Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 7
98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show
Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarrists…..Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell
Gina Cutter…..Jennifer Love Hewitt
Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas. I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes….Show. Now, say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.
[band plays some notes]Guadalupe: Thank you my friend, yes!
[band plays two notes]Antonio: You…you are so the sexy!
Guadalupe: NO, NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, YES!…[his bandmates start agreeing with him; Antonio laughs] YES, MY FRIEND! ¡SÍ, SÍ! YOU SEXY!
Antonio: Gracias. I mean…graci-ass.
Band: Ohh!
Antonio: No I don’t.
Band: Oh.
Antonio: [exhales] Let’s be seriousness now. [band resumes soft music] For a moment. No more jokey stuff. None of the ha-has. Please, put the hands together for tonight’s very special breast. She is a young woman…es…she is the recycling chairman of her college juniversity. Please welcome Miss Gina Cutter.
[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Gina comes in. Antonio kisses her hand and gives her a rose. Gina sits down. The music stops.]Please…seat.
[band plays two notes; Antonio sits down]Gina Cutter: Thank you, Mr. Banderas.
Antonio: No. No no no, no, no no no. Call me…”The Sexy.”
Gina: Okay, Mr. Sexy…
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] ¡TÚ MR. SEXY! YES! ¡TÚ SEXY!
Antonio: [laughs; Gina smells the rose] This is true….It is getting hot in here, no?
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] A little hot, yes.
Antonio: Well, [stands up] I think I’ll just…
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO!…NO, PLEASE! NO, NO! TOO SEXY! NO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! NO, NO! IT’S TOO SEXY! PLEASE! [cheers]
Antonio: But I must. [band plays fast music while he undoes a button on his shirt]…Thank you. [sits back down] Okay. Now we have a good time.
[starts looking at Gina’s breasts] Wait an hour here! What is this?Gina: Hm?
Antonio: I did not bro– uh, notice that you brought your friends. [motions to Gina’s breasts]…Who – who are your friends? And – and what is their names?
Gina: [clutching her chest] My friends?
Antonio: Shh! Don’t wake them….Don’t close their eyes. [puts Gina’s hands down]…They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly, boobily things….You know, the kind you like to hang like ornaments from a Christmas train….Very sexy.
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY! VERY SEXY! [laughs]
Gina: Wait a minute, aren’t you married to Melanie Griffith?
Antonio: [laughs] Sí. I am betrothed to her. She is, uh…how do you say…ah yes. Old, and not here.
Gina: [appalled] That – that is your wife you’re talking about! That is not very nice!
Antonio: [getting gradually closer to Gina’s face] Shhhhh…[touches Gina’s lip] shh-poo-poo! Listen to me. You can make the lips move, but don’t make a sound.
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY, YES! VERY, VERY SEXY, SIR! PLEASE! [Antonio raises his finger]…Very sorry.
Antonio: It is hot in here, no?
Gina: No, it’s not hot at all.
Antonio: Well then, in that case… [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO, NO! PLEASE, NO! DON’T DO IT! NO, SEÑOR! PLEASE, NO! IT’S SIMPLY LOCO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! DON’T DO IT! NO! [cheers]
Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the next button on his shirt]…Okay. [grabs his zipper] Maybe I should let my [faster music] friend to come out to play for– no….[music stops; sits back down] Okay.
Now….Now is the time– [calms the audience down] please, let’s, come on. Now is the time of the show when I have the sex with you. [turns to Gina]
Gina: [shocked] What?! No! [Antonio starts to get on top of her] No!
Antonio: No, I am sorry. All of a sudden, I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream some quotes from my movie, Evita. [winks]
Gina: Oh my God! I am 19, you creep!
Antonio: In my country, you are past the prime. [winks]
Gina: [tries to fight him off] No, I made a big mistake coming here!
Antonio: Ohh! Yes, you are right! It is truly hot in here. Maybe I should just do something about it. [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO! NO, PLEASE! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO! NO! LET’S– MI AMIGO, PLEASE! HEY, SEÑOR! IT’S TOO SEXY! NO!
Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he tries to take his shirt off and advance toward Gina] NOW! I WILL HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU! I HAVE YOUR ARM, THAT WILL BE MINE! [Gina puts her hand in his face and leaves in a hurry] COME ON! COME ON! LET’S DO IT NOW!
[music becomes soft; Antonio sits back down with his shirt half off]She will be back. For she is like a bird. And I am like a tiger. And when we make the sex, we will produce a bird…ger….Well, you know what I’m saying. Well! We will see you next time on The…[music stops momentarily] how do you say? Ah yes. Show.
[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title] [fade to black]Submitted by: Gregory Larson
