Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Martha Stewart Living
Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer
Martha’s Mother … Joan Allen
Announcer: Tomorrow on Martha Stewart Living:
Martha Stewart: I’m Martha Stewart. Thanksgiving: it’s not just a day for turkey and dressing. This traditional American Holiday commemorates the Autumn feast when our Pilgrim forefathers and the nearby savages put an end to their vicious fighting. In keeping with that tradition I’ll be joined tomorrow on “Living” by my mother.
Mrs. Stewart: [enters] Get your bangs out of your eyes. [she brushes Martha’s bangs to the side]
Martha Stewart: We’ll reveal some of the Stewart family’s time-honored Turkey Day secrets.
Mrs. Stewart: The hell we will.
Martha Stewart: Cool it. Mother will share her famous recipe for twice-baked sweet potatoes.
Mrs. Stewart: Simple, fresh ingredients are the only secret to this classic side dish.
Martha Stewart: [picks up a bottle] Although, balsamic vinegar would make a wonderful modern addition.
Mrs. Stewart: Don’t be ridiculous. That’s idiotic.
Martha Stewart: I just thought that maybe …
Mrs. Stewart: I know what I’m doing.
Martha Stewart: Mother, you really don’t …
Mrs. Stewart: Look, don’t. Please. [grabs the bottle of vinegar away from Martha and sets it down]
Martha Stewart: [steps away and does her Martha smile] The table setting is a wonderful opportunity to marry family tradition with personal style. I’ve offset my grandmother’s stoneware with miniature gourds and these luxurious Moroccan textiles.
Mrs. Stewart: Your grandmother hated Moroccans.
Martha Stewart: [loses the smile, presses on] We’ll also relate some our favorite Thanksgiving memories. I’ll never forget the year it snowed.
Mrs. Stewart: It never snowed on Thanksgiving.
Martha Stewart: Yes it did. It’s a childhood memory I really cherish.
Mrs. Stewart: Well, it never happened.
Martha Stewart: Are you calling me a liar?
Mrs. Stewart: We will not do this here, Martha. Simmer down.
Martha Stewart: [noticeably upset now] Of course, no Thanksgiving would be complete without taking a moment to recall a few things for which we are grateful. I give thanks for forsythia, Beefeaters Gin and Caller ID. Mother?
Mrs. Stewart: I give thanks for Talbots, Beefeaters Gin and my flawless memory.
Martha Stewart: It did snow, Mother.
Mrs. Stewart: Martha, it didn’t.
Martha Stewart: It was the same Thanksgiving your forced Robby to play touch-football.
Mrs. Stewart: I never did that.
Martha Stewart: Yes, you did. You said if he didn’t you’d lock him up in a hospital for fruits.
Mrs. Stewart: Ah, yes. Now I remember.
Martha Stewart: Join us tomorrow on “Living”.
Mrs. Stewart: Thanksgiving comes but once a year.
Martha Stewart: And that’s a good thing.[fade]
Submitted by: Michael Menninger