SNL Transcripts: Joan Allen: 11/14/98: Weekend Update with Colin Quinn



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6





98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri

[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]

Colin Quinn: Okay, folks!

Here’s the latest situation in Iraq. This morning Iraq sent the U.N. a letter saying, “Okay. The weapons inspectors can come back.” Late this afternoon, the White House rejected the letter. Clinton said, “That’s an insincere apology. And I know an insincere apology when I hear one.”

So now…we might have a war, folks. All right? Now why did it have to come to this? Come on! We’ve given them more warnings over there than Billy Crystal’s managers when they handed him the script to My Giant….Why did they push us? Don’t they know that’s what we do? We have bombs, and if you have bombs, you’re gonna want to show them off, eventually. Like the guy with the black belt; even if he’s a nice guy, sooner or later he’s gonna want to throw a kick at somebody.

And it’s all about getting the U.N. weapons inspectors back in. And that’s the worst job in the world. Who do you have to piss off to get that assignment in your country? All right? One minute, you get a nice government job in Norway, surrounded by beautiful blonde women, you accidentally hit on your boss’ mistress; next thing you know, you’re in Baghdad sharing a tent with an Egyptian who called in sick too much….You know. And some Tanzanian guy who mouthed off at the office Christmas party.

And you know, we’ve been sanctioning these people for eight years, they have nothing over there, only the bare necessities. And Hussein still gets a 97 percent approval rating….Of course, the polls are different over there. Guys come up to your house with machetes. “What do you think of Hussein?”…”I like him!”

But a war is not good, folks. Nobody profits from a war. Only the guy in Jersey who’s printing up the “Saddam sucks” T-shirts, as we speak. And Wolf Blitzer, who bought a new blazer today ’cause he thinks his career is coming back.

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Aah, folks! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!

President Clinton agreed yesterday to pay Paula Jones 850,000 dollars to drop her sexual harassment lawsuit, making it the most money a hillbilly has gotten since Buddy Ebsen was shootin’ at some food. [some applause]

You know, between Jesse “The Body” and Paula Jones, this is the most lucrative week for white trash since “Cops” went into syndication. [cheers]

This week, an appeals court reversed a prior decision awarding O.J. Simpson custody of the two children he had with Nicole Brown. The court expressed concern when they learned that when the kids are bad, O.J. warns them, “Don’t make me get the knife!” [some groans]…Tragedy is great comedy, folks. You know that.

Many insiders…many insiders are speculating that Newt Gingrich’s next move could be product endorsement. Coca-Cola has offered him a million dollars to drink Pepsi. [cheers and applause]

Yesterday, Ken Starr in – indicted President Clinton’s friend Webster Hubbell on 15 counts of perjury and fraud relating to the Whitewater investigation. In a related story, next week Luke Perry is going back to “90210.”…Back to Whitewater, huh Ken?

House Majority Leader Dick Armey is being challenged for his post by ex-NFL player Steve Largent. Now, if you play in the NFL, you’re definitely gonna get the macho vote. Who’s more macho than an ex-football player? Only a guy named Dick Armey. [some cheers and applause]…I don’t know. It’s macho, folks!…It sounds like the G.I. Joe doll nobody talked about, when we were little.

International terrorist Carlos the Jackal has refused food and water this week in protest over his treatment in a French prison. Carlos admits that the French guards don’t hit him; they are just very, very condescending.

Tibet’s exiled Dalai Lama this week said the distrust between himself and China is too deep to reopen Tibetan autonomy talks. Of course this guy says he can’t work things out! The Dalai Lama is in no rush to get back! People over here are throwing benefits for him, dedicating Oscars to him. What are his choices? Fasting on a mountain with some monks, or making out with Gretchen Moll at the premiere of Meet Joe Black….Or a third choice, which I don’t know, but…

This week, folks, the National Governors’ Association welcomed Minnesota’s new governor, Jesse Ventura, who arrived late wearing a tasseled leather jacket and white boots. Yeah, that’s how you want your governor dressing like! Tanya Tucker with a dash of gay stripper. [some cheers and applause] I’ll say it to his face, folks!

Yesterday, Sean Connery’s wife…Sean Connery’s wife was robbed of about one million dollars’ worth of jewelry while she was at dinner. To add insult to injury, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan were called in to investigate.

