SNL Transcripts: Joan Allen: 11/14/98: VH-1 Spirituality Awards


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

VH-1 Spirituality Awards

Andy Dick…..Chris Kattan
Maya Angelou…..Tracy Morgan
Marilyn Manson…..Jimmy Fallon
Alanis Morissette…..Cheri Oteri
Jesus…..Will Ferrell
Calista Flockheart…..Ana Gasteyer
Will Smith…..Tim Meadows
Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Madonna…..Joan Allen

Andy Dick: Hiii! I’m Andy Dick. Welcome back to the VH1 Spirituality Awards, the only awards show to honor the hottest celebrities and the cooooolest religions. Omigod! Do you like my outfit? I borrowed it from a girl. Is that weird? What’s wrong with me? Anyway, here to present the award for best spiritual event of the year are poet Maya Angelou and glam rocker Marilyn Manson!

(Maya and Marilyn enter the stage)

Maya Angelou: You know, Marilyn, I really enjoy your albums. They are more like poetry.

Marilyn Manson: Yeah. Your poetry is a lot like greeting cards. The nominees for spiritual event of the year are: Kundun helping the starving in Nepal, a man donating a kidney to his nephew, Natalie Imbruglia, the Pope proposes Edith Stein for sainthood. Great. And the number one most spiritually meaningful event of the year is: Edith Stein proposes for sainthood. Accepting for the Lady Edith Stein is Alanis Morissette.

(Alanis Morissette walks up to the stage, she is naked just like in her video “Thank U”)

Alanis Morissette: Edith would like me to thank the Pope, the Catholic Church, and all the celebrities here tonight. [singing to the tune of “Thank U”] How ’bout Edith, thank you, thank you… VH1.

Andy Dick: I am sooooo attracted to Marilyn Manson. That’s weird, isn’t it? I should like girls. I like these girls! Okay, here to present the award for most spiritual young actor are Calista Flockheart and (gasps) JESUS!

(Calista Flockheart and Jesus enter the stage)

Jesus: (puts glasses on and arranges them) Well, Calista, you look really skinny. You should try my new low-fat fishes diet.

Calista Flockheart: Thanks, Jesus. Maybe we should do lunch? I’ll have my people call your people.

Jesus: Better get started. I have billions of people.

Calista Flockheart: Well, Jesus, it’s been an amazing year for soulful young actors.

Jesus: Being with Allah, Buddha, or even me, these young cats really know how to get their inner groove on.

Calista Flockheart: The nominees for most spiritual young actor are… Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, David Arquette, Will Smith, and Chris Rock.

Jesus: And the winner is… why am I even opening it? I’m all-knowing. The winner is Will Smith.

(Will Smith walks on to the stage for his award)

Will Smith: Hey, how you doing? Hey, man, nice seeing you, man. Wow! Whoo! Hey, I wanna thank my beautiful wife Jada! I love you, baby! Yeah! I wanna thank the supreme being, the master creator, the king of kings… Barry Sonnenfeld for casting me in “Men in Black,” man, yeah! You the man, Barry! Whoo! Peace out, all right!

Andy Dick: Ooh… Jesus and Calista Flockheart… ooh! He’s a carpenter and she’s like Karen Carpenter. Whatever. Am I gay? Okay, okay, okay. Here to present a very holy and meaningful award is the woman who’s a goddess in her own right. Please welcome, former junkie stripper, Courtney Lovvvvve!

(Courtney Love enters the stage)

Courtney Love: Okay, I’m here to give out the first annual Mahatma Gandhi Award. This award is given to an individual who has dedicated her life to spiritual pursuits… y’know, like, without giving out her essential femininin – femininity… and, some kind of ononistic show of stoisism. What. YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SH… SH… Okay. This year’s Gandhi Award goes out to Madonna.

(Madonna walks onto the stage for her award and is kissed by Courtney Love)

Madonna: Um… thank you. If nothing else, Mahatma Gandhi was a man… who knew the importance of being spiritual. The incredible spiritual journey I have taken over the last ten weeks, I owe entirely to my teachings of the Kaballa. The Kaballa is a form of ancient Jewish mysticism that I learned in a night class in L.A. We are all rays of light, eminating from deity.

(Courtney Love re-enters)

Courtney Love: Remember, Madonna, like, eight years ago, when you were, like,  totally into the Virgin Mary… whatever happened to that? That’s weird.

Madonna: The desire to be known and to create comes from deity, and what is so terribly tragic…

Courtney Love: Wait, where is – w… why are you talking like that? Are you, like, from England or something? Are you from the London of England? Don’t forget, you’re from Detroit, Madonna Louise Ciconne! Detroit!

Madonna: Is that one of the tenants of Buddhism, Courtney, making fun of the way people talk?

Courtney Love: Okay, first of all, I just have to say, the Kaballa is scoffed up from mainstream Judaism. The second of all, Michael Stipe thinks it’s jackass.

Madonna: Courtney, Courtney. The goal of Buddhism is to attain Nirvana, not break it up.

Courtney Love: You SHUT UP! Shut up, you dyke! You shut up! (throws award out to the audience in anger)

Andy Dick: (makes gay noises) Okay, we got to go to a commercial. But stick around, ’cause when we come back, we got performances by – (starts shaking his hands in a gay manner) Natalie Merchant and the Devil.


Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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