Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 24: Episode 6
Weekend update with Colin Quinn
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Ah folks, stop. All right, folks! Thanks folks! I appreciate that, but…
Let’s talk about our friends, the Republicans, all right? The Republicans are having a breakdown right now, they’ve gone mad with the impeachment thing. They can’t let it go, it’s like an obsession; they’re stalking the President. You have fighters in Islamic jihads watching this, going, “Boy, these guys hold a grudge!” I mean, let it go, fellas, you know? The Republicans can’t believe that we’re not buying this. Clinton lied to the country, and we just don’t care! It’s like when they tried to sell professional soccer to Americans; no matter how right it seemed, we were just like, “Nope. Sorry. Just don’t like soccer.” You know?
Then this week, the Republicans brought out other people who lied under oath about having sex and went to jail for it, if you saw that. A female psychiatrist who performed oral sex on her male patients….Hey, if that doesn’t cure depression, nothing will. You know. It’s like alternative medicine, folks. Come on! The other witness was a female college basketball coach who slept with a girl from her team. Come on, if these two can’t get a presidential pardon from Bill Clinton…[no reaction] you know…whatever. That was…really nothing to say after that. One of these women…one of these women was found by Geraldo. You know the country’s in good shape when Geraldo Rivera is one of our government operatives.
They’re bringing out all these people who cheated, and Henry Hyde is in charge of all this, and he cheated more than anybody! They should have brought out Henry Hyde! He could’ve worked both sides of the hearing. “Did you cheat, Mr. Hyde? Yes I did, Mr. Hyde.” Then, they don’t know if they can get Clinton on impeachment or censure, so now they’ve invented something new: censure plus. That’s the best idea. They really did have that! That’s the best idea our elected officials can come up with: the same thing they used for the Dentyne campaign. All right? Censure with an extra drop of Retsyn. Let’s go do the news![dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn![dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Folks, really! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn.
Exxon announced this week…that it will buy Mobil for 76 billion dollars. It’s the biggest gas-and-oil merger since the Three Tenors.
When asked for a comment on the 76-billion-dollar merger, Bill Gates called the deal “cute.”
At the Democratic Leadership Council this week, Al Gore tested out a possible campaign slogan for his year 2000 run at the White House: “practical idealism.” Campaign officials feel it’s better than the old slogan, “Need…oil…can.”…His slogan is “practical idealism.” Boy, that gets you fired up, doesn’t it? It makes me want to run out and buy insurance or start saving rubber bands in a drawer.
Yesterday, former U.S. senator and New York Knick Bill Bradley took steps towards entering the presidential race for the year 2000. He already unveiled his slogan: “Don’t worry, I got all the strings I needed when I was on the road with Pearl and Clyde in ’72.”
In Jordan this week, Saddam Hussein’s half-brother, Brazin al-Tikriti, insisted that he was not at odds with the Iraqi president, and he has not joined the opposition….It’s gonna be a hell of a Ramadan at that house, huh? [imitating Brazin al-Tikriti] “What about al-Tikriti? It’s always Saddam, Saddam, Saddam!”
In the new Will Smith movie, Enemy of the State, Smith plays a lawyer who is spied on and pursued by the government. Time called the movie invasion-of-privacy themes “frightening”; Newsweek called the story “eerily realistic”; Linda Tripp called it “the feel-good movie of the year.” [some cheers and applause]…She’s all right!
In January, the Pope will meet privately with President Clinton at an Air National Guard hiring in St. Louis, or as the Pope is referring to it, “the world’s biggest confessional.”
This week, the Communist Party in Cuba voted to reinstate Christmas as a holiday for the first time in 30 years. Havana retailers predict the hot toys this season will be Tickle Me Castro and the Fideletubbies. [some applause]…Ain’t that adorable! All right.
In New York this week, Chopper 4, the local NBC news helicopter, crashed into the Passaic River, and the story was covered by the local ABC affiliate. The UPN rowboat also got several Polaroids of the incident. [applause]…Oh….Come on, they’re tryin’! They’re just startin’ out, folks.