A news report that alleges Israeli agents are using Canadian passports for covert operations has caused a rise in diplomatic tensions between Canada and Israel. Feel the wrath and power of Canada! [some applause]

The general manager of the New York Mets took a leave of absence this week after a former employee threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. Ah, you can’t blame him, he’s just trying to get a little Mookie. [some boos]…You know…it’s New York, folks. It’s the only place it even had a chance, and you turned on it, all right?

According to an article in The New Yor— in The Washington Post, many senior citizens are choosing retirement communities near their old colleges. The new residents are finding it is invigorating to be in such a young atmosphere, but were disappointed that the phrase “I was at Normandy” won’t get you laid anymore.

According to Swing magazine, the most influential twenty-something in America is Monica Lewinsky. The least influential twenty-something in America is Dirty Jack from the Dairy Mart in Webster, Texas….That’s a real guy that I have to see every day. All right?

The English tabloids reported that three members of Prime Minister Tony Blair’s cabinet are gay. However, it turns out that the men were just really, really British. [some applause]

This week, rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard was arrested for terrorist threats against his girlfriend. You can read about it in the new Wu-Tang book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Page Them….It’s his third arrest this year, folks. His third arrest this year. Him and Bobby Brown are getting to be like Sosa and McGwire. [some applause]

Universal has had to push back the release date for their Thanksgiving sequel to Babe. Production was thrown off schedule when the caterers made a terrible, terrible mistake. [some applause]

Two large drug companies announced earlier this week that they have developed new painkillers that work without the side effects associated with aspirin and ibuprofen. Here to comment is our resident prescription drug, uh…expert? Yeah, expert. Please welcome Collette Reardon.

[Pan over to Collette, who’s in a drug-induced state. She has a plastic bag full of prescription drugs and takes some out throughout her appearance.]

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! You know, Col, there’s so many exciting new prescriptions on the horizon, that this gal’s just beside herself!

Colin: What do you got there?

Collette: Oh, these. Well, these – these are just my personal travel pack of prescription honeys. Yeah. You see, I take – I take the Funerol here–

Colin: Furenol?!

Collette: Yeah. The Furenol. It’s a kick-ass combo of analgesics and barbiturates, Col. Prescribed to me by my psychopharmacologist, Dr. Dominick Aku. Good kid, good kid, ‘Ku!…Well now, for example, Col, okay…when I get a headache, all right? I just knock back some of the Furees along with a baker’s dozen of the Percocet…you know, just to make pain my bitch.

Colin: [confused] Okay.

Collette: No one gets hurt!

Colin: Super! So what do you make of this new painkiller that is soon to be put out on the market?

Collette: I’m not fightin’ it! No! No fight here! You know, I could probably use them as a handy chaser to my Diazepam that I take for my acute anx – anxiety, [energetically] on account of the holidays comin’ up, Col!

Colin: Why do the holidays have you so frazzled?

Collette: Well, for starters, Col, I can’t decide whether to get your standard Buttel – Butterball, or just a kick-ass ham! So Dr. Tito Bevilaqua hooks me up with a handful of Demerol paired with a shot of liquid Methedrine, and poof! Guess who’s in the holiday spirit!

Colin: You?

Collette: You guessed ‘er, Chester! [laughs]

Colin: That’s a pretty, uh…harsh combination. Maybe next time you want to get into the holiday spirit, you should just try eggnog. [Collette laughs loudly]…I’m serious. Now, Mrs. Reardon…

Collette: That’s…[grabs her lipstick container] that’s Ms. Reardon, sexcicle. [applies lipstick]…Huh?…You know, Col…I – you know, if you don’t have any plans for turkey day, I’ve got an extra beanbag chair with your name on it. Huh?

Colin: Actually, I have plans. So uh, how are you getting home? You’re not driving, are you?

Collette: Oh no, I’m getting picked up by my buddy, Dr. Steve Longshoe. He practices medicine on the reservation. Yeah, he’s gonna hook me up with same – some peyote for my cold sore. [touches lip] Ow!…That smarts! Cold sores!

Colin: Collette Reardon, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[Collette sits on Colin’s lap and humps him]

[fade to black]

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