SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 11/07/98: Dr. Laura


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 5

98e: David Spade / Eagle-Eye Cherry

Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger…..Ana Gasteyer
Cedric V/O…..Tim Meadows
Janine V/O…..Cheri Oteri
Derek…..David Spade
Kendall V/O…..Will Ferrell

[ open on Dr. Laura Schlessinger hosting her radio talk show at the KFI-AM station in Los Angeles ]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and I do welcome you to this hour of the program. I am my kid’s mom. Cedric. Hello.

Cedric V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I just want to say that I’m honored to talk to you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Mmm-hmm.

Cedric V/O: And, well, I’m my kid’s dad! [ chuckles ]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Appreciate it, don’t have time for it. What’s your question?

Cedric V/O: Oh. Well, my new wife’s parents –

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: New wife? Hmm. New wife. What happened to the old wife, huh? Do we just sort of trade her in for a new model when she started making a knocking sound?

Cedric V/O: Well.. actually.. she died. But my new in-laws are-

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hmm.. I guess we’re only concerned with the new wife’s parents. I guess when old wifey died, the rest of the family just went down with the ship! What’s your question?

Cedric V/O: Um.. I was wondering if I should-

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no. Wonder is a brand of bread. Don’t wonder. Ask.

Cedric V/O: But, uh..

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Butts are found in ashtrays, and on your new trophy wife. What is the question?

Cedric V/O: I know, I know.. I..

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No! “No” is something you should have said before you murdered your wife and ran off with your babysitter!

Cedric V/O: Uh.. uh..

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Uh, uh, uh. Question would be nice. Thank you very much for wasting my time. Nice world, huh? [ snickers ] I’m Dr. Laura. Janine, welcome to the program.

Janine V/O: [ emotional from the start ] Hi, Dr. Laura. I’m a little nervous.. this is.. this is very hard for me to talk about..

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, this is only a four-hour show. What is your question?

Janine V/O: Oh. Um.. well.. I have four children, and I’m a single mom. My ex-husband won’t leave us alone. I mean, he comes around drunk all the time.. he.. he upsets the kids.. I’m just tired of being treated badly..

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Wow.. that sounds difficult. Do you have a job, Janine?

Janine V/O: Uh.. n-no.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Can I suggest one? How about catering your own pity party? Boo-hoo and diddly-do! The father of your children, drunk or sober, has the right to visit his kids any time he jolly well pleases, until the day he dies!

Janine V/O: [ angered ] But, Dr. Laura!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, Janine.. you are trapped, alright? You have dug your own grave and buried yourself under eight feet of dirt!

Janine V/O: You don’t understand!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: You are stuck, my dear! You have sealed yourself alive in a pine coffin, where you will surely suffocate!

Janine V/O: [ desperately ] Please stop!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no, face it! Your choice is.. your choice is, Janine, the only thing you have to look forward to is the sweet release of death!

[ a gun shot is heard over the phone ]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: For the parents out there who take their commitments seriously, you may know today is Take Your Child to Work Day. And since I am my kid’s mom, here’s my kid, Derek.

[ Derek stumbles into the control booth ]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hi, sweetie! Gonna help Momma with the sickos?

Derek: [ sniffs the microphone ] This microphone stinks like Rocky.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Momma had some lunch. Momma had some lunch. Alright, come on, push a button, let’s do it. I’m Dr. Laura, and who are you, Derek?

Derek: I’m my mom’s kid!

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ snickers ] Kendall. What’s your question?

Kendall V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I have a moral dilemma. I work for an Internet Service Provider –

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, Kendall. I would say if you work for an Internet, you are a moral dilemma, my friend.

Derek: Ha ha ha. Mommy said the information highway is filled with.. godless truck stop whores!

Kendall V/O: Well, your mom must be one of them, because I just went online and ordered up photos of her steamed crab special.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ stunned ] No, no.. that’s alright. I would like to address those pictures of mre I would like to take this moment to apologize to all my listeners, for arousing this smut-driven pervert with pictures of my stunningly beautiful, twenty-eight year-old form! Shame on you, caller!

Kendall V/O: Well, shame on you, Dr. Laura. Because I downloaded your picture, and FYI, your bony little rack makes a great screensaver!

Derek: Ha ha ha! Mommy.. made.. dirty pictures of.. her and.. uh.. beaver..

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Derek, inside voice. Inside voice.

Derek: I’m hungry, I have the farts.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Go eat your Lunchables in the limo with Constantina. Mommy’s gonna put a trace on that last bastard. I’m Dr. Laura, now go take on the day!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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