In Brooklyn, a white teacher received death threats from parents after reading a book called Nappy Hair to her black students. Black leader Herbert Daughtry has entered the debate, defending the angry parents. Al Sharpton has not yet weighed in on this issue, but he has never been in favor of nappy hair. [some cheers and applause]
Sinead O’Connor and U2 have combined their talents to raise money for a charity album benefitting the victims of Northern Ireland’s worst bombing. Which would be the last albums of Sinead O’Connor and U2….Come on, folks. We’re all Irish. Lay off. Now look…
Rapper Coolio was found guilty in a German court this week of charges stemming from a confrontation with a boutique owner, who said Coolio punched her when she tried to stop him from taking merchandise without paying. Coolio’s defense was that he wasn’t stealing–he was sampling. [some groans]
A new release on smoking…ooh! See how upset I got, now? Look– A new study on smoking released this week shows that people who quit gain an average of 18 pounds. Tobacco executives are already lobbying for a new warning label on packs of cigarettes: “Warning: Quitting smoking may cause swelling of the ass and loneliness.” [applause]
A man known as “The Concrete King,” who has connections with the Genovese crime family, disappeared in New York this week after being charged with embezzling two million dollars. Police are on the lookout for a man wearing a building.
Telephone companies are looking to take advantage of the growing Hispanic market. Hispanic households spend 27 percent more time on the phone, and also get in 500 percent more words a call that everybody else….Good, clean fun, folks. Come on.
One of the most popular toys this Christmas season is the Harley-Davidson Barbie doll. The doll comes with bruises and detachable teeth.
And every Christmas there’s that one hot new toy that everybody has to have and play f– with it for a while, then they get tired of it. This year, of course: Carmen Electra. [mixed reaction]…Geez, you work at MTV? I’m the one that should be… [mutters something]
A New York tradition continued this week with the sixty-sith annual– [laughing at his slip-up] sixty-sith…66th…my head is…annual lighting ceremony of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Reporting live now from downstairs in Rockefeller Center is Lilith [cut to aerial view of Rockefeller Center] Fair stand-up comedian and “Weekend Update” [dissolve to closer view under the tree] correspondent, Cinder Calhoun.[pan down to Cinder, who has chained herself to the tree]
Cinder: Hey Colin, it’s great to be here!
Colin: Cinder, what’s going on down there? I thought you were gonna do, like, an Al Roker thing and talk to the crowd.
Cinder: Colin, I would’ve loved to regale you with some spontaneous holi – holiday zingers, but frankly, I thought it was more important that I chain myself to this tree in protest of Christmas. [some cheers]
Colin: Now, what’s wrong with Christmas? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Cinder: Colin, Christmas is a Eurocentric, patriarchal celebration of materialism and waste, symbolized best by “Santa Claus,” the fascist white male who invades the fallopian tube of our chimney and emerges into our living rooms uninvited in his red suit like some kind of Mary afterbirth!
Colin: Well, you seem pretty worked up about this.
Cinder: Actually, Colin, I’m a pretty tolerant person. But the one thing I can’t tolerate is the cold-blooded killing of innocent trees in the name of holiday “fun”! So, I’ve written a song about it, [is handed a guitar] and…if I can get through it without crying, I think you’ll learn something. It’s called “Christmas Chainsaw Massacre.”[song begins; jolly holiday music plays with Cinder playing her guitar shortly after]
“For unto us a tree was born
She cried and no one heard her
The only gifts the Wise Men brought were
Frankincense and murder
You jumped this spruce in a tinsel noose
To celebrate the Yuletide
But the tree you trim is a victim of
O Tannenbaum, your life is gone
You swear that you’ve been good all year
On Santa’s lap at Macy’s
But with all the trees you’ve butchered
You’re just jolly John Wayne Gacy
So place those gifts beneath the tree
You stalked out in the darkness
Smell the pine-fresh Santa beds as you
Decorate the carcass
Drink your eggnog, wield your ax
You herbicidal maniac
Grab a spruce, raise a fir
It’s a Christmas chainsaw massacre!
It’s a massacre!
It’s a massacre!
It’s a massacre!
It’s a Christmas chainsaw massacre!” [end of song; cheers and applause as she holds the last word]
Colin: Cinder Calhoun, everybody! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it![fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson