SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Love Hewitt: 11/21/98: Saddam’s Private Bunker


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

Saddam’s Private Bunker

Saddam Hussein….Will FerrellU.N. Inspector 1….Tim MeadowsU.N. Inspector 2….Horatio SanzU.N. Inspector 3….Chris Parnell

[Opens with shot of downtown buildings on Irak]

Caption: Tuesday, Nov. 17 1998.

[Cut to underground military bunker. U.N. WeaponsInspectors take notes on their clipboards]

U.N. Inspector 2: All right. This area looks clear.

U.N. Inspector 1: Ok.

Saddam Hussein: Well, look who has returned totorment the people of Irak. Listen, there are nochemical weapons here. Come on.

U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right. All right, Saddam,what’s in that room over there?

[point to a door]

Saddam Hussein: That is my private bunker. There isnothing of interest in there for you.

U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, Saddam. You know the rules.Unfettered access to all sites. Ok? Come on, open up.

Saddam Hussein: Bro’. No room to hide weapons. Ok?Just my personal effects in there. You’re wasting mytime bro’.

U.N. Inspector 3: We’ll be the judge of that.

Saddam Hussein: Be a bro’!

[They all go into a room that looks pretty much like ateenager’s room. Poster of Pamela Anderson and schoolbanners are on the walls, bed, nothing fancy]

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, so this is the inner sanctum ofthe great Hussein?

Saddam Hussein: Come on now, give me a break.

U.N. Inspector 2:[points to a Spice Girls poster]Oh,man! It must’ve broken your heart when Ginger left thegroup, huh?[laughs mockingly]

U.N. Inspector 3: Look at this place!

U.N. Inspector 1:[holding a graduation photo] Hey,nice picture jackass!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, come on. Lay off. I was in highschool, ok? C’mon.

U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right.[looks under thebed]What’s under here?

Saddam Hussein:[panicked]There’s nothing there!

U.N. Inspector 1: Really?[pulls out exercise machine]

Saddam Hussein: Oh, I forgot. It’s my Chuck NorrisTotal Gym.[makes karate moves]

U.N. Inspector 3: It looks like its never been used.

Saddam Hussein: Well, it seems so easy on tape. Butthis thing’s too unstable. You guys should inspect thefactories that make this crap, huh?

U.N. Inspector 1:[pulls out book]Hey, look at what thegreat dictator is reading![Men are from Mars. Womenare from Venus by John Gray]

Saddam Hussein: Come on! I thought the same thing. Ibought it as a joke but I learned a lot, my wife, shedoesn’t want me to solve her problems, she just wantsme to listen to her.

U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, oh. Look what I got.[pulls out an LP]

U.N. Inspector 1: What did you find?

U.N. Inspector 2: CC Music Factory!![laughs hard,everyone cracks up]

Saddam Hussein: Ok, that’s not mine! That’s not mine!That’s my old lady’s! Come on!

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, sure it’s not yours. Nicesheets.[looks under the mattress]Uh, look at thisfellas![pulls out a few catalogs] Oooh!! VictoriaSecret’s!

Saddam Hussein: I don’t have to explain those![grabsthe catalogs] Not to you!

U.N. Inspector 3: [pulls out little notebook]Hey,check this out, check this out.[mocking voice] “DearDiary: That guy from the Daily Show called me SaddamInsane. Does he think that’s funny, even though I’veheard it since the second grade, it still hurts.

[passes diary to Inspector 2]

Saddam Hussein: That’s clearly not a weapon. Hand that back!

U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, wait.[mocking voice]”Dear Diary:On Dawson’s Creek Pacey cheated with Christina andthen Andy found out, she was devastated. I felt thesame way when I had my son in law executed.

Saddam Hussein: Hey!, it isn’t funny!

[Tries to take back the diary, trips on his bed,Inspector 2 passes the diary to Inspector 1. Saddamsits on his bed all sad]

U.N. Inspector 1: Hey, fellas! Listen! “Dear Diary:The U.N. Weapons Inspectors returned to Baghdad today.It’s been two weeks since they’ve been here. I missthem.[sentimental music]We argue a lot but I know theycare about me. I can’t wait to see them because theyare my only true friends. I love them. Saddam, wedidn’t know you felt this way.

[they gather around Saddam]

Saddam Hussein:[crying]It’s hard for me to express myemotions and uuhh…John Gray talks about it in hisbook aah…you don’t want to hear it….

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, come on Saddam, I think I speakfor all the guys when I say we feel the same way.

[The 3 Inspectors give Saddam a group hug]

Saddam Hussein:[chokes, sobs]You guys are the best.

U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, man. Give it up. Give it up.

Saddam Hussein: You guys are the best[cries]That feltvery good. It hasn’t happened in a long time. Hey, youwant to know where I hide the Anthrax?

U.N. Inspectors: Yeah!!

Saddam Hussein: You guys are not gonna believe it. Youguys were so close. I was sure you were going to find it.

U.N. Inspector 1: Really? I was so close?

[Happy music plays, Saddam and the Inspectors leavethe room happy as clams] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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