Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 7
98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
Saddam’s Private Bunker
Saddam Hussein….Will FerrellU.N. Inspector 1….Tim MeadowsU.N. Inspector 2….Horatio SanzU.N. Inspector 3….Chris Parnell
[Opens with shot of downtown buildings on Irak]
Caption: Tuesday, Nov. 17 1998.
[Cut to underground military bunker. U.N. WeaponsInspectors take notes on their clipboards]
U.N. Inspector 2: All right. This area looks clear.
U.N. Inspector 1: Ok.
Saddam Hussein: Well, look who has returned totorment the people of Irak. Listen, there are nochemical weapons here. Come on.
U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right. All right, Saddam,what’s in that room over there?
[point to a door]
Saddam Hussein: That is my private bunker. There isnothing of interest in there for you.
U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, Saddam. You know the rules.Unfettered access to all sites. Ok? Come on, open up.
Saddam Hussein: Bro’. No room to hide weapons. Ok?Just my personal effects in there. You’re wasting mytime bro’.
U.N. Inspector 3: We’ll be the judge of that.
Saddam Hussein: Be a bro’!
[They all go into a room that looks pretty much like ateenager’s room. Poster of Pamela Anderson and schoolbanners are on the walls, bed, nothing fancy]
U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, so this is the inner sanctum ofthe great Hussein?
Saddam Hussein: Come on now, give me a break.
U.N. Inspector 2:[points to a Spice Girls poster]Oh,man! It must’ve broken your heart when Ginger left thegroup, huh?[laughs mockingly]
U.N. Inspector 3: Look at this place!
U.N. Inspector 1:[holding a graduation photo] Hey,nice picture jackass!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, come on. Lay off. I was in highschool, ok? C’mon.
U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right.[looks under thebed]What’s under here?
Saddam Hussein:[panicked]There’s nothing there!
U.N. Inspector 1: Really?[pulls out exercise machine]
Saddam Hussein: Oh, I forgot. It’s my Chuck NorrisTotal Gym.[makes karate moves]
U.N. Inspector 3: It looks like its never been used.
Saddam Hussein: Well, it seems so easy on tape. Butthis thing’s too unstable. You guys should inspect thefactories that make this crap, huh?
U.N. Inspector 1:[pulls out book]Hey, look at what thegreat dictator is reading![Men are from Mars. Womenare from Venus by John Gray]
Saddam Hussein: Come on! I thought the same thing. Ibought it as a joke but I learned a lot, my wife, shedoesn’t want me to solve her problems, she just wantsme to listen to her.
U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, oh. Look what I got.[pulls out an LP]
U.N. Inspector 1: What did you find?
U.N. Inspector 2: CC Music Factory!![laughs hard,everyone cracks up]
Saddam Hussein: Ok, that’s not mine! That’s not mine!That’s my old lady’s! Come on!
U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, sure it’s not yours. Nicesheets.[looks under the mattress]Uh, look at thisfellas![pulls out a few catalogs] Oooh!! VictoriaSecret’s!
Saddam Hussein: I don’t have to explain those![grabsthe catalogs] Not to you!
U.N. Inspector 3: [pulls out little notebook]Hey,check this out, check this out.[mocking voice] “DearDiary: That guy from the Daily Show called me SaddamInsane. Does he think that’s funny, even though I’veheard it since the second grade, it still hurts.
[passes diary to Inspector 2]
Saddam Hussein: That’s clearly not a weapon. Hand that back!
U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, wait.[mocking voice]”Dear Diary:On Dawson’s Creek Pacey cheated with Christina andthen Andy found out, she was devastated. I felt thesame way when I had my son in law executed.
Saddam Hussein: Hey!, it isn’t funny!
[Tries to take back the diary, trips on his bed,Inspector 2 passes the diary to Inspector 1. Saddamsits on his bed all sad]
U.N. Inspector 1: Hey, fellas! Listen! “Dear Diary:The U.N. Weapons Inspectors returned to Baghdad today.It’s been two weeks since they’ve been here. I missthem.[sentimental music]We argue a lot but I know theycare about me. I can’t wait to see them because theyare my only true friends. I love them. Saddam, wedidn’t know you felt this way.
[they gather around Saddam]
Saddam Hussein:[crying]It’s hard for me to express myemotions and uuhh…John Gray talks about it in hisbook aah…you don’t want to hear it….
U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, come on Saddam, I think I speakfor all the guys when I say we feel the same way.
[The 3 Inspectors give Saddam a group hug]
Saddam Hussein:[chokes, sobs]You guys are the best.
U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, man. Give it up. Give it up.
Saddam Hussein: You guys are the best[cries]That feltvery good. It hasn’t happened in a long time. Hey, youwant to know where I hide the Anthrax?
U.N. Inspectors: Yeah!!
Saddam Hussein: You guys are not gonna believe it. Youguys were so close. I was sure you were going to find it.
U.N. Inspector 1: Really? I was so close?
[Happy music plays, Saddam and the Inspectors leavethe room happy as clams]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
