SNL Transcripts: Joan Allen: 11/14/98: Opposites Attract

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Opposites Attract

Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill ] [ fade to interior, Speaker’s office – Bob Livingston replaces NewtGingrich’s nameplate with his own ]

Bob Livingston: Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Newt Gingrich: [ enters ] Bob.

Bob Livingston: Oh, hey, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, hey, Speaker of the House. I don’t mean tointerrupt.

Bob Livingston: Oh no, don’t be silly. Technically, it’s not myoffice yet.

Newt Gingrich: No, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.

Bob Livingston: I did that for you. I put all your stuff right here in this box.

Newt Gingrich: Oh. Well.. thank you.

Bob Livingston: Don’t mention it.

Newt Gingrich: Where’s my cup? My “Speaker Does it on the Floor” cup? [ points to desk ] You’ve got your pens in it!

Bob Livingston: Oh. Is that yours? I thought it came with the office.

Newt Gingrich: No! [ takes his cup ]

Bob Livingston: Hey, I know it’s unpleasant when you get booted out..

Newt Gingrich: Hey, I didn’t get booted out! I resigned.

Bob Livingston: Oh, not you.. I mean, it would be hard, you know, if they got fired.. but you resigned. Oh, by the way.. [ grabs a balled-up piece of paper ] you want this?

Newt Gingrich: What’s that?

Bob Livingston: [ unfolds paper ] It’s your Contract With America. I found it this way. [ laughs ] [ President Bill Clinton peeks into the office ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey, guys! Just came by to see if I’mimpeached yet! [ laughs ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey, Bill.

President Bill Clinton: [ shakes hands ] How are you, Newt? It’s good to see you. Man, look at this city! It’s not gonna be the same without you, Newt. Bob, will you give us just a second?

Bob Livingston: Fine. It’s only my office! [ throws hispencils at his desk ] God, I can’t wait until George Bush is President.

President Bill Clinton: He already was. And I beat him!

Bob Livingston: Yeah, but now there’s a new George Bush -George W. Bush! And he’s younger, and better, and faster! Whoo! Rock and roll! [ shoves Newt, then exits office ]

President Bill Clinton: What an ass!

Newt Gingrich: That’s, uh.. that’s what you used to call me.

President Bill Clinton: You know, Newt, I’m gonna miss your giant hate-filled head.

Newt Gingrich: I appreciate that, Bill. Boy, we sure shook this town up, didn’t we?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, hell yeah! Remember when you wouldn’t let us pass Health Care Reform?

Newt Gingrich: Yeah. Or how we watered down the assault weapons ban?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah.

Newt Gingrich: And how I fought funding for school repairs?

President Bill Clinton: Oh yeah, right. And now, because of you, there are a lot of sick, illiterate kids with gunshot wounds!

Newt Gingrich: Yeah, there are. Thanks, Bill. Boy, we sure played off each other well.

President Bill Clinton: Yeah, we’re two peas in a pod!

Newt Gingrich: Right. Two peas who hate each other with aburning white passion!

[ they laugh ]

President Bill Clinton: I don’t know how I’m gonna manage without you.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, don’t worry, Bill. We’ll meet again. Someday.

[ breaks into song ]I’ll never forget the night we met
I was making fun of minorities.”

President Bill Clinton: “How well I recall, that magic ball
When you achieved Congressional seniorities.”

Together: “We’ll meet again someday, ’cause our reign is here to stay
It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

[ they dance across the set ]

President Bill Clinton: “You hate poor people, I’m a hypocrite.”

Newt Gingrich: “But somehow this partnership works, somehow this match was a hit!
Like Rogers and Astaire.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Mr. and Mrs. von Bulow.
Our only bond was a burning white hate.”

Together: “It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

President Bill Clinton: You old son of a gun!

Newt Gingrich: I hate you!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, no! I hate you!

Newt Gingrich: [ singing ]“Like hope and Farrakhan.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Kurt Cobain and fame.”

Newt Gingrich: “Without you around, it ain’t the same game.”

Together: “It just goes to show you, oh don’t you know you..
It just goes to show you, opposites attract!”

[ Bill and Newt take each other’s arms and fall into a loving embrace ]

President Bill Clinton: Damn, that was nice!

Newt Gingrich: “You’re the wrong to my right.”

President Bill Clinton: “You made it fun to fight.”
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s.. Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight!

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