SNL Transcripts: Joan Allen: 11/14/98: Opposites Attract


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Opposites Attract

Bob Livingston…..Will Ferrell
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Parnell
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill ] [ fade to interior, Speaker’s office – Bob Livingston replaces NewtGingrich’s nameplate with his own ]

Bob Livingston: Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Newt Gingrich: [ enters ] Bob.

Bob Livingston: Oh, hey, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, hey, Speaker of the House. I don’t mean tointerrupt.

Bob Livingston: Oh no, don’t be silly. Technically, it’s not myoffice yet.

Newt Gingrich: No, sit down. I just came by to clear out my desk.

Bob Livingston: I did that for you. I put all your stuff right here in this box.

Newt Gingrich: Oh. Well.. thank you.

Bob Livingston: Don’t mention it.

Newt Gingrich: Where’s my cup? My “Speaker Does it on the Floor” cup? [ points to desk ] You’ve got your pens in it!

Bob Livingston: Oh. Is that yours? I thought it came with the office.

Newt Gingrich: No! [ takes his cup ]

Bob Livingston: Hey, I know it’s unpleasant when you get booted out..

Newt Gingrich: Hey, I didn’t get booted out! I resigned.

Bob Livingston: Oh, not you.. I mean, it would be hard, you know, if they got fired.. but you resigned. Oh, by the way.. [ grabs a balled-up piece of paper ] you want this?

Newt Gingrich: What’s that?

Bob Livingston: [ unfolds paper ] It’s your Contract With America. I found it this way. [ laughs ] [ President Bill Clinton peeks into the office ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey, guys! Just came by to see if I’mimpeached yet! [ laughs ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey, Bill.

President Bill Clinton: [ shakes hands ] How are you, Newt? It’s good to see you. Man, look at this city! It’s not gonna be the same without you, Newt. Bob, will you give us just a second?

Bob Livingston: Fine. It’s only my office! [ throws hispencils at his desk ] God, I can’t wait until George Bush is President.

President Bill Clinton: He already was. And I beat him!

Bob Livingston: Yeah, but now there’s a new George Bush -George W. Bush! And he’s younger, and better, and faster! Whoo! Rock and roll! [ shoves Newt, then exits office ]

President Bill Clinton: What an ass!

Newt Gingrich: That’s, uh.. that’s what you used to call me.

President Bill Clinton: You know, Newt, I’m gonna miss your giant hate-filled head.

Newt Gingrich: I appreciate that, Bill. Boy, we sure shook this town up, didn’t we?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, hell yeah! Remember when you wouldn’t let us pass Health Care Reform?

Newt Gingrich: Yeah. Or how we watered down the assault weapons ban?

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah.

Newt Gingrich: And how I fought funding for school repairs?

President Bill Clinton: Oh yeah, right. And now, because of you, there are a lot of sick, illiterate kids with gunshot wounds!

Newt Gingrich: Yeah, there are. Thanks, Bill. Boy, we sure played off each other well.

President Bill Clinton: Yeah, we’re two peas in a pod!

Newt Gingrich: Right. Two peas who hate each other with aburning white passion!

[ they laugh ]

President Bill Clinton: I don’t know how I’m gonna manage without you.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, don’t worry, Bill. We’ll meet again. Someday.

[ breaks into song ]I’ll never forget the night we met
I was making fun of minorities.”

President Bill Clinton: “How well I recall, that magic ball
When you achieved Congressional seniorities.”

Together: “We’ll meet again someday, ’cause our reign is here to stay
It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

[ they dance across the set ]

President Bill Clinton: “You hate poor people, I’m a hypocrite.”

Newt Gingrich: “But somehow this partnership works, somehow this match was a hit!
Like Rogers and Astaire.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Mr. and Mrs. von Bulow.
Our only bond was a burning white hate.”

Together: “It just goes to show that age-old fact
That when you get down to it, opposites attract!”

President Bill Clinton: You old son of a gun!

Newt Gingrich: I hate you!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, no! I hate you!

Newt Gingrich: [ singing ]“Like hope and Farrakhan.”

President Bill Clinton: “Like Kurt Cobain and fame.”

Newt Gingrich: “Without you around, it ain’t the same game.”

Together: “It just goes to show you, oh don’t you know you..
It just goes to show you, opposites attract!”

[ Bill and Newt take each other’s arms and fall into a loving embrace ]

President Bill Clinton: Damn, that was nice!

Newt Gingrich: “You’re the wrong to my right.”

President Bill Clinton: “You made it fun to fight.”
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s.. Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight!

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x