Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 5
Weekend update with Colin Quinn
[Fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio. Colin is holding a sheaf of papers in his hand.]
Colin Quinn: Oh! [chuckles]
Well folks, thank you, this past Tuesday, the American people spoke. The Democrats actually gained seats in Congress, Newt Gingrich has resigned. Things are looking bad for the conservatives. I saw a right-wing extremist holding a sign today that said, “Will hate for food.” Ah….[shocked by lack of reaction] The Republicans screwed up, folks! They pushed the impeachment thing too far, they ignored the polls, they underestimated the minority voters. I haven’t seen anyone misread a room this badly since Bill Clinton whipped it out in front of Paula Jones.
Meanwhile, on the news, the uh, graphics still say “White House in crisis.” They should say “White House laughing their asses off.” Clinton’s amazing. He’s gone from “Slick Willie” to “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks onto you.”
The Republicans finally realized this thing has been dragging on too long, so now Clinton has only one final hurdle: Henry Hyde’s 81 questions. I have them right here. Okay? [starts looking at the papers] Like question 41, which says, it’s the 13th part, and it says, “As to each, do you admit or deny that you gave the following gifts to Monica Lewinsky at any time in the past: a pin of the New York City skyline?” Is this guy a hillbilly, or what?…”A large Rockettes blanket?” Another airport gift. “An Annie Lennox compact CD?” That must’ve been like, “Oh Bill, you’re so with it!”…”A box of cherry chocolates?” You know that evidence was destroyed….I mean…[some cheers] the guy has got – the guy’s got class! It sounds like the gift pack they give you after you appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Thank you, folks! Hello! I’m Colin Quinn.
John Glenn and the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery returned to Earth safely today. Now that Glenn is home, NASA plans to spend Sunday airing out the shuttle, trying to get rid of that old-person smell. [some groans]…Come on! His good times are over! It’s time to get him!
Newly discovered descendants of Thomas Jefferson and his slave, Sally Hemmings, want to be buried in the family plot at Monticello. For many, the cemetery holds the first clue to Jefferson’s affair, since the inscription on his tombstone reads, “Once ye go black, ye never go back.”
New York’s Museum of Modern Art removed two paintings by Van Gogh because they were no longer considered modern. [photo of Newt Gingrich] [secretly] There’s a lot of that goin’ around! [little reaction]…Remember two minutes ago?
Folks, the FBI, folks. The FBI. The FBI is searching for whoever sent letters to eight abortion clinics, threatening to gas them with anthrax. Authorities think it’s people who are either anti-abortion or very, very, very pro-anthrax.
Hoping to create a tone of conciliation and understanding, demonstrators in Iran marked the 19th anniversary of the seizure of the American Embassy by inviting all the former hostages to come back and be guests. [laughter]…You know? That’s true. In a related story, former hostage Terry Waite finally worked up the courage to walk past a falafel stand.
The federal government has put out rewards for information leading to the arrest of Osama Bin Laden and his top henchman, Mohammed Atef. They’ll bring in five million apiece, or a total of 12.8 if you nab them while they’re killing Salman Rushdie….Five million dollars for a– Folks, it’s getting out of hand. Mark my words, if this keeps up, the U.N. will…be forced to create a terrorist salary cap. [chuckles mockingly] Aah, folks. [laughs]
In Bangladesh, feminist author Taslima Nasrin has disappeared. Authorities say Muslim extremists issued death threats against her for her opinions. Here’s a sample of her feminist writings: [cut to graphic with the quote] “I think when our husbands beat us, it should be done so as not to interfere with our goat-milking…I mean c’mon, it’s the 90s.” [cut to Colin; some applause]
Der Spiegel, folks. The German news magazine, Der Spiegel, defended its right to use a picture of Adolf Hitler to advertise a series about the 20th century. This could open the door for other advertisers. [doctored photo of Adolf Hitler with a milk mustache, with “Got milk?” at the bottom]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger lost her court battle to prevent 20-year-old nude pictures of her from being posted on the Internet. See, this is a terrible, terrible thing, folks. Every time some celebrity is embarrassed by old nude photos coming out, it makes it harder for us to get our girlfriends to pose naked.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman won a substantial settlement from a London tabloid that claimed their marriage was a sham, and that Cruise is gay. Cruise scampered off with the money, and blew it on shoes. [cheers and applause]
In Tony Bennett’s new memoir, The Good Life, he reveals he had a severe cocaine habit in the ’70s. About the same time he bought his current wig. [some boos]…Come on, nobody ever says anything bad about Tony Bennett. Don’t you think it’s about time he got nailed, too?…Just because?
