SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 11/07/98: David Spade’s Therapy Session


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 5

98e: David Spade / Eagle-Eye Cherry

David Spade’s Therapy Session

…..David Spade
Therapist…..Brad Pitt

[ open on tight shot of New York City skyline ] [ SUPER: “New York City, earlier this evening” ] [ dissolve to door of the B.P. Medical Group ] [ dissolve to interior, psychiatrist’s office, close-up of David Spade lying on the couch ]

David Spade: Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. It’s been really weird coming back to the show this week. I mean, it’s fun, but it’s different.. People keep getting mad at me because I can’t remember everyone’s name.. like that Jim Meadows guy.

Therapist: You mean, Tim Meadows.

David Spade: Are you sure? Black guy?

Therapist: That’s right.

David Spade: Oh. When I try to talk about the “good old days” with Rock and Sandler and Farley, everyone just rolls their eyes, bored. I think the biggest probelem is that I’m extra-famous now, and it bothers people.

Therapist: Hmm..

David Spade: And the second problem is, I’m on a hit show.

[ camera pans up to reveal Brad Pitt as the psychiatrist ]

Therapist: Mmm-hmm.. And is it really a hit show?

David Spade: Well, yeah..

Therapist: Like “Friends”?

David Spade: Well, no.. but that’s on Thursdays. It’s.. it’s complicated.

Therapist: Okay. I’m sorry, continue, please.

David Spade: [ shakes head ] You don’t understand.. You know how many people saw “Tommy Boy”? It’s what known as a “worldwide” hit. I’m an “international” superstar. It’s different.

Therapist: I think I understand.

David Spade: No, you don’t! It’s like jail. It cripples my travel plans – I’m like a sideshow, some sort of freak! I’m huge in Finland. I can’t step foot in Peru – I want to, but I can’t.

Therapist: So, being in a show business environment is kind of a.. safe place for you, isn’t it?

David Spade: I wish. I’m even getting too big for that. Like, a few nights ago, I went to see the world premiere of this movie “Meet Joe Black”.. cameras flashing, paparazzi everywhere.. How many pictures do you need?!! I curse the paparazzi! I curse the tabloids! Ohhh..

Therapist: Oh. So you find yourself in the tabloids a lot?

David Spade: No, not yet. But I feel it coming, any day now..

Therapist: Well, we’re about out of time.. uh.. [ looks at his pad ] ..David. Is there anything else?

David Spade: Yeah. I’m a sex symbol now.. It’s very uncomfortable, it’s really a curse. Every week, I’m with a different supermodel.

Therapist: Word on the street is, you’re not really into chicks.

David Spade: [ concerned ] What’s that? What street?

Therapist: Okay! Time’s up.

David Spade: Okay. Tha- [ looks at Brad closely ] You know who you look like?

Therapist: You?

David Spade: Yeah!

Therapist: Yeah.. yeah. I hear that a lot..

David Spade: Do you? Must be flattering!

Therapist: Oh, yes..

David Spade: So, anyhoo, what’d you write down there, anything I need to know?

Therapist: Just this.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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