Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 5
Dr. Laura Schlessinger…..Ana Gasteyer
Cedric V/O…..Tim Meadows
Janine V/O…..Cheri Oteri
Kendall V/O…..Will Ferrell
[ open on Dr. Laura Schlessinger hosting her radio talk show at the KFI-AM station in Los Angeles ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and I do welcome you to this hour of the program. I am my kid’s mom. Cedric. Hello.
Cedric V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I just want to say that I’m honored to talk to you.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Mmm-hmm.
Cedric V/O: And, well, I’m my kid’s dad! [ chuckles ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Appreciate it, don’t have time for it. What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Oh. Well, my new wife’s parents –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: New wife? Hmm. New wife. What happened to the old wife, huh? Do we just sort of trade her in for a new model when she started making a knocking sound?
Cedric V/O: Well.. actually.. she died. But my new in-laws are-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hmm.. I guess we’re only concerned with the new wife’s parents. I guess when old wifey died, the rest of the family just went down with the ship! What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Um.. I was wondering if I should-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no. Wonder is a brand of bread. Don’t wonder. Ask.
Cedric V/O: But, uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Butts are found in ashtrays, and on your new trophy wife. What is the question?
Cedric V/O: I know, I know.. I..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No! “No” is something you should have said before you murdered your wife and ran off with your babysitter!
Cedric V/O: Uh.. uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Uh, uh, uh. Question would be nice. Thank you very much for wasting my time. Nice world, huh? [ snickers ] I’m Dr. Laura. Janine, welcome to the program.
Janine V/O: [ emotional from the start ] Hi, Dr. Laura. I’m a little nervous.. this is.. this is very hard for me to talk about..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, this is only a four-hour show. What is your question?
Janine V/O: Oh. Um.. well.. I have four children, and I’m a single mom. My ex-husband won’t leave us alone. I mean, he comes around drunk all the time.. he.. he upsets the kids.. I’m just tired of being treated badly..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Wow.. that sounds difficult. Do you have a job, Janine?
Janine V/O: Uh.. n-no.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Can I suggest one? How about catering your own pity party? Boo-hoo and diddly-do! The father of your children, drunk or sober, has the right to visit his kids any time he jolly well pleases, until the day he dies!
Janine V/O: [ angered ] But, Dr. Laura!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, Janine.. you are trapped, alright? You have dug your own grave and buried yourself under eight feet of dirt!
Janine V/O: You don’t understand!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: You are stuck, my dear! You have sealed yourself alive in a pine coffin, where you will surely suffocate!
Janine V/O: [ desperately ] Please stop!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no, face it! Your choice is.. your choice is, Janine, the only thing you have to look forward to is the sweet release of death!
[ a gun shot is heard over the phone ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: For the parents out there who take their commitments seriously, you may know today is Take Your Child to Work Day. And since I am my kid’s mom, here’s my kid, Derek.
[ Derek stumbles into the control booth ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hi, sweetie! Gonna help Momma with the sickos?
Derek: [ sniffs the microphone ] This microphone stinks like Rocky.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Momma had some lunch. Momma had some lunch. Alright, come on, push a button, let’s do it. I’m Dr. Laura, and who are you, Derek?
Derek: I’m my mom’s kid!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ snickers ] Kendall. What’s your question?
Kendall V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I have a moral dilemma. I work for an Internet Service Provider –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, Kendall. I would say if you work for an Internet, you are a moral dilemma, my friend.
Derek: Ha ha ha. Mommy said the information highway is filled with.. godless truck stop whores!
Kendall V/O: Well, your mom must be one of them, because I just went online and ordered up photos of her steamed crab special.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ stunned ] No, no.. that’s alright. I would like to address those pictures of mre I would like to take this moment to apologize to all my listeners, for arousing this smut-driven pervert with pictures of my stunningly beautiful, twenty-eight year-old form! Shame on you, caller!
Kendall V/O: Well, shame on you, Dr. Laura. Because I downloaded your picture, and FYI, your bony little rack makes a great screensaver!
Derek: Ha ha ha! Mommy.. made.. dirty pictures of.. her and.. uh.. beaver..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Derek, inside voice. Inside voice.
Derek: I’m hungry, I have the farts.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Go eat your Lunchables in the limo with Constantina. Mommy’s gonna put a trace on that last bastard. I’m Dr. Laura, now go take on the day!
[ fade ]