Patrizia Reggiani Martinelli, folks. The ex-wife of Italian fashion heir Mauricio Gucci, was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder, and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price to pay for a Gucci knock-off. [cheers and applause]…Grazi! [acts Italian while accepting response]
The hot new movie in theaters this weekend is the story of Kenneth Starr’s future with the Republican party, The Waterboy.
Now, here to take a look at what’s happening in the world of entertainment, we’re proud to welcome back “The Hollywood Minute” with our very own David Spade.
[pan over to David]
David Spade: All right! [Colin laughs] Thanks, Colin. Funny Update.
Colin: [chuckles] Thanks!
David: [laughs] I mean that, for real. All right. I, uh…but Colin! I have something to say to you. I –
David: I’m not going to be doing “The Hollywood Minute” tonight…
Colin: [becomes disappointed] Oh–
Colin: Spade! What are you talking about?
David: It’s just…uh, I haven’t done it in a while…and it’s not really my thing anymore. I can’t…make fun of other celebrities. [reveals a David Spade puppet on his right hand] But he can! [cheers] [laughs] Okay, here we go…
[David uses a high-pitched, scratchy voice for his puppet]
David puppet: Ally McBeal! Maybe it’s time for you to try an Ally McMeal! [cheers and applause]
David: Hey, that’s – that’s not very nice. She looks good.
David puppet: Ted Danson has a new series, “Becker,” in which he plays a doctor. Script! Ratings! Eeeee! We lost him!
David: Come on, Ted Danson…he was – he was good on “Cheers.”
David puppet: Shut up! I got the floor!
Hi! I’m Alanis Morissette! I got the number one selling album! I’m the most popular singer in America! Hmm…what else do my fans want? Oh, yeah! A nude video showcasing my monster buttocks! [Colin laughs; cheers and applause]
Colin: He’s a bad boy!
David: He’s…rough!…Not…nice….Even for a puppet, that’s a little…
David puppet: Bobby Brown…shh! Bobby Brown recently spent five days in jail; two for drunk driving and three for his new album!
David: That was a pretty good one.
David puppet: Jason Priestley is leaving “Beverly Hills 90210” because he says…he says he wants to pursue a movie career. Jason can soon be seen on his new series, “Sacramento 93270.” [some applause]…See, because he doesn’t live in–
David: I get it. They don’t care.
Hey, Eddie Murphy, now I have to say that he was really funny in Dr. Dolittle.
David puppet: Yeah, but did you see Holy Man? Holy crap!…I guess you were wrong!
David: Hey, don’t say that! We’re friends now.
David puppet: That’s not what I heard!
David: Hi! I’m John– wait…
David puppet: Hi! I’m…[cheers and applause at David’s goof-up]
David: [laughs] I was doing good!
David puppet: Hi, I’m John Mellencamp’s wife! I used to be a Victoria’s Secret model! Now I spend my days in Seymour, Indiana milkin’ cows and gettin’ kicked in the face by horses! I could be at Skybar right now gettin’ hit on by Leonardo DiCaprio. Instead, I’m in Indiana attending the cu…the corn – corn-on-the-cob festival!
David: You got that one, buddy?…Is that joke still under construction? Should I put a hard hat on, throw down some flares? Okay.
David puppet: You are…[gradually quieter] you’re very humorous.
David: Was that your comeback? That sucks.
David puppet: Yeah, well…
David: You havin’ a little trouble with the cards there, buddy?
[cut to cue card guy Wally Feresten holding up tiny cue cards; cheers and applause, then cut to David and his puppet; David squints briefly at the cue cards then gets slapped in the face by his puppet]
David puppet: Where was I?
David: Maybe you should quit while you’re sucking.
David puppet: Speaking of sucking, I saw you on “Just Shoot Me.” [Colin chuckles]
David: All right, easy. You know, he’s getting his bearings back. We better get him out of here. Quinn! Come in here and say goodnight.
[Colin shows a Colin Quinn puppet on his left hand; the puppet has Colin’s regular voice]
Colin puppet: David Spade, everybody!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
[puppets play with each other]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson