SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 11/07/98: Bachelor Party

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 5

98e: David Spade / Eagle-Eye Cherry

Bachelor Party

Friend…..Will Ferrell
Bachelor Boy…..Chris Kattan
Shane…..David Spade
Buddy…..Tim Meadows

[ open on wild Bachelor Party waiting to happen ]

Friend: Alright, how you feeling, Bachelor Boy!

Bachelor Boy: Dude, I’m getting pretty buzzed!

Friend: Excellent! You ready for some chicken?

Bachelor Boy: Yea-eah!

Friend: Hey, I think the strippers are here! Bring on the strippers!

[ everyone cheers, as Shane the chaperone enters the room ]

Shane: Alright! Cool your jets! I’m the chaperone, my name’s Shane, and I’m gonna lay down some rules before I bring out the talent, what’s up?

Voice: Screw you!

[ everyone cheers the defiance ]

Shane: I know, right? Okay, alright, now, before we bring Crystal and Amethyste out here, I gotta give you the 4-1-1 on the do’s and dont’s of dealing with these beautfil ladies. Numero Uno: There’s no squeezing the melons.

Guys: Boo!! Boo!! Boo!!

Shane: Hey! Easy! I come in peace.

Buddy: I want a piece!

Shane: I hear ya, brother! L&C – loud and clear. But my hands are tied. Okay, Rule #2: You can check under the hood, but no checking the oil.

[ everyone cheers in excitement ]

Shane: Hey! Come on! I heard that.

Friend: Hey, bring out the whores!

Shane: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s get one thing, straight, okay? These are ladies. And they shall be treated thusly, with respect and dignity. Having said that, for an additional $4 you can lick qhipped cream off their ass.

[ everyone cheers in excitement ]

Friend: Hey, bring out the sluts!

Shane: Hey, hold on there, friend! Somebody wasn’t listening! These women are a class act, you got that? Not like you. Okay, fo an extra fiver she’ll do the Batman on your face. Tips are appreciated.

[ everyone cheers in excitement ]

Buddy: Yeah!! We’re gonna score-re!!

Shane: Hold the phone, pardner! What, are you a little slow? I told you, these are eleganyt ladies. They’re trained performers. Did you get that? Do I gotta stop again? Now, for $7.50, they will fondle your privates, but you will not fondle theirs. Unless you work that out with the artiste herself.

Friend: Can I shave her biscuit?

Shane: You sure can, buddy! [ everyone cheers ] If you got a Thomas Jefferson in your hand, and you introduce those two.. I’ll throw in a micro-trap.

Buddy: Yes!! Let’s.. get it.. on!!

Shane: I don’t believe this guy! Sir! Please! I must stress again: these are ladies, and you treat them like you treat your own sister. You got that? Now, after you pop your cork across her chest, you may purchase a Kleenex for $2 per sheet!

Friend: Hey! Can I use a sock?

Shane: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that! Alright? And yes, you can.

[ everyone cheers ]

Buddy: Yeah!! Bring on the meat!!

Shane: Don’t make me whip out my nunchuks! [ pulls up his sleeve ] You wanna get one on the trifecta! Ol’ Shano gets in three fights a week!

Friend: Yeah, and you lose three fights a week!

[ everyone laughs ]

Shane: Hey! Smartie! I’m about to lose another one, huh! Yeah! Checkmate!

[ the strippers enter the room, as the guys go crazy. Shane tries to stay and enjoy the fun, but he’s quickly shoved out the door as the scene fades ]

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