Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 8
The Joys of Marriage
[ open on exterior, Westlake Bewing Company ] [ dissolve to interior, three buddies sitting at the bar ]
Chris: Thanks for coming out with me, man. I can’t believe this! Five days from now, I’m gonna be married! I’m freaking out, I don’t think I can go through with it!
Vince: Ah, it’s perfectly normal to feel a little nervous, Chris. I did when I got married.
Will: Same here.
Chris: Listen.. can I ask you guys some marriage questions?
Will: Yeah, we’ll give it to you straight.
Chris: Okay.. because Katie and I are fighting about stupid things all the time, and.. I don’t know.. did you guys fight a lot, before you guys were married?
Will: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Chris – once you get married, the fighting.. stops!
Chris: It stops completely?
Will: Mmm-hmm. You never fight about petty things again. No more screaming about filling up the ice cube trays..
Vince: No more reamings for forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll. You know.
Chris: I don’t get it – why the sudden change? Is it possible?
Vince: I don’t know, it’s just magic.
Will: Yeah, it’s like a fairy tale, Chris. Marriage is just this incredibly, wonderful state of mind. Maybe it’s the idea that you’re gonna be with the same woman until the day you die.. that just frees you up!
Chris: This is just impossible! What, what else happens?
Vince: You lose weight.
Chris: You guys are fatter that me.
Vince: Hey, that’s muscle, jerk!
Will: I mean, when you’re married, you always want to look your best!
Chris: What about sex?
Vince: Oh, my God, it’s constant.
Will: And totally spontaneous – totally. No more date nights.. just pure, adventuroud expermentation until you.. fall asleep in a.. in a spoon position.
Vince: The sex is so great, that you actually quit watching television – you throw the tube right out of the room.
Will: Yeah. It’s all truth. And.. you completely stop masturbating. There’s no reason to any more, you’re so in love.
Vince: Yeah, and her breath gets better, too. You don’t have to breathe through your mouth to kiss her any more.
Will: Get ready for long make-out sessions, partner!
Chris: Wow! That would be awesome, man! ‘Cause right now Katie’s not into kissing too much.
Will: Hey, watch things change! I’ll tell you what’s really great about marriage – you never ever think about old girlfriends again.
Vince: Yeah, you don’t feel that urge to call them on the phone just to hear their voice on the outgoing message any more.
Chris: You still look at other women, though, don’t you?
Will: Why?? You have everything you need waking up next to you, day in and day out! My wife’s panties just keep getting bigger and better!
Vince: The other thing is, too, until I got married, I had absolutely no idea how much fun it was to talk about money.
Chris: Money? I mean, Katie and I almost got into a fistfight over joint checking.
Will: You know what they say, Chris: “Marriage eradicates defensiveness.”
Vince: And criticism. I mean, once you’re married, you don’t feel that urge to criticize your wife’s lack of education in front of a group of male friends.
Will: It’s true! The beauty of marriage is that you’re free from thoughts like, “God, I just want to run away.” Or, “I want to empty my bank account and just run off, to a small college town, under an assumed name, and live with a young girl in a cotton sundress.”
Vince: And here’s the best thing of all – after you’re married, you will not believe how close you grow to your wife’s family.
Will: Yeah. It’s almost scary how much you look forward to the time you spend with them. I mean, I can’t wait for the holidays! [ loudly ] Hey, I love my wife’s mother!
Chris: I hope that happens, because Katie’s mom is being such a jerk about the wedding!
Vince: Ah, forget about it! For some reason, on your wedding day, all your mother-in-law’s horrible traits will just.. [ snaps finger ] ..vanish!
Will: Yeah. The whole day is stress-free. There won’t be any weather problems.. the band shows up on time.. and the photographer doesn’t forget to get a shot of you and your grandfather, who dies a week later.
Vince: And you still have the energy to make sweet, beautiful love to your new wife at the end of the evening, six or eight times!
Will: It’s not like you have an all-out brawl about the next day’s travel plans, and you.. fall asleep on the floor in the corner, alone, holding a champagne bottle and wondering if you married a control freak!
Vince: Marriage is a wonderful dream, Chris. It’s a wonderful, wonderful dream.
Chris: You guys make it sound really cool, man. I’m psyched! I gotta go to the bathroom, though.[ Chris exits scene, leaving Will and Vince alone to think about what they’ve done ]
Vince: Should we tell him the truth?
Will: Nobody told me – screw him.[ fade ]