would live in a house with a single woman for 10 years without having sex.

[exhales] This week marks the Pope’s 20th anniversary of the pontiff. When he opened his anniversary gifts, the Pope was overheard to say, [disappointed] “Wow! Just what I needed! Another cross!”

And now, here to discuss the ground-breaking Mideast peace accord are Yasser Arafat and Benjamin Netanyahu.

[Pan over to Yasser and Benjamin. Benjamin has a miniature world globe.]

Yasser Arafat: Thank you, Colin!

Benjamin Netanyahu: Thank you, Colin. Thank you.

[Yasser and then Benjamin give a thumbs-up to the audience, then they give a thumbs-up to each other.]

Colin: So…explain to us the details of the Wye River Accord.

Benjamin: Well, Colin, I brought this globe along to help illustrate our achievement….[puts his finger where Israel is] Okay. [shows the audience] This right here is Israel. And we have agreed to give 13 percent of the West Bank, which is [doesn’t move finger] here, back to the Palestinians. Which means our border moves from…[doesn’t move finger] here…to [doesn’t move finger] here. [puts the globe off to the side]

Colin: And how long did it take you guys to work this out?

Yasser: Uh, somewhere between 50 and 4,000 years.

Benjamin: Give or take….Who is counting?

Yasser: Oh, no one’s counting!

[Yasser and Benjamin agree jokingly]

Colin: Uh, what do you think was the, uh…what do you think was the secret to your success this time?

Benjamin: It’s about respect, Colin. Respecting the other person’s boundaries.

Yasser: Respecting their culture.

Benjamin: Just being cool, and laid back, and stuff.

Yasser: Yes.

Benjamin: Yes.

Yasser: Like, for example: Israel’s going to let us build an airport on Gaza.

Benjamin: And Palestine has agreed to a security plan to crack down on terrorism.

Yasser and Benjamin: And…

Benjamin: [playfully] …to stop hogging the phone!

Yasser: [becomes very jovial] Yeah! My bad!

Benjamin: Yes!

Yasser: I done it!…[Yasser and Benjamin laugh; Benjamin messes around with Yasser’s head scarf] You watch this, here! Come on!

Benjamin: This is our compromise.

Yasser: [starting at the beginning of Benjamin’s last line] This is very expensive!…My mother made this!

Benjamin: Don’t worry, I can tell!

Yasser: Then, well uh…you stay off of mom’s things.

Benjamin: For example…

Yasser: All right.

Benjamin: …since Israel has the bigger room, Israel will pay more rent.

Yasser: Right. And we might switch rooms in the spring.

Benjamin: We’ll see! We don’t know. But we have agreed that our basic groceries, like peanut butter…

Yasser: Yeah.

Benjamin: …and mayonnaise, we will split down the middle and share.

Yasser: But special groceries, like my Jell-O cup…

Benjamin: And my nonfat milk.

Yasser: …we will mark with our initials.

Benjamin: Yes.

Colin: You guys have really worked this one out.

Yasser: Well, we had a lot of help from the President Clinton.

Benjamin: He has an incisive and nimble mind.

Yasser: Plus, he gave us his old futon.

Benjamin: [very quietly] Yes.

Yasser: So…if we have guests in town, you know, they can totally crash!

Colin: Great. So, are you confident that you finally achieved a lasting peace in the Middle East?

Yasser: [amused] Noo-oo!

Benjamin: No, no, no!

Yasser: NO WAY!

Benjamin: No way!

Yasser: NO!

Benjamin: Colin, we will always fight.

Yasser: Yes.

Benjamin: People love to see us fight!

Yasser: They love it!

Benjamin: They love it!

Yasser: Yes. We have a, like, a Sam-and-Dave…uh, Diane, I’m sorry [he and Benjamin poke fun]…there I go again, Sam-and-Diane relationship, yes.

Benjamin: If we ever really got together, it would ruin everything. I mean, look at “Moonlighting.”

Yasser: Aah!

Benjamin: I mean, come on!

Yasser: Yes! Colin…it’s like, we are like the Odd Couple, you know. Israel is Felix, and Palestine is like Oscar. You know.

Benjamin: Noo, Palestine is Felix, we are like Oscar.

Yasser: Aah, this is true!

[Yasser and Benjamin continue to be playful with each other until they leave]

Colin: All right, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafat, everybody! All right!…[chuckles]

Tonight marks the end of daylight savings time and a return to normal time. President Clinton would like to remind everybody to set their clocks back 10 months.

I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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