Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 5
David Spade’s Therapy Session
David Spade: Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. It’s been really weird coming back to the show this week. I mean, it’s fun, but it’s different.. People keep getting mad at me because I can’t remember everyone’s name.. like that Jim Meadows guy.
Therapist: You mean, Tim Meadows.
David Spade: Are you sure? Black guy?
Therapist: That’s right.
David Spade: Oh. When I try to talk about the “good old days” with Rock and Sandler and Farley, everyone just rolls their eyes, bored. I think the biggest probelem is that I’m extra-famous now, and it bothers people.
David Spade: And the second problem is, I’m on a hit show.[ camera pans up to reveal Brad Pitt as the psychiatrist ]
Therapist: Mmm-hmm.. And is it really a hit show?
David Spade: Well, yeah..
Therapist: Like “Friends”?
David Spade: Well, no.. but that’s on Thursdays. It’s.. it’s complicated.
Therapist: Okay. I’m sorry, continue, please.
David Spade: [ shakes head ] You don’t understand.. You know how many people saw “Tommy Boy”? It’s what known as a “worldwide” hit. I’m an “international” superstar. It’s different.
Therapist: I think I understand.
David Spade: No, you don’t! It’s like jail. It cripples my travel plans – I’m like a sideshow, some sort of freak! I’m huge in Finland. I can’t step foot in Peru – I want to, but I can’t.
Therapist: So, being in a show business environment is kind of a.. safe place for you, isn’t it?
David Spade: I wish. I’m even getting too big for that. Like, a few nights ago, I went to see the world premiere of this movie “Meet Joe Black”.. cameras flashing, paparazzi everywhere.. How many pictures do you need?!! I curse the paparazzi! I curse the tabloids! Ohhh..
Therapist: Oh. So you find yourself in the tabloids a lot?
David Spade: No, not yet. But I feel it coming, any day now..
Therapist: Well, we’re about out of time.. uh.. [ looks at his pad ] ..David. Is there anything else?
David Spade: Yeah. I’m a sex symbol now.. It’s very uncomfortable, it’s really a curse. Every week, I’m with a different supermodel.
Therapist: Word on the street is, you’re not really into chicks.
David Spade: [ concerned ] What’s that? What street?
Therapist: Okay! Time’s up.
David Spade: Okay. Tha- [ looks at Brad closely ] You know who you look like?
David Spade: Yeah!
Therapist: Yeah.. yeah. I hear that a lot..
David Spade: Do you? Must be flattering!
Therapist: Oh, yes..
David Spade: So, anyhoo, what’d you write down there, anything I need to know?
Therapist: Just this.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”