Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 5
Bachelor Boy…..Chris Kattan
[ open on wild Bachelor Party waiting to happen ]
Friend: Alright, how you feeling, Bachelor Boy!
Bachelor Boy: Dude, I’m getting pretty buzzed!
Friend: Excellent! You ready for some chicken?
Bachelor Boy: Yea-eah!
Friend: Hey, I think the strippers are here! Bring on the strippers![ everyone cheers, as Shane the chaperone enters the room ]
Shane: Alright! Cool your jets! I’m the chaperone, my name’s Shane, and I’m gonna lay down some rules before I bring out the talent, what’s up?
Voice: Screw you![ everyone cheers the defiance ]
Shane: I know, right? Okay, alright, now, before we bring Crystal and Amethyste out here, I gotta give you the 4-1-1 on the do’s and dont’s of dealing with these beautfil ladies. Numero Uno: There’s no squeezing the melons.
Guys: Boo!! Boo!! Boo!!
Shane: Hey! Easy! I come in peace.
Buddy: I want a piece!
Shane: I hear ya, brother! L&C – loud and clear. But my hands are tied. Okay, Rule #2: You can check under the hood, but no checking the oil.[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Shane: Hey! Come on! I heard that.
Friend: Hey, bring out the whores!
Shane: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s get one thing, straight, okay? These are ladies. And they shall be treated thusly, with respect and dignity. Having said that, for an additional $4 you can lick qhipped cream off their ass.
Friend: Hey, bring out the sluts!
Shane: Hey, hold on there, friend! Somebody wasn’t listening! These women are a class act, you got that? Not like you. Okay, fo an extra fiver she’ll do the Batman on your face. Tips are appreciated.[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Buddy: Yeah!! We’re gonna score-re!!
Shane: Hold the phone, pardner! What, are you a little slow? I told you, these are eleganyt ladies. They’re trained performers. Did you get that? Do I gotta stop again? Now, for $7.50, they will fondle your privates, but you will not fondle theirs. Unless you work that out with the artiste herself.
Friend: Can I shave her biscuit?
Shane: You sure can, buddy! [ everyone cheers ] If you got a Thomas Jefferson in your hand, and you introduce those two.. I’ll throw in a micro-trap.
Buddy: Yes!! Let’s.. get it.. on!!
Shane: I don’t believe this guy! Sir! Please! I must stress again: these are ladies, and you treat them like you treat your own sister. You got that? Now, after you pop your cork across her chest, you may purchase a Kleenex for $2 per sheet!
Friend: Hey! Can I use a sock?
Shane: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that! Alright? And yes, you can.
Buddy: Yeah!! Bring on the meat!!
Shane: Don’t make me whip out my nunchuks! [ pulls up his sleeve ] You wanna get one on the trifecta! Ol’ Shano gets in three fights a week!
Friend: Yeah, and you lose three fights a week![ everyone laughs ]
Shane: Hey! Smartie! I’m about to lose another one, huh! Yeah! Checkmate![ the strippers enter the room, as the guys go crazy. Shane tries to stay and enjoy the fun, but he’s quickly shoved out the door as the scene fades ]