Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Greg Hankertine…..Tim Meadows
Debs Macallum…..Joan Allen
Jerry Seinfeld…..Jimmy Fallon
[Opens with a jumbo jet departing]
Announcer: Live from La Guardia Airport in New York City is “Tarmac Talk”. With your hosts, Greg Hankertine and Debs Macallum.
[Tarmac Talk logo]
[Debs and Greg sit on their TV talk show set on a noisy and windy airport tarmac. Cyclone fence behind them, guiding lights flashing]
Debs Macallum: Hi. I’m Debs Macallum and this is Greg Hankertine. Welcome to the very first episode of “Tarmac Talk”. The only talk show smart enough…
Greg Hankertine: …and fun enough…
Debs Macallum: …to broadcast live from an airport tarmac. Why? Because airports are exciting places. Filled with heartfelt hellos and goodbyes. What better place to host a talk show than here?
Greg Hankertine: There is none.
Debs Macallum: None.
Greg Hankertine: Debs and I worked so hard on this show. And we’re so thrilled to get it off the ground. Pun definitely intended.
Debs Macallum: That’s right. It was Greg’s brainchild. And when he told me the idea I kissed him on the lips for 8 minutes and the next day we were married.
Greg Hankertine: That’s right. Debs, I got an idea. Let’s get really special right now. Let’s start the fun, ok? Please welcome our first guest, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.
[Jerry comes out and shakes hands, they sit down. It is very noisy and newspapers sheets blow all around]
Debs Macallum: Jerry! Thank you so much for coming to our first show of “Tarmac Talk”.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it’s nice to be here. But, uh, what are you people thinking? We’re on an airport tarmac!
Greg Hankertine: Yeah. Jerry, do you feel you have anything left to prove as a comedian?
Jerry Seinfeld: What?! Its very hard to hear you! Am I finished? Can I go?
[It gets dangerously windy and the jet engine roars get closer]
Greg Hankertine: Well, it is getting kind of rowdy in here. It’s kind of like a big studio audience.
Jerry Seinfeld: It’s loud and hot! I hate it.
Debs Macallum: We didn’t realize that this would happen. Some things are just unpredictable.
Jerry Seinfeld: You didn’t realize there would be planes? It’s a working airport! It’s an airport tarmac! I must ask you people again, what were you people thinking?!
Greg Hankertine: So Jerry, what about those cabbies and their b.o.?
[Jet engine roar is deafening, windy as a hurricane]
Jerry Seinfeld: WHAT?!
Greg Hankertine: Oh, my God! Debs!!!
[An airplane is taking off, the roar is thunderous, the wind blows the talk show set apart. Debs hangs on for dear life to her chair, Jerry flips over with the chair and Greg hangs to a pole and flies completely horizontal while screaming]
Jerry Seinfeld: WHOOOOOAAAHH!!!
Debs Macallum: WHOOOOO!!! HA! HA! HA!
Greg Hankertine: OH MY GOD!!!!
[Airplane takes off and the wind and roar die down. Greg comes down from the pole, Jerry gets up and sits on the table at the center. Debs puts herself together]
Greg Hankertine: Oh, boy!
Debs Macallum: Wow.
Greg Hankertine: For those of you just joining us, this is “Tarmac Talk”. And we just got our crap blown out by a United D.C. 10.
Debs Macallum: We sure did. Jerry, we apologize. We did not expect that to happen.
Greg Hankertine: No.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not?! You’re on an airport tarmac! I can’t stress this enough! Planes take off on an airport tarmac!
Debs Macallum: Well, in retrospect. Maybe you’re right.
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course I’m right! You guys are morons!
Greg Hankertine: Well, thank you for joining us. We’re going to work out the kinks. And we invite you to tune in tomorrow. Ted Grimby from the Bronx Zoo will be here with some gorillas and crocodiles.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don’t do that! Don’t do that!
Debs Macallum: Plus a glassblowing demonstration and the world’s oldest woman!
Jerry Seinfeld: Seriously! Do not do that!
[Jet engine roars gets near, wind blows hard and fast]
Greg Hankertine: There’s another one!!! HOLD ON!!! OH YEAH!!!!
[Furious jet engine roar, Greg flies horizontally hanging from the pole, Jerry flips over, table and all, and Debs hangs on to her chair while the wind blows everything apart]
[Tarmac Talk logo]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel