SNL Transcripts: David Spade: 11/07/98: Bachelor Party


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 5

98e: David Spade / Eagle-Eye Cherry

Bachelor Party

Friend…..Will Ferrell
Bachelor Boy…..Chris Kattan
Shane…..David Spade
Buddy…..Tim Meadows

[ open on wild Bachelor Party waiting to happen ]

Friend: Alright, how you feeling, Bachelor Boy!

Bachelor Boy: Dude, I’m getting pretty buzzed!

Friend: Excellent! You ready for some chicken?

Bachelor Boy: Yea-eah!

Friend: Hey, I think the strippers are here! Bring on the strippers!

[ everyone cheers, as Shane the chaperone enters the room ]

Shane: Alright! Cool your jets! I’m the chaperone, my name’s Shane, and I’m gonna lay down some rules before I bring out the talent, what’s up?

Voice: Screw you!

[ everyone cheers the defiance ]

Shane: I know, right? Okay, alright, now, before we bring Crystal and Amethyste out here, I gotta give you the 4-1-1 on the do’s and dont’s of dealing with these beautfil ladies. Numero Uno: There’s no squeezing the melons.

Guys: Boo!! Boo!! Boo!!

Shane: Hey! Easy! I come in peace.

Buddy: I want a piece!

Shane: I hear ya, brother! L&C – loud and clear. But my hands are tied. Okay, Rule #2: You can check under the hood, but no checking the oil.

[ everyone cheers in excitement ]

Shane: Hey! Come on! I heard that.

Friend: Hey, bring out the whores!

Shane: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s get one thing, straight, okay? These are ladies. And they shall be treated thusly, with respect and dignity. Having said that, for an additional $4 you can lick qhipped cream off their ass.

[ everyone cheers in excitement ]

Friend: Hey, bring out the sluts!

Shane: Hey, hold on there, friend! Somebody wasn’t listening! These women are a class act, you got that? Not like you. Okay, fo an extra fiver she’ll do the Batman on your face. Tips are appreciated.

[ everyone cheers in excitement ]

Buddy: Yeah!! We’re gonna score-re!!

Shane: Hold the phone, pardner! What, are you a little slow? I told you, these are eleganyt ladies. They’re trained performers. Did you get that? Do I gotta stop again? Now, for $7.50, they will fondle your privates, but you will not fondle theirs. Unless you work that out with the artiste herself.

Friend: Can I shave her biscuit?

Shane: You sure can, buddy! [ everyone cheers ] If you got a Thomas Jefferson in your hand, and you introduce those two.. I’ll throw in a micro-trap.

Buddy: Yes!! Let’s.. get it.. on!!

Shane: I don’t believe this guy! Sir! Please! I must stress again: these are ladies, and you treat them like you treat your own sister. You got that? Now, after you pop your cork across her chest, you may purchase a Kleenex for $2 per sheet!

Friend: Hey! Can I use a sock?

Shane: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that! Alright? And yes, you can.

[ everyone cheers ]

Buddy: Yeah!! Bring on the meat!!

Shane: Don’t make me whip out my nunchuks! [ pulls up his sleeve ] You wanna get one on the trifecta! Ol’ Shano gets in three fights a week!

Friend: Yeah, and you lose three fights a week!

[ everyone laughs ]

Shane: Hey! Smartie! I’m about to lose another one, huh! Yeah! Checkmate!

[ the strippers enter the room, as the guys go crazy. Shane tries to stay and enjoy the fun, but he’s quickly shoved out the door as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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